FACES IN THE FIRE. COSILY sitting down, Wrapt in my dressinggown, Memory traces Scenes once how dear to me, And in the fire I see Such darling faces. Mary with raven hair, Whisperings on the stair, Hidden by dancers, Mottoes and words of love, Could she unfaithful prove? These are our Lancers. Carry, who played alone, Snatches of Mendelssohn In the sweet gloaming; Towards a dark-cushioned nook Merely to find a book Somebody roaming. Mabel, with hair untied, Walks by the river-side, Lessons in rowing; Talk about future lots, Tiny forget-me-nots Somebody throwing. Called the next one Bob Travers Brewster, in compliment to the African pugilist and the gifted inventor of the stereoscope. A lovely ascent; but Roderick, who had recently taken the pledge, was so awfully desponding that I actually persuaded him to break it. He did not need much persuasion. Maddened by the liquor, he laughed at distance. "Ha, ha! we fly, we skim!" Descended near Sheffield, where we found a set of roughs, merrily enjoying the seasonable sport of KNURR and SPELL. Never will I reveal its awful mysteries; that must be left for the pen of a Nicholas himself. Enough to say that the hideous spectacle redoubled my scientific ardour, and that the dew point was 1.28 (as determined by Mr. Glaisher). Of course the balloon was torn to pieces. DIRECTIONS TO THEATRICAL MANAGERS. JAN.-Now advertise morning performances of pantomimes, and proclaim in letters twenty feet long that your pantomime is the best in Europe, Asia, Africa, America, or Berwick-upon-Tweed. Quarrel with the actors who only play in the first pieces, and tell them that they are of no use to you, as the pantomime is the only attraction. If they resent the remark, tell them they can leave the theatre if they choose; by these means you may save salaries. Snub your tragedian if you think he will bear it; if he won't, snub somebody else. Plant thorns in the bosom of your stage manager, he may throw up his engagement, and he is of no service-after the pantomime is produced. FEB.-Thin your ballet if you think the audience will not notice. See that your money-takers put no more money in the money-boxes than is taken at the doors. Prepare a grand new sensation drama. Hire an author: if with an idea the better; if without an idea, send him to Paris, and let him stop there. Before the piece is written advertise at the bottom of your playbills that it is in rehearsal, "The New, Grand, Romantic, Realistic, Modern Drama of The Sewers! With Real Gas-pipes, Real Navigators, Real Rats, and Real Sewerage." MARCH.-Train big posters for the walls, and prune your author's fees. Cut off popular actors at other theatres by offer of a larger salary. Attend to planting clacqueurs in boxes, pit, and gallery. Force your newspaper criticisms with sherry, champagne, cold fowl, and jelly. APRIL.-If your piece fail, go to the Jews. They will lend you money at 60 per cent., and will amuse their minds by writing orders for your theatre until you pay them. Cut off necessary expenses at the theatre, and take a larger villa. Give parties to the money-lenders. Find a foolish friend with money, one fond of acting to be preferred, and point out to him how sure your speculation is of succeeding if you can only obtain the required amount of capital. MAY.-Get up a testimonial to yourself, and make your actors pay for it. A silver service, with an inscription about your "gentlemanly conduct, public spirit, private worth, urbanity, courtesy, charity, benevolence, beauty, magnanimity, magnificence, munificence, &c., &c." Don't pay your rent! JUNE.-Shut up your theatre. JULY.-Keep your theatre shut! AUG.-Go to Paris. SEPT.-Stay in Paris. OCT.-Go through the Bankruptcy Court, an easy process, and be complimented by the court. Stick to the money-lenders, for they will stick to you. Reopen your theatre if the proprietor will let you. Bring out a Meteorological Drama, with a shower of Frogs in it if possible, if not engage an Aerolite. Inaugurate the scientific drama. Produce a Farce with a balloon in it, and a Comedy on the Adulteration of Food. Nov.-Produce a Drama and fill your theatre with orders. Advertise "Crowded Houses!" Prepare your Pantomime. Engage eight Clowns, sixteen Pantaloons, thirty-two Harlequins, and sixty-four Columbines-all thick. Put out a new Transparency over the Pit-door, and discharge your Money-takers; revive Oronooko with real slaves, recently escaped. Appeal to the Philanthropist and the Abolitionist, and compel all the male members of your Company to wear white cravats. Establish a day-school for your supernumeraries. DEC.-Get credit for Dutch metal, foil, and timber, and trust in the British public. Encourage your carpenters and snub your actors. Be obsequious to your scene-painters, and deferential to your clown. Produce your Pantomime. Make a fortune. Prepare your books for going through the court in the following year, it keeps your name before the Public. A LITTLE CHILD'S TWILIGHT. THE sun goes down in the deep, deep west, As a ball drops into a cup; And the moon leaps suddenly up from rest As a Jack-in-the-box leaps up. Now falls the shadow and comes the dark, And the face of the world is hid, Like the men and the beasts in a Noah's ark Slowly and softly the silence creeps Ah! would that never the stars might shine To lessen these childish joys of mine, NOTICE.-On the 18th of December, price Twopence, being an extra Number, with numerous Illustrations, THE CHRISTMAS NUMBER OF FUN. The list of Contributors will be published shortly. |