« PreviousContinue »
Master Owen (in an injured tone):—" Oh, Auntie, Do Speak To Teddy, And Make Him Behave Himself: -when I Just Hit Him On
THE HEAD -WITH THE MALLET, HE WW BURST OUT CBYINO!" •
OUR OWN ENTHUSIAST—JANUARY. Combining an ardent passion for scientific research (worthy of the great Galileo) with an enthusiastic partiality for all athletic sports (worthy of Nicholas himself) I had a new balloon constructed, and determined to make an ascent every month. The aeronaut whom I engaged subsequently turned out to be an habitual drunkard and a born fool; but his heart was in the right place, and his name was Roderick. The balloon I christened " Christopher Columbus Fordham," in compliment to the illustrious discoverer of America and the well-known jockey. It was a bright day when we started, and wo had a beautiful view of the clouds. Owing, however, to inebriety and mismanagement on the part of the aeronaut, the balloon fell violently from the sky on to a large pond, where mon were merrily enjoying the "do sport of Skating. The ice, being weak, gave way; I was
nearly drowned, and the balloon was torn to pieces by an infuriated crowd. This redoubled my scientific ardour. The dew point was 0.30 (as determined by Mr. Glaisher). Fei.ruaky.
Had another balloon constructed, which I named " George Parr Fahrenheit," in compliment to the well-known cricketer and the eminent author of the thermometer. My faithful Roderick again accompanied me, and the ascent was delightful. At 2.45 found it rather cold; at 2.46 suddenly discovered that Roderick, although almost helplessly intoxicated, had managed to let the gas escape; at 2.47 we struck the earth with great violence. Recovering, found myself in a play-ground. There boys were merrily enjoying the seasonable sport of Football. Balloon torn to pieces by school-boys. This redoubled my scientific ardour. The dow-point was 32.0 (as determined by Mr. Glaisher).
OUR OWN ENTHUSIAST—
Superintended the construction of another balloon, which I named "Humphrey Davy Ileenan," in compliment to the illustrious astronomer and the celebrated pugilist. The ascent was delightful, but partly through the violence of the wind, and partly through the disgraceful condition of Roderick, we came to the ground with greater violence than ever. On regaining consciousness I found myself on Blaekheath, where some fine young fellows were merrily enjoying the seasonable sport of Hockey. Too bad of them to tear the balloon to pieces. This redoubled my scientific ardour. Dcwpuint, 2.30 (as determined by Mr. Olaisher).
Bought a beautiful new balloon, which I christened " Nimrod Herschel," in compliment to the ancient hunter and Sir John, the scientific baronet. Delightful ascent; the only drawback, in fact, being that Roderick, who was under the influence of liquor, brought Ub down right in the middle of London. The balloon broke th rough the roof of a large building. The moment animation was restored, I found myself in the midst of some nice young officers who were merrily enjoying the seasonable sport of Rackets. Tho balloon was torn to shreds. This redoubled my scientific nrdour. Dewpoint, 0.23 (as determined by Ur. (ilaisher).
OUR OWN ENTHUSIASTMAY.
The new balloon was christened "James Watt Ackers," in compliment to the great philosopher and the author of the "Scale" for yachting. The ascent magnificent; but through the gross incapacity of Roderick (than whom a nicer fellow, when sober, never breathed), we fell to the ground with considerable force in the middle of Epsom downs. Horror of horrors! Roderick, in his helpless state, had forgotten to remind me that
it was but I anticipate. On
recovering my Bcnsos, found 400,000 people merrily enjoying I the seasonable sport of the Derby, The balloon was | trampled under foot. This redoubled my scientific ardour. Dew point not determined, Mr. Glaisher being in the Grand Stand.
MRS. BROWN'S PROVER-
Washes in haste.
Washes to waste.
Is always the best,
For doing the rest.
Is terrible late.
A habit I hate.
Never ketch a falling knife;
A CASE OF CULPABLE CARELESSNESS.
Elderly Female, in bonnet.—"'well, She Were A-oittin' On Beautiful, She Were; When All On A Stjddint Sub Took Wilemt Cold.
No ONE COULDN'T TELL 'OW IT 'AFPBNBO; BUT IT'S MY BELIEF AS THEY GIVE HER HER ORUEL OUT OF A DAMP BASIN."
Left London by an early train. Slept for an hour. "Woke suddenly, and heard a porter crying " PlblmAw f' Had no idea where I was, put my head out, but train had started. Passed through a very fine part of the country, but couldn't see it, as this bit of the line was a cutting—so was the train, very fast. Stopped at another station, porter calling "Btrmstnnfon .'" Discovered that refreshments were procurable, and ordered a bowl of soup. Bell rang for train to start before I got it. Had to pay for it. A gentleman got in at this station who proved (a few miles down the line) to be an escaped lunatic. vainly endeavoured to signal the guard. Had to throw him (the lunatic) out of the window. Another station, according to porter, entitled "Glwrabwrgleiy.'" Saw half my luggage being taken out by mistake. Tried to get out and correct error, but door of carriage was locked, and so couldn't. Got into a tunnel. Train stopped. Found engine had broken down—another train expected in a minute and a half after us and three down the other line of rails in the course of next two minutes. Have
Eat this statement into a brandy flask and throw it out of the window. ,ongitude, five feet four in my socks. Latitude, given to the railway companies by a Directorial House of Commons.
THE DIARY OF A LATE PHYSICIAN.
Having been honoured with a request to write my diary for this valuable periodical, I take up my pen to comply.
Jan. 1.—Mr. A called to consult me at 12. Unfortunately I was not
up. By the time I had risen he was gone. Received an urgent summons to attend on Mr. B , who is dangerously ill.
Jan. 4.—In accordance with the summons I called on Mr. B . The
unfortunate gentleman died the day before yesterday. Called suddenly to Mr. C .
Jan. 7.—Visited Mr. C . Found that, as I did not come, they had
called in another practitioner, which deprived them of my services, as of
course professional etiquette must be attended to. Mrs. C said she was
surprised I had not come before—she evidently doesn't know me. A pressing letter from Mr. D , requesting me to come at once and see him, as
he is alarmed about his health.
Jan. 10.—Called on Mr. D , and found him quite well again. Will
finish the rest of my diary to-morrow.
[Up to the moment of going to press we havo not received the promised M.S.—Ed]
OUR OWN ENTHUSIAST—JUNE.
Christened her "Joe Manton Copernicus," in compliment to the British gunsmith and the Polish astronomer, Never have I enjoyed a finer ascent; but poor Roderick (than whom no honester man ever breathed) so mismanaged the descent that we fell down in the middle of Kcnnington Oval. Here we found eleven of Surrey and eleven of Kent merrily enjoying the seasonable sport of Cricket. As we came down right in the middle of the
Slay, the balloon was torn to pieces by an infuriated Lockyer. This redoubled my scientific ardour. Dew point, 0.999 (as determined by Mr. Glaisher).
To show that I bear no malice, christened the new one Tom Lockyer Playfair, partly in compliment to the Surrey cricketer, partly to the Scottish philosopher, and partly as a reminder to the great wicket keeper that ho had not treated me quite so fairly as he should. Lovely ascent; but poor dear Roderick (who is the very soul of good nature when sober) was so infuriated with drink that although a violent breeze swept us towards the sea, ho refused to allow her to descend until too late. Alas, alas! we fell into the sea, otf Cowes, where we found our fellow-countrymen merrily enjoying the seasonable sport of Yachting. We were picked up by a boat, but the balloon was blown away in the direction of Algiers. This redoubled my scientific ardour. Dew point, 999.0 (as determined by Mr. Glaisher).
Named her Tycho Brahe Sayers, in compliment to the great Danish astronomer and the eminent boxer. Beautiful ascent; Lovely sky scenery; Mr. Roderick (capital ehap, Roderick, when he isn't drunk) brought us down on a private lawn where we found ladies and gentlemen merrily enjoying the seasonable sport of Croquet. As we unfortunately broke a lady's arm, her husband detained the balloon and threatened to bring an action at law. This redoubled my scientific ardour. Dew point 77,389,214 (as determined by Mr. Glaisher).