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DIRECTIONS TO THEATRICAL MANAGERS.
Jan.—Now advertise morning performances of pantomimes, and proclaim in letters twenty feet long that your pantomime is the best in Europe, Asia, Africa, America, or Berwick-upon- tweed. Quarrel with the actors who only play in the first pieces, and tell them that they are of no use to you, as the pantomime is the only attraction. If they resent the remark, tell them they can leave the theatre if they choose; by these means you may save salaries. Snub your tragedian if you think he will bear it; if he won't, snub somebody else. Plant thorns in the bosom of your stage manager, he may throw up his engagement, and he is of no service—after the pantomime is produced.
Feb.—Thin your ballet if you think the audience will not notice. See that your money-takers put no more money in the money-boxes than is taken at the doors. Prepare a grand new sensation drama. Hire an author: if with an idea the better; if without an idea, send him to Paris, and let him stop there. Before tho piece is written advertise at the bottom of your playbills that it is in rehearsal, "Tho New, Grand, Romantic, Realistic, Modern Drama of The Sewers! With Real Gas-pipes, Real Navigators, Real Rates, and Real Sewerage."
Mauch.—Train big posters for tho walls, and prune your author's fees. Cut off popular actors at other theatres by offer of a larger salary. Attend to planting clacqueurs in boxes, pit, and gallery. Force your newspaper criticisms with sherry, champagne, cold fowl, and jelly.
April. —If your piece fail, go to the Jews. They will lend you money at 60 per cent., and will amuse their minds by writing orders for your theatre until you pay them. Cut off necessary expenses at the theatre, and take a larger villa. Give parties to the money-lenders. Find a foolish friend with money, one fond of acting to be preferred, and point out to him how sure your speculation is of succeeding if you can only obtain the required amount of capital.
May.—Get up a testimonial to yourself, and make your actors pay for it. A silver service, with an inscription about your "gentlemanly conduct, public spirit, private worth, urbanity, courtesy, charity, benevolence, beauty, magnanimity, magnificcneo, munificence, &C, &C.' Don't pay your rent!
June.—Shut up your theatre.
July.—Keep your theatre shut!
Aco.—Go to Paris.
Sept. —Stay in Paris.
Oct.—Go through the Bankruptcy Court, an easy process, and be complimented by the court. Stick to the money-lenders, for they will stick to you. Reopen your theatre if tho proprietor will let you. Bring out a Meteorological Drama, with a shower of Frogs in it if possible, if not engage an Aerolite. Inaugurate the scientific drama. Produce a Farce with a balloon in it, and a Comedy on tho Adulteration of Food.
Nov.—Produce a Drama and fill your theatre with orders. Advertise "Crowded Houses!" Prepare your Pantomime. Engage eight Clowns, sixteen Pantaloons, thirty-two Harlequins, and sixty-four Columbines—all thick. Put out a new Transparency over the Pit-door, and discharge your Money-takers; revive Oronooko with real slaves, recently escaped. Appeal to the Philanthropist and the Abolitionist, and compel ail the male members of your Company to wear white cravats. Establish a day-school for your supernumeraries.
Dec.—Get credit for Dutch metal, foil, and timber, and trust in the British public. Encourage your carpenters and snub your actors. Bo obsequious to your scene-painters, and deferential to your clown. Produce your Pantomime. Make it fortune. Prepare your books for | the court in the following year, it keeps your name before the Public
A LITTLE CHILD'S TWILIGHT.
The sun goes down in the deep, deep west,
As a ball drops into a cup;
As a Jack-in-the-box leaps up.
Now falls the shadow and comes the dark,
And the face of the world is hid,
When its owner adjusts the lid.
Slowly and softly tho silence creeps
And leaves mankind like a doll that sleeps
Ah! would that never tho stars might shine
Like Heaven's kaleidoscopes,
To lessen these childish hopes.