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Luc. If thou art chang'd to aught, 'tis to an ass. [ Dro. S. 'Tis true; she rides me, and I long for
'Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never be,
Ant. S. Am I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
Dro. S. Master, shall I be porter at the gate? Adr. Ay; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.
Luc. Come, come, Antipholus, we dine too late.
SCENE I-The same. Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, Dromio of Ephesus, Angelo, and Balthazar.
Ant. E. Good signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
My wife is shrewish, when I keep not hours:
And that to-morrow you will bring it home.
Dro. E. Say what you will, sir, but I know whatj I know:
That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to
If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
Your hand-writing would tell you what I think.
Ant. E. You are sad, signior Balthazar: 'Pray God, our cheer
May answer my good will, and your good welcome
Bal. I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
Ant. E. O, signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.
Bal. Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
Ant. E. And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.
(1) Absolve. (2) A necklace strung with pearls. (3) Dishes of meat. (4) Blockhead. (5) Fool.
But, soft; my door is lock'd; Go bid them let us in. Dro. E. Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Jen'!
Dro. S. [Within.] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!"
Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch:
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st for such store,
When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
Dro. E. What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
Dro. S. Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on's feet.
Ant. E. Who talks within there? ho, open the door.
Dro. S. Right, sir, I'll tell you when, an you'll tell me wherefore.
Ant. E. Wherefore? for my dinner; I have not din'd to-day.
Dro. S. Nor to-day here you must not; come again, when you may.
Ant. E. What art thou, that keep'st me out from the house I owe?
Luce. Have at you with another: that's,-When? can you tell?
Dro. S. If thy name be call'd Luce, Luce, thou hast answer'd him well.
Ant. E. Do you hear, you minion? you'll let us
Ant. E. Thou baggage, let me in.
Luce. What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
Adr. [Within.] Who is that at the door, that keeps all this noise?
Dro. S. By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.
(6) I own, am owner of. (7) Bustle, tumult.
Ant. E. Are you there, wife? you might have Pretty and witty; wild, and, yet too, gentle; come before.
There will we dine: this woman that I mean,
Adr. Your wife, sir knave? go, get you from My wife (but, I protest, without desert,)
Dro. E. If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.
Ang. Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome; we would fain have either.
Bal. In debating which was best, we shall part' with neither.
Dro. E. They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.
Ant. E. There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.
Dro. E. You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
Your cake here is warm within; you stand here in the cold:
It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.2
Ant. E. Go, fetch me something, I'll break ope the gate.
Dro. S. Break any breaking here, and I'll break your knave's pate.
Dro. E. A man may break a word with you, sir: and words are but wind; Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
Dro. S. It seems, thou wantest breaking: Out upon thee, hind!
Dro. E. Here's too much, out upon thee! I pray thee, let me in.
Dro. S. Ay, when fowls have no feathers, and fish have no fin.
Ant. E. Well, I'll break in; Go borrow me a
Dro. E. A crow without a feather; master, mean you so?
For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather:
If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.
Ant. E. Go, get thee gone, fetch me an iron
Bal. Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so;
Once this,-Your long experience of her wisdom,
For ever hous'd, where it once gets possession. Ant. E. You have prevailed; I will depart in quiet,
And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal;
Ant. E. Do so: This jest shall cost me some [Exeunt. SCENE II.-The same. Enter Luciana, and Antipholus of Syracuse.
Luc. And may it be that you have quite forgot
Or, if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth;
Let not my sister read it in your eye;
Be not thy tongue thy own shame's orator; Look sweet, speak fair, become disloyalty; Apparel vice like virtue's harbinger: Bear a fair presence, though your heart be tainted; Teach sin the carriage of a holy saint;
Be secret-false: What need she be acquainted? What simple thief brags of his own attaint? 'Tis double wrong, to truant with your bed,
And let her read it in thy looks at board: Shame hath a bastard fame, well managed; Ill deeds are doubled with an evil word. Alas, poor women! make us but believe,
Being compact of credit, that you love us; Though others have the arm, show us the sleeve; We in your motion turn, and you may move us. Then, gentle brother, get you in again;
Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife : 'Tis holy sport to be a little vain,"
When the sweet breath of flattery conquers strife. Ant. S. Sweet mistress (what your name is else,
I know not,
Nor by what wonder you do hit on mine,) Less, in your knowledge, and your grace, you show
Than our earth's wonder; more than earth divine. Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak; Lay open to my earthly gross conceit, Smother'd in errors, feeble, shallow, weak, The folded meaning of your word's deceit. Against my soul's pure truth why labour you, To make it wander in an unknown field? Are you a god? would you create me new? Transform me then, and to your power I'll yield. But if that I am I, then well I know,
Your weeping sister is no wife of mine, Nor to her bed no homage do I owe;
Far more, far more, to you do I decline. O, train me not, sweet mermaid, with thy note, To drown me in thy sister's flood of tears; Sing, siren, for thyself, and I will dote:
(6) i. e. Being made altogether of credulity. (7)Vain, is light of tongue. (8) Mermaid for siren.
Spread o'er the silver waves thy golden hairs,
Luc. It is a fault that springeth from your eye.
Luc. Gaze where you should, and that will clear your sight.
Ant. S. As good to wink, sweet love, as look on
Late. Why call you me love? call my sister so.
That's my sister.
It is thyself, mine own self's better part;
O, soft, sir, hold you still; I'll fetch my sister, to get her good will.
[Exit Luciana. Enter, from the house of Antipholus of Ephesus, Dromio of Syracuse.
Ant. S. Why, how now, Dromio? where runn'st
thou so fast?
Dro. S. No, sir, 'tis in grain; Noah's flood could not do it.
Ant. S. What's her name?
Dro. S. Nell, sir ;-but her name and three quarters, that is, an ell and three quarters, will not measure her from hip to hip.
Ant. S. Then she bears some breadth?
Dro. S. No longer from head to foot, than from hip to hip: she is spherical, like a globe; I could find out countries in her.
Ant. S. In what part of her body stands Ireland? Dro. S. Marry, sir, in her buttocks; I found it out by the bogs.
Ant. S. Where Scotland?
Dro. S. I found it by the barrenness; hard, in the palm of the hand.
Ant. S. Where France?
Dro. S. In her forehead; arm'd and reverted, making war against her hair.
Ant. S. Where England?
Dro. S. I look'd for the chalky cliffs, but I could find no whiteness in them: but I guess it stood in her chin, by the salt rheum that ran between France and it.
Ant. S. Where Spain?
Dro. S. Faith, I saw it not; but I felt it, hot in her breath.
Ant. S. Where America, the Indies?
Dro. S. O, sir, upon her nose, all o'er embellish'd with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain; who sent whole armadas of carracks3 to be ballast at her nose.
Ant. S. Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands? Dro. S. O, sir, I did not look so low. To conclude, this drudge, or diviner, laid claim to me; call'd me Dromio; swore, I was assur'd' to her; told me what privy marks I had about me, as the mark of my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the Ant. S. Thou art Dromio, thou art my man, from her as a witch: and, I think, if my breast had great wart on my left arm, that I, amazed, ran
Dro. S. Do you know me, sir? am I Dromio? am
I your man? am I myself?
thou art thyself.
Dro. S. I am an ass, I am a woman's man, and besides myself.
Ant. S. What woman's man? and how besides thyself?
Dro. S. Marry, sir, besides myself, I am due to a woman; one that claims me, one that haunts me, one that will have me.
Ant. S. What claim lays she to thee? Dro. S. Marry, sir, such claim as you would lay to your horse; and she would have me as a beast: not that, I being a beast, she would have me; but that she, being a very beastly creature, lays claim
Ant. S. What is she?
Dro. S. A very reverent body; ay, such a one as a man may not speak of, without he say, sir reverence: I have but lean luck in the match, and yet is she a wondrous fat marriage.
Ant. S. How dost thou mean, a fat marriage? Dro. S. Marry, sir, she's the kitchen-wench, and all grease; and I know not what use to put her to, but to make a lamp of her, and run from her by her own light. I warrant, her rags, and the tallow in them, will burn a Poland winter: if she lives till doomsday, she'll burn a week longer than the whole world.
Ant. S. What complexion is she of?
Dro. S. Swart, like my shoe, but her face nothing like so clean kept; For why? she sweats, a man may go over shoes in the grime of it.
Ant. S. That's a fault that water will mend.
not been made of faith, and my heart of steel, she
Ant. S. Go, hie thee presently, post to the road;
Ant. S. There's none but witches do inhabit here;
Ant. S. Made it for me, sir? I bespoke it not. Ang. Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have:
Go home with it, and please your wife withal;
Ant. S. I pray you, sir, receive the money now;
SCENE I.-The same. Enter a Merchant, Angelo, and an Officer.
Mer. You know, since Pentecost the sum is due,
To Persia, and want guilders for my voyage:
Or I'll attach you by this officer.
Ang. Then you will bring the chain to her yourself?
Ant. E. No; bear it with you, lest I come not time enough.
Ang. Well, sir, I will: Have you the chain about you?
Ant. E. An if I have not, sir, I hope you have;
Both wind and tide stays for this gentleman,
Come, where's the chain? I pray you let me see it.
Ang. Even just the sum, that I do owe to you, If not, I'll leave him to the officer.
Is growing2 to me by Antipholus:
I shall receive the money for the same:
Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, and Dromio of
Off. That labour may you save; see where he
Ant. E. While I go to the goldsmith's house, go thou
And buy a rope's end; that will I bestow
I promised your presence, and the chain;
Ant. E. I answer you! What should I answer you?
Ang. The money, that you owe me for the chain. Ant. E. I owe you none, till I receive the chain. Ang. You know, I gave it you half an hour since. Ant. E. You gave me none; you wrong me much
to say so.
Ang. You wrong me more, sir, in denying it: Consider, how it stands upon my credit.
Mer. Well, officer, arrest him at my suit. Off. I do; and charge you in the duke's name, to obey me.
Ang. This touches me in reputation :Either consent to pay this sum for me, Or I attach you by this officer.
Ant. E. Consent to pay thee that I never had! Arrest me, foolish fellow, if thou dar'st.
Ang. Here is thy fee; arrest him, officer; would not spare my brother in this case, If he should scorn me so apparently.
Off. I do arrest you, sir; you hear the suit. Ant. E. I do obey thee, till I give thee bail:But, sirrah, you shall buy this sport as dear As all the metal in your shop will answer.
Ang. Sir, sir, I shall have law in Ephesus, To your notorious shame, I doubt it not.
Enter Dromio of Syracuse.
Dro. S. Master, there is a bark of Epidamnum, That stays but till her owner comes aboard, And then, sir, bears away: our fraughtage, sir, I have convey'd aboard; and I have bought The oil, the balsamum, and aqua-vitæ. The ship is in her trim; the merry wind Blows fair from land: they stay for nought at all, But for their owner, master, and yourself.
Ant. E. How now? a madman! Why thou peevish sheep,
What ship of Epidamnum stays for me? Dro. S. A ship you sent me to, to hire waftage." (4) Freight, cargo. (5) Silly. (6) Carriage.
Ant. E. Thou drunken slave, I sent thee for a One, whose hard heart is button'd up with steel;
And told thee to what purpose and what end.
Dro. S. You sent me, sir, for a rope's end as A back-friend, a shoulder-clapper, one that coun
You sent me to the bay, sir, for a bark.
Ant. E. I will debate this matter at more leisure,
[Exeunt Mer. Ang. Off. and Ant. E.
For servants must their masters' minds fulfil. [Ex.
Adr. Ah, Luciana, did he tempt thee so?
Might'st thou perceive austerely in his eye
Look'd he or red, or pale; or sad, or merrily?
Luc. First, he denied you had in him no right.
Luc. Then swore he, that he was a stranger here.
First he did praise my beauty; then, my speech.
Have patience, I beseech.
Luc. Who would be jealous then of such a one?
Adr. Ah! but I think him better than I say,
Enter Dromio of Syracuse.
The passages of alleys, creeks, and narrow lands; A hound that runs counter, and yet draws dry-foot well;
One that, before the judgment, carries poor souls to hell.
Adr. Why, man, what is the matter?
Dro. S. I do not know the matter: he is 'rested on the case.
Adr. What, is he arrested? tell me, at whose suit. Dro. S. I know not at whose suit he is arrested, well;
But he's in a suit of buff, which 'rested him, that can I tell :
Will you send him, mistress, redemption, the mo-
Adr. Go fetch it, sister.-This I wonder at,
Dro. S. No, no, the bell: 'tis time, that I were
Adr. Go, Dromio; there's the money, bear it straight;
And bring thy master home immediately.Come, sister; I am press'd down with conceit; Conceit, my comfort, and my injury. [Exeunt. SCENE III.-The same. Enter Antipholus of Syracuse.
Ant. S. There's not a man I meet, but doth
As if I were their well-acquainted friend;
Dro. S. Here, go; the desk, the purse; sweet And, therewithal, took measure of my body.
Luc. How hast thou lost thy breath?
(1) An allusion to the redness of the northern
(3) Marked by nature with deformity.
Sure, these are but imaginary wiles,
Enter Dromio of Syracuse.
Dro. S. Master, here's the gold you sent me for: What, have you got the picture of old Adam new apparell'd?
(5) The officers in those days were clad in buff, which is also a cant expression for a man's skin. (6) Hell was the cant term for prison. (7) i. e. Bond. (8) Fanciful conception.