During the interval between the first and second course, it is easy to perceive that there has been some little plan concerted for my surprise or mortification. Every nose in company has a forefinger applied to it to enforce secrecy; and every eye is fixed on my countenance, to enjoy the transports which I am expected to discover at the entrance of a plum-pudding of immoderate size; half of which is immediately transferred to my plate, accompanied with sundry wise cautions, to lose no time and not be too modest. While in my own defence, I am endeavouring to make away with some little portion of it, the 'squire declare she thought he should surprise me; and on my disclaiming any such surprise, an appeal is made to the rest of the company, by whom it is unanimously resolved, that, when the pudding made its appearance, I betrayed the strongest symptoms of rapturous admiration.

Finding it in vain to contend, I now resign myself to my fate;-nor long the time, before the old gentleman's countenance begins to undergo various revolutions, which seem to prognosticate some stroke of uncommon pleasantry:—and at the appearance of a dish of pippins, I prepare myself with Christian patience for the good story, which I am assured I never heard before,-namely, " a full and true account of his being caught in Farmer Dobson's orchard, stealing, as it might be, just such apples as these, when he was just about my age."-It is now, Mr. Griffin, just fourteen years since I first heard this story; and every one of the fourteen times of telling it, he has, with wonderful facility, adapted it to my comprehension, by contriving to be "just about my age" when the adventure happened. The tale being told, it is customary for one of his nieces to ask me in a whisper," if I don't think him monstrous funny?" on my assenting to it, I am informed, that "he has some. such comical stories I can't think," and that "she

will get him to tell me how old Dixon tricked the Londoner." Nor is it without an infinite number of protestations, that I am able to make her sensible of my perfect acquaintance with all the circumstances of that notable history, and to dissuade her from a courtesy so superfluous.

After some short respite, I perceive the old gentleman begins to grow waggish again, and am soon desired to stand up and measure heights with the young ladies.-As I am some years older than they, I have been regularly found some inches taller every time of measurement; and this circumstance has as regularly produced one wink of the 'squire's right eye, and two several repetitions of the old proverb, that " Ill weeds grow apace."

Next follows my examination by the parson, touching the proficiency which I have made; prefaced indeed by the 'squire's declaring himself willing to wager any thing on my knowing all about it as well as the best of them; during the ceremony he usually falls asleep, and on waking takes the opportunity to have a fling at the parson, by asking significantly" whether I am too hard for him?”

"But in short, Mr. Griffin, I lament my inability to give you a perfect idea of this character, which however I am persuaded is not very uncommon. There are, no doubt, many, who in the same manner, aim at the reputation of Wits without any advantages either of natural abilities, or acquired understanding. On such as these I could wish you to bestow some advice, for the correction of their ignorant pretensions, and the amendment of their erroneous opinions. These are the people most apt to indulge their satirical humour at the expense of your fellowcitizens, whose honour and credit it is your duty to defend against every calumniatory imputation. Tell then these good people, how widely mistaken they

are in supposing, that the mind of youth, like the vegetation of the walnut-tree, is quickened by blows. in its advances to maturity. Tell them, that the waters of Helicon do not flow with brine; nor are the laurel and the birch so intimately interwoven in the chaplets of the muses, as they are willing to believe. Tell them also, that an increase of knowledge does not necessarily bring with it a proportionable increase of appetite; and that the being able to read a Roman author with facility, does not justify the supposition of an immoderate desire for toast and butter, and an insatiable craving for plum-pudding. Remind them, that these, and all similar jokes which they are pleased to make use of on these occasions, have been made the same use of at least fifty times before. Advise them to reflect how often they themselves, on the same subjects, at stated opportunities, have reiterated those regular bon-mots and trite conceits; how often given vent to the same strain of annual waggery, to the same sallies of periodical facetiousness. And let them know, that as they have but little to boast of on the score of novelty, they have as little on that of humour. If on the repetition of their witticisms, a grin takes possession of the countenance of their auditors, warn them that they mistake not the sneer of ridicule for the smile of approbation, and hint to them, that though, by the respect and diffidence of those at whose expense it pleases them to be merry, they may be secured from being rendered openly ridiculous; they may still be liable and likely to become secretly contemptible. I am, Sir, yours, &c. &c.'

The grievance of which my correspondent complains, is well worthy of being attended to, nor had it indeed escaped my notice; but he has placed his subject in so proper a light, that to dilate on it farther would be totally superfluous.-I shall therefore

only venture to throw together some observations of a more general kind.

It is with men of their wit, as with women of their beauty:-Tell a woman she is fair, and she will not be offended that you tell her she is cruel. Tell a man that he is a wit, and if you lay to his charge ill-nature or blasphemy, he will take it as a compliment rather than a reproach. Thus too, there is no woman but lays some claim to beauty; and no man that will give up his pretensions to wit. In cases of this kind therefore, where so much depends upon opinion, and where every man thinks himself qualified to be his own judge, there is nothing to a reader so useless as illustration; and nothing to an author so dangerous as definition. Any attempt therefore to decide what true wIT is, must be ineffectual; as not one in a hundred would be content to abide by the decision: it is impossible to rank all mankind under the name of wits, and there is scarce one in a hundred who does not think that he merits the appellation.

Hence it is that every one, how little qualified soever, is fond of making a display of his fancied abilities; and generally at the expense of some one to whom he supposes himself infinitely superior. And from this supposition many mistakes arise to those who commence wags, with a very small share of wit, and a still smaller of judgment; whose imaginations are by nature unprolific, and whose minds are uncultivated by education. These persons, while they are ringing their rounds on a few dull jests, are apt to mistake the rude and noisy merriment of illiterate jocularity, for genuine humour. They often unhappily conceive, that those laugh with them, who laugh at them. The sarcasms which every one disdains to answer, they vainly flatter themselves are unanswerable; forgetting, no doubt, that their good things are unworthy the notice of a

retort, and below the condescension of criticism. They know not perhaps that the Ass, whom the fable represents assuming the playfulness of the lap-dog, is a perfect picture of jocular stupidity; and that in like manner, that awkward absurdity of waggishness, which they expect should delight, cannot but disgust; and instead of laying claim to admiration, must ensure contempt.

But, alas! I am aware that mine will prove a successless undertaking; and that though knight-errand like I sally forth to engage with the monsters of witticism and waggery, all my prowess will be inadequate to the achievement of the enterprise. The world will continue as facetious as ever in spite of all I can do; and people will be just as fond of their little jokes and old stories,' as if I had never combatted their inclination.

Since then I cannot utterly extirpate this unchristian practice, my next endeavour must be, to direct it properly, and improve it by some wholesome regulations. And herein shall I imitate his most Christian Majesty, who by licensing a limited number of brothel-houses restricted an evil which he never could entirely have suppressed; prevented many of the ill consequences which naturally arise from promiscuous libertinism; and drew moreover from the profits no very inconsiderable revenue; thus, from the folly of individuals deriving advantage to the community. Equally advantageous to the public, and equally profitable to myself, will be the plan which I have laid down; and which I have already bestowed some pains to bring to perfection. I propose, if I meet with proper encouragement, making application to parliament for permission to open Licensed Warehouse for Wit,' and for a patent, entitling me to the sole vending and uttering wares of this kind, for a certain term of years. For this purpose, I have already laid in Jokes, Jests, Witticisms,

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