Lady T. I vow, Sir Peter, when I say an ill-natured thing, I mean no harm by it, for I take it for granted they'd do the same by me. Sir P. They've made you as bad as any of them, Lady T. Yes, I think I bear my part with a tolerable grace. Lady T. Well but, Sir Peter, you know you promised to come. Sir P. Well, I shall just call in to look after my own character. Lady T. Then, upon my word, you must make haste after me, or you'll be too late. Sir P. I have got much by my intended expostulation. What a charming air she has !-and how pleasingly she shows her contempt of my authority! Well, though I can't make her love me, 'tis some pleasure to tease her a little; and I think she never appears to such advantage, as when she is doing everything to vex and plague me. SHERIDAN. PATENT AND DOWLAS. Patent. Walk in, sir; your servant, sir-have you any particular business with me? Dowlas. Yes, sir, my friends have lately discovered that I have a genius for the stage. Patent. Oh, you'd be a player, sir; did you ever play? Dowlas. No, sir, but I flatter myself Patent. I hope not, sir; flattering one's-self is the very worst kind of hypocrisy. Dowlas. You'll excuse me, sir. Patent. Ay, sir, if you'll excuse me for not flattering you—I always speak my mind. Dowlas. I dare say you will like my manner, sir. Patent. No manner of doubt, sir-I dare say I shall. Pray, sir, with which of the ladies are you in love? Dowlas. In love, sir!-ladies! [Looking round.] Patent. Ay, Miss Comedy, or Dame Tragedy? Patent. Very well, sir; and where is your forte ? Patent. I say, sir, what is your department? Dowlas. Department? Do you mean my lodgings, sir? Patent. Your lodgings, sir? no, not I; ha, ha, ha! I should be glad to know what department you would wish to possess in the tragic walk-the sighing lover, the furious hero, or the sly assassin? Dowlas. Sir, I should like to play King Richard the Third. Patent. An excellent character indeed and I dare say you will play it well, sir. a very good character; Dowlas. I hope you'll have no reason to complain, sir. Patent. I hope not. Well, sir, have you got any favourite passage ready? Dowlas. I have it all by heart, sir. Patent. You have, sir, have you? I shall be glad to hear you. Dowlas. Hem - hem-hem. [Clearing his throat.] What, will the asspiring blood of Lancaster Sink in the ground-I thought it would have mounted. See how my sword weeps for the poor king's death; Oh! may such purple tears be always shed On those who wish the downfal of our house; If there be any spark of life yet remaining I that have neither pity, love, nor fear. Patent. Hold, sir, hold—in pity hold, za, za, za, sir―sir, why, sir, 'tis not like humanity. You won't find me so great a barbarian as Richard: you say he had neither pity, love, nor fear; now, sir, you will find that I am possessed of all these feelings for you at present I pity your conceit, I love to speak my mind; and-I fear you'll never make a player. Dowlas. Do you think so, sir? Patent. Do I think so, sir! Yes, I know so, sir! Now, sir, only look at yourself- your two legs kissing as if they had fallen in love with one another—and your arms dingle dangle, like the fins of a dying turtle [mimicks him] 'pon my soul, sir, 'twill never do. Pray, sir, are you of any profession? Dowlas. Yes, sir, a linen draper. Patent. A linen draper! an excellent business: a very good business - you'll get more by that than by playing, you had better mind your thrums and your shop, and don't pester me any more with your Richard and your—za, za, za, this is a genius! plague upon such geniuses I say. ANON. COLONEL DAVID CROCKETT'S FIRST DINNER WITH MR. ADAMS, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. THE first thing as I did, said David, when I got to Washington, was to go to the President's house, thinks I, who's afeard? So says I, how do you do, Mr. Adams? So says he, how do you do, Mr. Crockett? I am glad to see you, and he shook me by the hand, although he know'd I went the whole hog for Jackson at the late election, if he didn't, I wish I may be shot! Not only this, but he sent me a printed ticket to dine with him, I've got it in my pocket yet, if I haven't, I wish I may be shot; Well, I went to dinner, and walked round and round the long table, looking for something as I liked — at last I sot myself down just aside a fat goose, and helped myself to as much as I wanted; but I hadn't ta'en above three bites, when I looked away up the table at a feller they called Tash! (Attachè.) He was talking French to a woman on t'other side of the table. He dodged his head, and she dodged hern, and at last they got to drinking wine across the table, if they didn't, I wish I may be shot! But when I look'd back, my plate was gone, goose and all, so I jist kest my eyes kinder slantendicular up t'other side of the table, and sure enough I seed a white man walking off with my plate. So says I, hello, mister, bring back that air plate. He brought it back purty slick, as you may suppose, but when he set it down before me, how do you think't was? as my hand, if it wasn't, I wish I may be shot! Licked as clean Says he, what will you have, sir? Says I, you may well say that, after stealing my goose. He began to laugh. Says I, laugh an you please, but I tell you I don't half like such tricks upon strongers, if I do, I wish I may be shot! I then filled my plate with bacon and greens, and whenever I looked up or down the table, I held my plate fast with my left hand, if I didn't, I wish I may be shot! When we'd all done eating, and they'd taken away the table-cloth, what do you think there was? Why, there was another table-cloth underneath, if there wasn't, I wish I may be shot! Then I seed a man bringing along a great big glass thing full of little glass cups, with something in 'em that looked mighty good to eat; so says I, hello, mister, bring that air thing here, so he brought it; thinks I, let's taste 'em first. They were tetotaceous good and sweet, so I took twelve on 'em, if I didn't, I wish I may be shot! TOBY TOSSPOT. ALAS! what pity 'tis, that regularity These spendthrifts, who life's pleasures thus run on, Lose half men's regular estate of sun, One of this kidney-Toby Tosspot hight- 'Twasn't direct-'twas serpentine. fins of a dying turtle [mimicks him] 'pon my soul, sir, 'twill never do. Pray, sir, are you of any profession? Dowlas. Yes, sir, a linen draper. Patent. A linen draper! an excellent business: a very good business - you'll get more by that than by playing, you had better mind your thrums and your shop, and don't pester me any more with your Richard and your-za, za, za, this is a genius! plague upon such geniuses I say. ANON. COLONEL DAVID CROCKETT'S FIRST DINNER WITH MR. ADAMS, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. THE first thing as I did, said David, when I got to Washington, was to go to the President's house, thinks I, who's afeard? So says I, how do you do, Mr. Adams? So says he, how do you do, Mr. Crockett? I am glad to see you, and he shook me by the hand, although he know'd I went the whole hog for Jackson at the late election, if he didn't, I wish I may be shot! Not only this, but he sent me a printed ticket to dine with him, I've got it in my pocket yet, if I haven't, I wish I may be shot; Well, I went to dinner, and walked round and round the long table, looking for something as I liked at last I sot myself down just aside a fat goose, and helped myself to as much as I wanted; but I hadn't ta'en above three bites, when I looked away up the table at a feller they called Tash! (Attachè.) He was talking French to a woman on t'other side of the table. He dodged his head, and she dodged hern, and at last they got to drinking wine across the table, if they didn't, I wish I may be shot! But when I look'd back, my plate was gone, goose and all, so I jist kest my eyes kinder slantendicular up t'other side of the table, and sure enough I seed a white man walking off with my plate. So says I, hello, mister, bring back that air plate. He brought it back purty slick, as you may suppose, but when he set it down before me, how do you think't was? Licked as clean as my hand, if it wasn't, I wish I may be shot! Says he, what |