my goose. will you have, sir? Says I, you may well say that, after stealing He began to laugh. Says I, laugh an you please, but I tell you I don't half like such tricks upon strongers, if I do, I wish I may be shot! I then filled my plate with bacon and greens, and whenever I looked up or down the table, I held my plate fast with my left hand, if I didn't, I wish I may be shot! When we'd all done eating, and they'd taken away the table-cloth, what do you think there was? Why, there was another table-cloth underneath, if there wasn't, I wish I may be shot! Then I seed a man bringing along a great big glass thing full of little glass cups, with something in 'em that looked mighty good to eat; so says I, hello, mister, bring that air thing here, so he brought it; thinks I, let's taste 'em first. They were tetotaceous good and sweet, so I took twelve on 'em, if I didn't, I wish I may be shot! TOBY TOSSPOT. ALAS! what pity 'tis, that regularity These spendthrifts, who life's pleasures thus run on, Lose half men's regular estate of sun, One of this kidney-Toby Tosspot hight- He worked with sinuosities along, Like Monsieur Corkscrew, worming through a cork, Not straight, like Corkscrew's proxy, stiff Don Prong, a fork. At length, with near four bottles in his pate, He saw the moon shining on Shove's brass plate, When reading, "Please to ring the bell,” And being civil beyond measure, Toby, the kindest soul in all the town, But the first peal woke Isaac, in a fright, At length, he wisely to himself doth say - "Tush! 'tis some fool has rung and run away;" Shove jump'd into the middle of the floor; Isaac eyed Toby, fearfully askant And saw he was a strapper - stout and tall; -- Then put his question—"Pray, sir, what d'ye want?" Says Toby - "I want nothing, sir, at all.” "Want nothing! sir, you've pull'd my bell, I vow, As if you'd jerk it off the wire." Quoth Toby-gravely making him a bow, "I pull❜d it, sir, at your desire." "At mine!". "Yes, your's; I hope I've done it well: COLMAN. LODGINGS FOR SINGLE GENTLEMEN. WHO has e'er been in London, that overgrown place, Will Waddle, whose temper was studious and lonely, But Will was so fat, he appear'd like a tun ; He enter'd his rooms, and to bed he retreated; He was not, by any means, heavy to sleep. Next night 'twas the same! —and the next! — and the next! He perspired like an ox; he was nervous, and vex’d. His weakly condition was past all expression. In six months his acquaintance began much to doubt him! So he sent for a doctor, and cried, like a ninny, -- "I've lost many pounds—make me well- there's a guinea!' The doctor look'd wise; "A slow fever," he said; Prescribed sudorifics and going to bed. 66 "Sudorifics in bed," exclaim'd Will, are humbugs! I've enough of them there, without paying for drugs! Will kick'd out the doctor :- but when ill indeed, "Look ye, landlord, I think," argued Will with a grin, Quoth the landlord "Till now, I ne'er had a dispute; I've let lodgings ten years-I'm a baker to boot; In airing your sheets, sir, my wife is no sloven; In that excellent bed died three people of fashion! Why so crusty, good sir?" "Who would not be crusty, with half a year's baking ?” "S'death!" cried Will in a taking, Will paid for his rooms. Cried the host, with a sneer, "Will said; "Well, I see you have been going away half a year." COLMAN. THE NEWCASTLE APOTHECARY. A MAN in many a country town we know, Professing openly with death to wrestle : Entering the field against the grimly foe, Arm'd with a mortar and a pestle. Yet some affirm, no enemies they are; But meet just like prize-fighters in a fair, Who first shake hands before they box, Then give each other plaguy knocks, With all the love and kindness of a brother. So (many a suffering patient saith) Though the apothecary fights with death, Still they're sworn friends to one another. A member of the Esculapian line, Or mix a draught, or bleed, or blister; His fame full six miles round the country ran, Benjamin Bolus, though in trade, (Which oftentimes will genius fetter,) Read works of fancy, it is said, And cultivated the belles lettres. |