SCENE I.-An Apartment in the Lady's House. Enter ELDER LOVELESS, YOUNG LOVELESS, SAVIL, and a Page. El. Lo. Brother, is your last hope past, to mollify Morecraft's heart about your mortgage? Yo. Lo. Hopelessly past. I have presented the usurer with a richer draught than ever Cleopatra swallow'd; he hath suck'd in ten thousand pounds worth of my land more than he paid for, at a gulp, without trumpets. El. Lo. I have as hard a task to perform in this house. Yo. Lo. 'Faith, mine was to make an usurer honest, or to lose my land. El. Lo. And mine is to persuade a passionate woman, or to leave the land.-Savil, make the boat stay. I fear I shall begin my unfortunate journey this night, though the darkness of the night, and the roughness of the waters, might easily dissuade an unwilling man. Savil. Sir, your father's old friends hold it the sounder course for your body and estate, to stay at home and marry, and propagate, and govern in your country, than to travel, and die without issue. El. Lo. Savil, you shall gain the opinion of a better servant, in seeking to execute, not alter, my will, howsoever my intents succeed. Yo. Lo. Yonder's Mistress Younglove, brother, the grave rubber of your mistress's toes. Enter YOUNGLOVE or ABIGAIL. El. Lo Mistress YoungloveAbig. Master Loveless, truly we thought your sails had been hoist; my mistress is persuaded you are sea-sick ere this. El. Lo. Loves she her ill-taken-up resolution so dearly? Didst thou move her from me? Abig. By this light that shines, there's no removing her, if she get a stiff opinion by the end. I attempted her to-day, when, they say, a woman can deny nothing. El. Lo. What critical minute was that? Abig. When her smock was over her ears; but she was no more pliant than if it hung above her heels. El. Lo. I pr'ythee deliver my service, and say I desire to see the dear cause of my banishment; and then for France. Abig. I'll do't. Hark hither: is that your brother? El. Lo. Yes have you lost your memory? Abig. As I live, he's a pretty fellow. Yo. Lo. Oh, this is a sweet brache! El. Lo. Why, she knows not you. [Exit. Yo. Lo. No, but she offered me once to know her. To this day she loves youth of eighteen. She heard a tale how Cupid struck her in love with a great lord in the tilt-yard, but he never saw her; yet she, in kindness, would needs wear a willowgarland at his wedding. She loved all the players in the last queen's time once over; she was struck when they acted lovers, and forsook some when they played murderers. She has nine spur-ryals, and the servants say she hoards old gold; and she herself pronounces angerly, that the farmer's eldest son, (or her mistress's husband's clerk that shall be.) that marries her, shall make her a jointure of fourscore pounds a-year. She tells tales of the serving-men El. Lo. Enough: I know her. Brother, I shall entreat you only to salute my mistress, and take leave we'll part at the stairs. Enter LADY and YOUNGLOVE. Lady. Now, sir, this first part of your will is perform'd: What's the rest? El. Lo. First, let me beg your notice for this gentleman, my brother. Lady. I shall take it as a favour done to me. Though the gentleman hath received but an untimely grace from you, yet my charitable disposition would have been ready to have done him freer courtesies as a stranger, than upon those cold commendations. Yo. Lo. Lady, my salutations crave acquaintance and leave at once. Lady. Sir, I hope you are the master of your own occasions. [Exeunt YOUNG LOVELESS and SAVIL. El. Lo. 'Would I were so. Mistress, for me to praise over again that worth, which all the world and you yourself can see Lady. It's a cold room this, servant. El. Lo. Mistress Lady. What think you if I have a chimney for't, out here? El. Lo. Mistress, another in my place, that were not tied to believe all your actions just, would apprehend himself wrong'd: But I, whose virtues are constancy and obedience Lady. Younglove, make a good fire above, to warm me after my servant's exordiums. El. Lo. I have heard and seen your affability to be such, that the servants you give wages to may speak. Lady. "Tis true, 'tis true; but they speak to the purpose. El. Lo. Mistress, your will leads my speeches from the purpose. But as a man Lady. A simile, servant! This room was built for honest meaners, that deliver themselves hastily and plainly, and are gone. Is this a time or place for exordiums, and similes, and metaphors? If you have aught to say, break into it: My answers shall very reasonably meet you. El. Lo. Mistress, I came to see you. Lady. To be gone? El. Lo. Yes. Lady. You need not have despair'd of that, nor have used so many circumstances to win me to give you leave to perform my command. Is there a third? El. Lo. Yes; I had a third, had you been apt to hear it. Lady. I? Never apter Fast, good servant, fast! El. Lo. 'Twas to entreat you to hear reason. Lady. Most willingly: have you brought one can speak it? El. Lo. Lastly, it is to kindle in that barren heart love and forgiveness. Lady. You would stay at home? El. Lo. Yes, lady. Lady. Why, you may, and doubtlessly will, when you have debated that your commander is but your mistress; a woman, a weak one, wildly overborne with passions: But the thing by her commanded is, to see Dover's dreadful cliff, passing in a poor water-house; the dangers of the merciless channel 'twixt that and Calais, five long hours sail, with three poor weeks victuats. El. Lo. You wrong me. Lady. Then to land dumb, unable to enquire for an English host, to remove from city to city, by most chargeable post horse, like one that rode in quest of his mother tongue. El. Lo. You wrong me much. Lady. And all these (almost invincible) labours performed for your mistress, to be in danger to forsake her, and to put on new allegiance to some French lady, who is content to change language with you for laughter; and, after your whole year spent in tennis and broken speech, to stand to the hazard of being laugh'd at, at your return, and have tales made on you by the chamber-maids. El. Lo. You wrong me much. Lady. Louder yet. El. Lo. You know your least word is of force to make me seek out dangers; move me not with toys. But in this banishment, I must take leave to say you are unjust. Was one kiss forced from you in public by me so unpardonable? Why, all the hours of day and night have seen us kiss. Lady. 'Tis true, and so you satisfied the company that heard me chide. El. Lo. Your own eyes were not dearer to you than I. Lady. And so you told 'em. El. Lo. I did; yet no sign of disgrace need to have stained your cheek: You yourself knew your pure and simple heart to be most unspotted, and free from the least baseness. Lady. I did: But if a maid's heart doth but once think that she is suspected, her own face will write her guilty. El. Lo. But where lay this disgrace? The world, that knew us, knew our resolutions well: And could it be hoped that I should give away my freedom, and venture a perpetual bondage with one I never kissed? or could I, in strict wisdom, take too much love upon me, from her that chose me for her husband? Lady. Believe me, if my wedding-smock were on; Were the gloves bought and given, the licence come; Were the rosemary branches dipp'd, and all eyes, Than such a friend. More talk I hold not now. If you dare go El. Lo. I dare, you know. First, let me kiss. Lady. Farewell, sweet servant. Your task perOn a new ground, as a beginning suitor, [form'd I shall be apt to hear you. El. Lo. Farewell, cruel mistress. [Exit Lady. Enter YOUNG LOVELESS and SAVIL. Yo. Lo. Brother, you'll hazard the losing your tide to Gravesend you have a long half-mile by land to Greenwich. El. Lo. I go. But, brother, what yet-unheardof course to live doth your imagination flatter you with? Your ordinary means are devoured. Yo. Lo. Course? Why, horse-coursing, I think. Consume no time in this: I have no estate to be mended by meditation: He that busies himself about my fortunes, may properly be said to busy himself about nothing. El. Lo. Yet some course you must take, which, for my satisfaction, resolve and open. If you will shape none, I must inform you, that that man but persuades himself he means to live, that imagines not the means. Yo. Lo. Why, live upon others, as others have lived upon me. El. Lo. I apprehend not that: You have fed others, and consequently disposed of 'em; and the same measure must you expect from your maintainers, which will be too heavy an alteration for you to hear. Yo. Lo. Why, I'll purse; if that raise me not, I'll bet at bowling-alleys, or man whores: I would fain live by others. But I'll live whilst I am unhanged, and after the thought's taken. El. Lo. I see you are tied to no particular employment then? Yo. Lo Faith, I may choose my course: They say Nature brings forth none but she provides for them I'll try her liberality. Et. Lo. Well, to keep your feet out of base and dangerous paths, I have resolved you shall live as master of my house. It shall be your care, Savil, to see him fed and clothed, not according to his present estate, but to his birth and former fortunes. Yo. Lo. If it be referred to him, if I be not found in carnation Jersey stockings, blue devils' breeches, with the guards down, and my pocket i' th' sleeves, I'll ne'er look you i' th' face again. Sav. A comelier wear, I wus, it is than those dangling slops. El. Lo. To keep you ready to do him all service peaceably, and him to command you reasonably, I leave these further directions in writing, which, at your best leisure, together open and read. Enter ABIGAIL to them, with a Jewel. Abig. Sir, my mistress commends her love to you in this token, and these words: It is a jewel, she says, which, as a favour from her, she would request you to wear till your year's travel be per. formed; which, once expired, she will hastily expect your happy return. El. Lo. Return my service, with such thanks as she may imagine the heart of a suddenly-overjoyed man would willingly utter: And you, I hope, I shall, with slender arguments, persuade to wear this diamond; that when my mistress shall, through my long absence, and the approach of new suitors, offer to forget me, you may call your eye down to your finger, and remember and speak of me. She will hear thee better than those allied by birth to her, as we see many men much swayed by the grooms of their chambers; not that they have a greater part of their love or opinion on them than on others, but for they know their secrets. Abig. O' my credit, I swear I think 'twas made for me. Fear no other suitors. El. Lo. 1 shall not need to teach you how to discredit their beginning. You know how to take exception at their shirts at washing, or to make the maids swear they found plasters in their beds. Abig. I know, I know; and do not you fear the suitors. El. Lo. Farewell; be mindful, and be happy; the night calls me. [Exeunt EL. and Yo. LOVELESS and SAVIL. Abig. The gods of the winds befriend you, sir! A constant and a liberal lover thou art; more such God send us! Wel. A pretty hall this: No servant in't? I would look freshly. Abig. You have deliver'd your errand to me then. There's no danger in a handsome young fellow. I'll shew myself. [Aside. Wel. Lady, may it please you to bestow upon a stranger the ordinary grace of salutation? Are you the lady of this house? Abig. Sir, I am worthily proud to be a servant of hers. Wel. Lady, I should be as proud to be a servant of yours, did not my so late acquaintance make me despair. Abig. Sir, it is not so hard to achieve, but nature may bring it about. Wel. For these comfortable words, I remain your glad debtor. Is your lady at home? Abig. She is no straggler, sir. Wel. May her occasions admit me to speak with her? Abi. If you come in the way of a suitor, no. Wel. I know your affable virtue will be moved to persuade her that a gentleman, benighted and strayed, offers to be bound to her for a night's lodging. Abig. I will commend this message to her; but if you aim at her body, you will be deluded. Other women of the household, of good carriage and government, upon any of which if you can cast your affection, they will perhaps be found as faithful, and not so coy. [Exit ABIGAIL. Wel. What a skinful of lust is this! I thought I had come a-wooing, and I am the courted party. This is right court-fashion: men, women, and all woo; catch that catch may. If this soft-hearted woman have infused any of her tenderness into her lady, there is hope she will be pliant. But who's here? Enter SIR ROGER. Rog. God save you, sir! My lady lets you know, she desires to be acquainted with your name, before she confer with you. Wel. Sir, my name calls me Welford. Rog. Sir, you are a gentleman of a good name.I'll try his wit. [Aside. Wel. I will uphold it as good as any of my ancestors had this two hundred years, sir. Rog. I knew a worshipful and a religious gentleman of your name in the bishopric of Durham : Call you him cousin? Wel. I am only allied to his virtues, sir. Rog. It is modestly said. I should carry the badge of your Christianity with me too. Wel. What's that? a cross? There's a tester. [Gives money. Rog. I mean, the name which your godfathers and godmothers gave you at the font. Wel. 'Tis Harry. But you cannot proceed orderly now in your catechism; for you have told me who gave me that name. Shall I beg your name? not in Thalamổ: Hymen and she are at variance. I shall return with much haste. [Exit ROGER. Wel. And much speed, sir, I hope. Certainly I am arrived amongst a nation of new-found fools, on a land where no navigator has yet planted wit. If I had foreseen it, I would have laded my breeches with bells, knives, copper, and glasses, to trade with women for their virginities; yet, I fear, I should have betray'd myself to needless charge then. Here's the walking nightcap again. SCENE II.-A Room in the House of the ELDER LOVELESS. Enter YOUNG LOVELESS and SAVIL, with a writing. Sav. By your favour, sir, you shall pardon me. Yo. Lo. I shall beat your favour, sir! Cross me no more! I say, they shall come in. Sav. Sir, you forget then who I am? Yo. Lo. Sir, I do not: thou art my brother's steward, his cast-off mill-money, his kitchen arithmetic. Sav. Sir, I hope you will not make so little of me: Yo. Lo. I make thee not so little as thou art; for indeed there goes no more to the making of a steward, but a fair imprimis, and then a reasonable item infus'd into him, and the thing is done Sav. Nay, then, you stir my duty, and I must tell you Yo. Lo. What wouldst thou tell me? how hops go? or hold some rotten discourse of sheep, or when our Lady-day falls? Pr'ythee, fare well, and entertain my friends; be drunk, and burn thy table-books; and, my dear spark of velvet, thou and I Sav. Good sir, remember. Yo. Lo. I do remember thee a foolish fellow; one that did put his trust in almanacks and horsefairs, and rose by honey and pot-butter. Shall they come in yet? Sav. Nay, then I must unfold your brother's pleasure: These be the lessons, sir, he left behind him. Yo. Lo. Pr'ythee, expound the first. Sav. "I leave, to keep my house, three hundred pounds a year, and my brother to dispose of it" Yo. Lo. Mark that, my wicked steward; and I dispose of it! Sav. "Whilst he bears himself like a gentleman, and my credit falls not in him." Mark that, my good young sir, mark that. Yo. Lo. Nay, if it be no more, I shall fulfil it: while my legs will carry me I'll bear myself gentleman-like, but when I am drunk, let them bear me that can. Forward, dear steward. 66 Sav. Next, it is my will that he be furnish'd (as my brother) with attendance, apparel, and the obedience of my people :". Yo. Lo. Steward, this is as plain as your old minikin-breeches. Your wisdom will relent now, will it not? Be molliñed, or-You understand me, sir. Proceed. Sav. "Next, that my steward keep his place and power, and bound my brother's wildness with his care." Yo. Lo. I'll hear no more of this Apocrypha; bind it by itself, steward. Sav. This is your brother's will; and, as I take it, he makes no mention of such company as you would draw unto you: Captains of gally-foists; such as in a clear day have seen Calais; fellows that have no more of God than their oaths come to; they wear swords to reach fire at a play, and get there the oiled end of a pipe for their guerdon. Then the remnants of your regiment are wealthy tobacco-merchants, that set up with one ounce, and break for three; together with a forlorn hope of poets; and all these look like Carthusians, things without linen: Are these fit company for my master's brother? Yo. Lo. I will either convert thee. (oh, thou pagan steward!) or presently confound thee and thy reckonings.--Who's there? Call in the gentlemen. Sav. Good sir! Yo. Lo. Nay, you shall know both who I am, and where I am. Sav. Are you my master's brother? Yo. Lo. Are you the sage master steward, with a face like an old Ephemerides? Enter Captain, Traveller, Poet, and Tobacco-man. Sav. Then God help all, I say! Yo. Lo. Ay, and 'tis well said, my old peer of France. Welcome, gentlemen! welcome, gentlemen! mine own dear lads, you're richly welcome. Know this old Harry-groat. Capt. Sir, I will take your love- [Aside. Trav. Your honourable friend and master's brother hath given you to us for a worthy fellow, and so we hug you, sir. Sav. He has given himself into the hands of varlets, to be carv'd out. [Aside.] Sir, are these the pieces? Yo. Lo. They are the morals of the age, the virtues, men made of gold. Sav. Of your gold, you mean, sir. Capt. I am all for drink. Trav. I am dry 'till it be so. Poet. He that will not cry "amen" to this, let him live sober, seem wise, and die o' th' quorum. Yo. Lo. It shall be so; we'll have it all in drink; let meat and lodging go; they are transi Yo. Lo. This is a man of war, and cries, "Go tory, and shew men merely mortal. Then we'll ," and wears his colours on, Sav. In's nose. [Aside. Yo. Lo. In the fragrant field. This is a traveller, sir, knows men and manners, and has ploughed up the sea so far, 'till both the poles have knock'd; has seen the sun take coach, and can distinguish the colour of his horses, and their kinds; and had a Flanders mare leap'd there. Sav. 'Tis much. Trav. I have seen more, sir. Sav. 'Tis even enough, o'conscience. Sit down, and rest you you are at the end of the world already. 'Would you had as good a living, sir, as this fellow could lie out of; he has a notable gift in't! Yo. Lo. This ministers the smoke, and this the muses. Sav. And you the clothes, and meat, and money. You have a goodly generation of 'em; pray let them multiply; your brother's house is big enough; and to say truth, he has too much land: hang it, dirt! Yo. Lo. Why, now thou art a loving stinkard. Fire off thy annotations and thy rent-books; thou hast a weak brain, Savil, and with the next long bill thou wilt run mad.-Gentlemen, you are once more welcome to three hundred pounds a year! We will be freely merry; shall we not? Capt. Merry as mirth and wine, my lovely Loveless. Poet. A serious look shall be a jury to excommunicate any man from our company. Trav. We will have nobody talk wisely neither. Yo. Lo. What think you, gentlemen, by all this revenue in drink? have wenches, every one his wench, and every week a fresh one: We'll keep no powder'd flesh. All these we have by warrant, under the title of "things necessary:" Here, upon this place I ground it: "the obedience of my people, and all necessaries." Your opinions, gentlemen? Capt. 'Tis plain and evident that he meant wenches. Suv. Good sir, let me expound it. Capt. Here be as sound men as yourself, sir. Poet. This do I hold to be the interpretation of it: In this word "necessary" is concluded all that be helps to man: woman was made the first, and therefore here the chiefest. Yo. Lo. Believe me, 'tis a learned one: and by these words, "the obedience of my people," you, steward, being one, are bound to fetch us wenches. Capt. He is, he is. Yo. Lo. Steward, attend us for instructions. Yo. Lo. Nothing but drink, sir; three hundred pounds in drink. Sav. Oh, miserable house, and miserable I that live to see it! Good sir, keep some meat. Yo. Lo. Get us good whores; and for your part, I'll board you in an ale-house: you shall have cheese and onions. Sav. What shall become of me? No chimney smoking? Well, prodigal, your brother will come home. [Exit. Yo. Lo. Come, lads, I'll warrant you for wenches. Three hundred pounds in drink! All. Oh, brave Loveless! [Exeunt. Rog. O, Lord, sir! Wel. Do you love tobacco? Rog. Surely I love it, but it loves not me; yet, with your reverence, I will be bold. Wel. Pray light it, sir. How do you like it? [They smoke tobacco. Rog. I promise you it is notable stinging geer indeed. It is wet, sir: Lord, how it brings down rheum! Wel. Handle it again, sir; you have a warm text of it. Rog. Thanks ever premis'd for it. I promise you it is very powerful, and, by a trope, spiritual; for certainly it moves in sundry places. Wel. Ay, it does so, sir; and me, especially, to ask, sir, why you wear a night-cap? Rog. Assuredly I will speak the truth unto you. You shall understand, sir, that my head is broken; and by whom? Even by that visible beast, the butler. Wel. The butler! Certainly he had all his drink about him when he did it. Strike one of your grave cassock! The offence, sir? |