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THE

HUMOROUS SPEAKER:

BEING

A Choice Collection of Amusing Pieces,

BOTH IN PROSE AND VERSE,

ORIGINAL AND SELECTED;

CONSISTING OF

DIALOGUES, SOLILOQUIES, PARODIES, &C.

DESIGNED

FF. THE USE OF SCHOOLS, LITERARY SOCIETIES, DEBATING

CLUBS SOCIAL CIRCLES AND DOMESTIC ENTERTAINMENT.

BY OLIVER OLDILAM.

Omne tulit punctum, qui miscuit utile dulci,
Loctorom delectandü pariterque monenlo.-HORACR.

NEW YORK:
IVISON, PHINNEY & CO., 48 & 50 WALKER ST.

CHICAGO:
S. C. GRIGGS & CO., 39 & 41 LAKE ST.

1864.

Entrod, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1853, by

I ENRY IVISON
I te Clork's Office for the Southern District of Now York.

8 HRKOTYPED BY

THOMAS B. SMITH

216 William St. N. Y

PREFACE.

HUMOR and fun!
Humor and fun!

There's nothing like it under the sun:
But, if you 'd have it a perfect thing,
All of it honey, none of it sting,
Except, perchance, an occasional fling
At pride, or folly, or some such thing,

Hold on the reins,
Or rather chains,

That Wisdom throws o'er Fancy's strains ;
For Fancy she's a mettlesome steed,
That gives a thoughtless rider no heed;
Rushing right on-mud, gully, or mead,
With a sort of geometric speed;

Fills you with dirt,
The kind to hurt;
Addles your brains
With trifling trains

Of thought that chiefly entertains,
Because obscene, or low, or profane;
From which no useful lesson you gain,
Except you, with all your might and main,

, Shun, as a viper, the filthy strain.

But humor 's good,
And fun is good,

If we but rightly use it would.
It trains the laughing power, at least,
Which measures, they say, 'twixt man and beast;

For, though sometimes
With brutes be chimes,
Nay, often shoots

Below the brutes,
For example, in much of the liquor he quaffs,
Yet is he the only creature that laughs.

Hyenas, true,
And monkeys too,

Are a sort of ghastly, grinning crew;
But the genuine laugh belongs to man,
And he ought to enjoy it as best he can.
* There's a time to laugh,” the wise man said,
And a place, I ween, if this book be read;
Where even a dolt, as heavy as lead,
May something find to enliven bis head,
And cheer up a spirit to dullness wed.

It yields a rich
Variety, which

May prove a kind of moral switch, To lash the crimes that baffle the law-Ingratitude, avarice, et cetera ;—for

* 'Tis known that men will alcohol drink,

Till they neither cau walk, stand, nor thiuk;
While hogs, which foul and filthy they call,
Will shun the poisonous stuff, as gall.

There's many a crime, and heinous too,
That comes not in the law's purview,
Which, still, the satirist much may do
To punish and check, in the spirit true

Of him that hates,
And sharp berates,

The sin, but not the sinning pates,
That vice and folly have rendered crazy,
Foppish or rakish, profane or lazy,
Extravagant, flippant-I know not what-
From a sober fool to a silly sot.
Well, this is the aim the book would reach,
Endeavoring in humorous way to teach,
By a pertinent representative speech,
What should be avoided by all and each.

The work, in fine,
Has that design

Indicated in Horace's line,
(See the title-page, and read the Latin,
A flowing hexameter, smooth as satin,)
Where a dactyl (ūtilë) is made to meet
With a spondee, (dūlci,) th' appropriate feet-
One meaning the useful, the other the swect :
Which things, says Horace, when duly they meet,
Combine to produce an author complete,
Whom every reader can gladly greet.

The book 's for youth,
For schools, in sooth;

Yet it contains much humorous truth,

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