Massachusetts is the only state of mind we have. It is divided into two parts-Boston and the overflow. When you are born in Boston a physician calls and presents you with a college degree, after which you are fully equipped to live in New York and look down on the barbarians of that gambling district.

ΝΕ

N. J.

EW JERSEY is said to be the only foreign country within the borders of the United States. It is connected with New York at long intervals by the Hoboken Ferry Company, whose Noah's arks ply industriously across the loud lapse of waters that lie between.

Also, the Pennsylvania Railroad has electric plants with movable paddle-wheels that are constantly relieving people temporarily placed in Jersey City from the pressure of staying there all the time.

New Jersey suffers from Hoboken, Newark and Paterson. It raises trusts, eggs and personal taxes, and is the lurking place of the road-ridden commuter.

Early in the morning, flocks of Jersey commuters can be seen rising from their nests in Jersey and flying east, darkening the sky by their great numbers. At night they hurry home again, having snatched from the Metropolis almost enough ready cash to pay for their daily bread.

The Passaic River also runs through New Jersey, stopping only for garbage at all points east of the Kill von Kull. On the banks of the Passaic, able-bodied mosquitoes can be seen rearing their young, disciplining their troops, and practicing with their javelins for the spring campaign, which begins in April and lasts until about one week before Thanksgiving.

New Jersey is also afflicted by the Erie Railroad, whose cars are carried back and forth over the system every day by willing

passengers. The Erie is one of the few railroads in the world that does not depend upon its tracks to run on. From Weehawken to Greenwood Lake, over the Erie, the walking is fairly good, and no man with a pair of good stout legs, and a brave and manly heart, need fear the trip.

New Jersey is peopled by householders, and tradespeople who prey upon them. The morning after a man arrives in New Jersey, all the grocers in the State assemble before his door and fight over his prostrate form. Having selected the worst one of the whole lot, he settles back into a life of regret and unpaid bills.

To visit New Jersey in summer, take along a diving suit and a keg of chloroform. In winter, a pair of snowshoes, a family physician and a boundless courage.

CONN.

CON

ONNECTICUT is infested by the N. Y., N. H. and H. R. R., and the freshman class of Yale College. On one side it shines with the reflected culture of Massachusetts, and on the other, glows from the warm virtue of Tammany Hall.

Connecticut is the only State in the Union where the business men all go home to luncheon. It subsists mainly on factories and flirting.

The Connecticut River flows through the State, and is constantly emptying some of the principal members of the Hartford Club into Long Island Sound.

Hartford, a principal city, is located in one of the largest department stores in the State, and is peopled by several hightoned citizens of wealth, who sleep at home in the daytime and pass their evenings in New York. In Hartford the insurance rates rise to a height of several thousand dollars above the level of the sea, and extend clear across the continent to the Pacific.

Hartford society is divided into two opposing elements-poker players and leaders in prayer. Hartford mothers have discarded cribs, and use autos to bring up their babies in.

New Haven sleeps at the foot of Savin Rock, awakened only at long intervals by Professor Ladd's class in philosophy, and the Psi Delta Kappa as they ante up. The skating in New Haven is unexcelled, the students wearing their skates far into the sumNew Haven is often careless in its habits, forgetting to bring in its college widows at night, and has the proud distinction of possessing the only boy president in the country.

mer.

Bridgeport, first founded by Noah and P. T. Barnum, is clutched firmly by the N. Y., N. H. and H. R. R., and leads a hell on earth. Its society leaders can be seen as late as seven in the morning carrying their cans down to the suspender factories where they toil, carefully avoiding their contagious trolley car system, which was given up by medical science at the close of the last century.

Connecticut is noted for its sanitariums, among others being the New England Railroad, celebrated for its rest cure devices. In the country districts wooden nutmegs are still raised, and farmers can be seen driving bargains with their wives and children from sunrise to sunset. Wooden automobiles are also used. The weather in Connecticut varies from a linen duster to a coonskin coat. But generally speaking, the temperature is pretty

mean.

FLA.

FLO LORIDA, one of the principal gambling centres of the United States, is located just south of the Waldorf-Astoria, and is inhabited by bell-boys, head waiters and magnates during the winter months, and by mosquitoes, malaria and mangoes in the

summer.

In places, Florida rises to a depth of ten feet above the level

of the sea, and, unlike some rolling stones, gathers moss all the time.

The chief industries of Florida are the roulette table and several orange groves, so situated that no matter which you play, you lose.

The climate of Florida varies, being warm enough for straw hats and cold enough to freeze you to death, all in the same day. Money is freely raised in Florida, at St. Augustine and Palm Beach, so called because of the outward, or extended, palm.

There are no germs in Florida, it costing them too much to stay overnight in the hotels.

HOMO SUM.

MAN: a branch of the higher order of vertebræ, inhabiting

melted.

the globe for a period of several moments after the ice.

Traces of man have been found as far north as within several miles of the North Pole, and as far south as the Antarctic belt.

Man was essentially a scavenger, tearing down forests and spreading his own loci habiti over vast portions. No trace of reason has been discovered in man, but his instincts were apparently well developed, much of his work almost equaling the spider, the ant and other insects.

Man generally worked in vast numbers, and had no regard for his own life. Petrified remains of two men, one cutting the other open with barbarous instruments, show this quite plainly.

It is questionable whether man was a creature of feeling, authorities differing. The latest researches seem to favor the theory that he was naturally cruel, his cruelty proceeding from indifference.

There is no evidence to show that he was susceptible to pleasure or pain.

There is much doubt as to whether man had any means of communication or not. Some theorists have suggested that he must have had a language, but this theory is purely anthropocentric, and to be deprecated without substantive evidence.

Man was apparently divided into two sexes-male and female. There is evidence that at one period of their development they lived together in harmony, buried utensils and equipments common only to what is known as family being discovered in large cultures. But this was only for a short time.

It is now highly probable, from careful sifting of all the evidence about this strange species, that the last state of man was worse than the first.

FLIRTING.

FLIRTING is a system of signals designed to take place between two persons, in order to conceal from each other their preferences.

riage.

Flirting is not always successful. It frequently ends in mar

Flirting is undoubtedly an art, and yet there seems to be no hard and fast rule to govern it. As a game, the only rule it has is that each shall cheat the other as much as possible. It is a gamble, and yet one in which the probabilities are that both players will lose. While extremely social in its nature, it does not seem to follow the laws that control society. There is organized labor, but no organized flirting-except at seaside resorts.

Flirting is not restricted to beautiful women and handsome men, but is free for all. A real homely girl, with an acute attack of brains, is often more successful at it than a human doll.

It takes two to make a flirtation-the flirter and the flirtee.