dashed his pipe under the grate; why the devil don't they stay at home, and pick sheeps'-heads in their smoky shealins? Was I in his Majesty's shoes, never a Scot of them should find rest for the sole of his foot in English ground."

"Gentlemen," said the pedlar, with great composure of countenance, "it clearly appears unto me that the causes o' Scotch emigration are very imperfectly understood; and if ye'll only ha'e the gudeness to listen wi' attention, I'll endeavour to mak' ye rise up wiser men than ye sat down." We certainly are an uncouth, hairyminded people, Mr Killigrew, jealous of our birthrights, and more stiff necked than the wild ass's colt; but kindly dispositioned withal, fond of fair play, and inclined to furnish our intellectual warehouses with wholesome knowledge: consequently the pedlar's proposal was received very favourably indeed. We declared unto him, conjunctly and severally, that pack and person would be suffered to depart in peace, hale and harmless, notwithstanding any unpleasant truths he might have occasion to make manifest; and on the strength of these our solemn assurances, Mr Waumphrey advanced his right foot somewhere about half a pace before its companion, planted the knuckles of his left hand immediately above the hip joint, which certainly is the most graceful of all oratorical positions, and having motioned with his right to obtain silence, a boon that was very readily granted, he spoke as follows, word for word: "I' the first place, my friends, be it known unto you, that the centrifugal impetus o' the planet we inhabit, as it whirls about on its axletree frae West to East, naturally inclines every particle o' loose matter to hirzle awa' towards the Equator, and in consequence thereof, a' the bodies on our hemisphere that ha'e legs to rin on, are impelled Southward, more or less; but, luckily for poor auld Scotland, there are certain localities that in some measure counteract the aforesaid impulse, otherwise she wou'd soon be childless. Many o' her grave bairns contrive to withstand it by clinging to the Kirk; ithers mak' a cauld shift to bide at hame, by keeping a gude grip o' the weel-hain'd

geer their fathers, mithers, uncles, and aunties, left behint them; and not a few, to their credit be it spoken, are withheld by the attraction o'green hills, bloomy glens, todlin burns, and trysting thorns; whilst the hapless residue are constrained to put a clean sark i' their pouch, and tak' the gate, staff in hand. Hence it is evident, that Scotsmen are impelled Southward by a power not to be gainsaid, and ye may therefore just as weel save yoursel's the trouble o' throwing stumbling-blocks ' their way, because Nature will ha'e her ain gate, in spite o' your teeth. But there is also a local, or secondary cause, that fetches very many North Britons across the Tweed. In this blessed country, where cordial gin, rich compounds, and strong waters, o' every denomination, are quaffed out o' pint stoups, and ither drinking-vessels, by word o' mouth, it may weel be supposed that the national intellect is reduced many degrees below proof; and in order that ye may clearly comprehend how the depreciation is brought about, and also in what manner it is remedied, attendez vous, as Dominie Monkland said to Robin Wightman's ass, and I'll endeavour to make it appear as plain as a pyke staff.”

Having thus far acquitted himself, to our entire satisfaction, Mr Waumphrey proceeded to sketch a couple of vessels on the sanded floor, with the tip of his ellwand,-connected them together by means of a stopcock, at least the semblance of one,marked the said vessels E and S, for distinction's sake, and continued his very edifying discourse in these words: "Now, gentlemen, ye clearly see how the twa kingdoms are connected thegether, and perceive the means whereby a free intercourse is maintained between them. It is therefore my intention to demonstrate, i' the first place, how baneful causes produce ill-conditioned effects, then prove the absolute necessity o' Norland emigration, and likely enough conclude, by illustrating the subject wi' a wheen practical observations. Thae preliminaries being settled, we'll dismiss the whole clanjamphry o' speculative arguments, and proceed to demonstration. Into the vessel E, by means of a jug, de

canter, jorum, or any other convenient utensil, pour a sufficient quantity o' Auld Tam*, Yorkshire Stingo, and Barclay's Genuine, whose praise is the theme o' every living language, and a' the intellectual matter therein contained will become rarified, and a partial vacuum the consequence thereof. Now, in order to renovate the contents, and save the vessel itsel' frae being squeezed as flat as a pancake by the external atsmosphere, that presses wi' a density o' fifteen punds averdupois, or thereabouts, on every superficial inch, open the communication-cock wi' your finger and thumb, and a' the unsophisticated intellect contained in S will immediately put itsel' in motion, and continue to flow into its Southern neighbour, until the twasome are what we ca' in a state o' equilibrium. There's nae fear o' S becoming a bankrupt, sae lang as she continues to procreate wit and wisdom faster than Charlie Barclay can brew, and Jamie Booth distil. Having now pointed out the evil influence o' Auld Tam and his friends, and clearly demonstrated the absolute necessity o' keeping the cock open, I'll e'en fa' to, wi' leave o' the company, and offer a few remarks by way o' supplement."

The limits of a letter, Mr Killigrew, will not admit of our transmitting one fiftieth part of the wisdom imparted to us by your most excellent countryman, and we therefore beg leave to state, generally, that the Waumphronian Philosophy hath effectually eradicated illiberal prejudice, in which this city abounded, root and branch. Our "Scotch Annoyance-Clubs," as they were formerly called, are now denominated "Caledonian Fraternities;" and every member binds and obliges himself to encourage the importation of North Britons, by every means in his power. As a proof of our good will, the committee, on hearing of your great loss, commanded me to make out a circumstantial account of what came to pass in this city a few years ago, and send it to Millennium without delay, in order that they might enjoy the satisfaction of contributing, though in a very small de

Old Tom, a cant phrase for strong cordial gin.

gree, to the intellectual comforts of an unfortunate Scotsman. Though a leading man in the committee, it pains me to say, that I can neither read nor write, because these essential accomplishments were scouted before Saunders Waumphrey came amongst us; but my son, Barnaby, is a decentish scribe, and sits at my elbow on club-nights, which enables me to fill the honourable situation I now hold with tolerable credit. Sincerely wishing that the inclosed li terary mite may be of service, and afford amusement to your public friends, I beg leave to subscribe myself, for the Goat-Inn Caledonian Fraternity, Dear KILLIGREW,

Thine for evermore,

his

HODGE X SHERWIN, Secretary.

mark.

And in humble imitation of our very good friend, Mr Hodge Sherwin, Secretary to the Goat-Inn Caledonian Fraternity, I also beg leave to subscribe myself,

Dear Editor,
Thine for evermore,
SAML. KILLIgrew.

London, 1823.

The Lottery Club.

"Ned, Ned, Ned," cried the Porkman's wife, as she punched his ribs with her elbow; "Gad rabbit it, wont ye stir?-seven pigs ripe for the whittle, born beauties every mother's son of them. Only see how the dear creatures look up the chimney, wagging their tails, and longing to be hung!" She rubbed her eyes until they glimmered from beneath their respective winkers, and dived under the bed-clothes, muttering as she disappeared, 66 Mercy on us! what a strange dream!" Ned being a heavy sleeper, turned him on his lair, scratched his hochs, and snored on, without paying the smallest attention to Mrs Faggle. In less than half an hour thereafter, the Porkman's wife pegged his ribs once more, and beseeched him to put on his spectacles," because," quoth she, "it will do your precious sight good to look upon the handsomest goose that ever was hatched in Lincoln

shire-never did I clap my eyes on her marrow." But Ned lent a deaf car to his wife's entreaty, and demeaned himself precisely as afore said. In like manner, did Mrs Faggle start in her sleep, just as Big Tom* was announcing the third hour, and called upon her husband to lend a hand in trussing five of the loveliest ducks that ever waddled; but she called in vain, for Neddy's nasal drone was in such excellent order, that he could not be prevailed on to lay it aside; and when Mrs F.'s imagination was fairly delivered of its visionary brood, she also tuned her chaunter, and accompanied Ned's bass most melodiously, until within a few minutes of four o'clock, when another and more successful attempt was made to waken the Porkman. Mrs Faggle beheld, in the course of her dreaming, a couple of stately turkies, well feathered, and fair to look upon, standing by the kitchen range, wistfully contemplating a blue and white woollen string, as it hung before the grate ribs; and verily be lieving that the creatures secretly wished to be trussed and suspended to the roasting-peg, she arose and leapt on the floor, but unfortunately seizing her husband's wet boots in lieu of the aforesaid Norfolk volunteers, Mrs F. soon became sensible that the porkers and poultry she had so very lately been in love with, were neither more nor less than a pack of illusive impostors. Lincolnshire ladies are celebrated all the world over for their kind-heartedness, delicate sensibility, purity of demeanour, and inviolable attachment to their liege lords-all which virtues were happily concentrated in the person of Mrs Edward Faggle. She loved her husband most sincerely, and he, in return, did all that in him lay to make Seuky Napple, (Mrs F.'s maiden name,) the happiest wife in all Higgler-lane. No stone was left unturned by Neddy, to find her in wearables meet for a Porkman's wife, and his praiseworthy attention to the main chance was also very commendable. He slew, and sold early and late, Sunday and Saturday, church hours excepted, because it is

A Bell in Lincoln Cathedral, said to be the largest in England.

very sinful to mind our worldly concerns during divine service; and Ned was a man that regularly attended public worship, after the manner of his forefathers. But, unlike the generality of tradesmen, who fritter away their odd Sabbath hours at cricket, trap-ball, leap-frog, and other unprofitable amusements, he returned to the shop when service was over, and busied himself in cutting up carcases, cleaving heads, chopping sausage meat, and serving his customers; whilst Mrs Faggle was no less beneficially engaged in making up pennyworths of pigs' fry, cleansing chitterlings, scalding pettitoes, and bringing up her only child, Miss Sue, in the pure Episcopal light of our holy religion. This latter part of her daily task was too frequently a thistle under the foot of poor Mrs Faggle, because little Seuk, though a sensible, intelligent girl of her age, was nevertheless of a stubbornish disposition, peevish, irritable, and inclined to obstinacy, particularly at bed-time, when commanded to say her prayers; and many a time has Neddy been called from the counter to enforce obedience, because a father's rebuke, generally speaking, falls heavier on the young ear than a mother's fist. He usually took the child on his knee, and expostulated with her in this manner: "Dn thy limbs, thou little pouting baggage, what the d-l's all this rumpuring about? Ground thy marrow-bones this precious moment, or by the Ld I'll wring the starch out o' thy stiff neck." Then followed a few slaps on the breech, if necessary, accompanied by a fatherly curse or two,discipline that never failed of, bringing Miss to her senses. I pity the parents, from my soul, whom the Evil One tormenteth with obstinate children: but to return to Mrs Faggle. On clearly perceiving that her pigs and poultry were "all my eye, Betty Martin," she repaired to the bedside, like unto a dutiful wife, whose superior wisdom is regularly delivered to her husband, the moment it is hatched, in order to counsel with Neddy, and devise ways and means whereby she might be enabled to procure an interpretation of her dreams, because mother Faggle

had heard tell of the great plenty that Pharaoh's fat kine and well-filled ears of corn betokened'; and was inclined to believe, that the born beauties, fat goose, comely ducks, and stately turkies, she had seen in her sleep, were also harbingers of good luck. With this intent, she laid violent hands on Ned's shoulder, and jogged him pretty freely for a certain space of time; but the man, as we before observed, being a sound sleeper, and partial to nasal music, felt no inclination whatever to comply with her wishes, and therefore Mrs Seuky had recourse to more effectual means. With the freedom that married ladies in general consider themselves entitled to exercise, she let go Ned's shoulder, and thummed his ears so very affectionately, that he awoke without more ado."

Far be it from me to introduce extraneous matter, however specious, into this narrative, when so many kindred facts intimately connected therewith are teazing me to put them on record; and as for recapitulations, no man despiseth the whole seed, breed, and generation of them, more than I do, because they make such a fill-the-field appearance. Hence it is, that I have fully made up my mind to pass over the colloquial altercation that ensued altogether, because the result of it will appear in due time, pack up my awls, and take the road with Mr and Mrs Faggle, heart in hand: so here goes. Ned padlocked the gate of his back premises, filled his hog-troughs, and unmuzzled Jowler, whilst his no less careful wife set every breakable utensil out of the cat's way, fastened her cup boards, and put on her things, consisting of a sky-coloured bombazeen gown, full flounced, and bound with blue satin-white dimity petticoat, altogether unexceptionable as to fabric, and warranted to wash welllight fawn-complexioned silk stockings, black velvet shoes, and pattens attached to her feet by means of red leather tags and silk strings, together with a real Dunstable Leghorn gypsie hat, trimmed with scolloped pink ribbons, à la François, and a double row of genuine amber beads about her comely Parian-marble neck: ivory and alabaster are dull common-place comparisons, and there

fore we reject them. These corporeal decorations, when coupled with an elegant ivory-shanked parasol, and fashionable reticule of best crimson velvet, the former upheld by her kidgloved right, and the latter dangling from her kid-gloved left, induced very many creditable passers by inly to say, "Gracious me! what a smart, well-dressed, lady-looking woman!" But Neddy could never be persuaded to furnish his wardrobe with suitable apparel, and tidy himself to Seuky's liking, owing to a clownish obstinacy on his part, that gave birth to many domestic bickerings, and, what is most surprising, Mrs Faggle, though an excellent logician, was uniformly worsted in every squabble. "Gad rot it!" Neddy used to say, "what the deuce care I for tassel-shin'd boots, frill'd-shirts, lawncravats, fashionable-cut coats, and the devil knows all what? Hand down my good old rough-and-ready Flushing fearnought, the wrapper that hides all blemishes, front, flank, and rear; and, hear ye me, old lass, bring forth the boots that neither brush nor blacking-ball furbisheth from week's end to week's end. As for a

third day's shirt, dem the fellow, say I, that boggles at it. Rummage the drawer, Seuk, and find me the Belcher handkerchiff that took home Alderman Belgoit's pork chops last night,

it's good enough, in all conscience, for a tradesman's neck; and he that dislikes my rusty napless hat, let him take it off and put on a better. Ned Faggle's a Lincolnshire lad, unschooled, home-spoken, and rudelyfashioned withal, blessed be the maker! but, thank God, he can drive a bargain, and cut up a hog, with ever a pig-jobber in England, and that's a bold saying."

Having fastened the shutters, and locked up their shop, the worthy couple trudged away down the lane, not hand in glove, as some people may be disposed to imagine, because Neddy was a full tether-length ahead of his wife, and might have been taken for any body else than Mrs Faggle's husband; but I was just going to lay hold of the finest allegorical conundrum, illustrative of conjugal attraction, that ever presented itself to the imagination of man, and certainly would have succeeded,

had not the wayward idea of Neddy's napless hat fairly driven it out of my head. The courteous reader will therefore be kind enough to excuse any little deformity of style that may happen to appear hereabouts. Mrs Susan Faggle was by no means ashamed of her husband, either at home or abroad; but women are weak vessels. There is a sensitive delicacy peculiar to the whole petticoated fraternity, from the wine-merchant's wife down to the pork-merchant's lady, that the writer hereof had some thoughts of analyzing; but, as it would require a much larger portion of ability than he can well afford, to do it justice, the notion, of course, must be abandoned, and, consequently, Master Reader is at liberty to judge for himself, as to Seuky's motives for following her husband at a shy distance, with little Miss toddlin in the van, dandling her doll, and singing like a nightingale. On approaching the Hog in Armour, an alehouse so called, famous for Burton Stout, Devonshire Cyder, and Maidstone Gin, Mrs Tubly, the landlady, espied Seuky from the bar-window, threw up the sash, and made her obeisance; not that the woman had any particular business with Mrs Faggle, but ladies are naturally of a sociable disposition; and when they happen to descry an intimate acquaintance, seized, as the lawyers term it, of a new sky-coloured bombazeen gown, white dimity petticoat, Dunstable Leghorn, ivory-shanked parasol, and crimson velvet reticule, they are very apt to congratulate the owner upon sight, examine the fit, fashion, and quality of her things, then praise what is praiseworthy, and blame what is blameable. On Seuky's nearer approach, Mrs Tubly accosted her in this fashion: "Dash my wig, Mother Faggle, thou sports thy figure rarely. The prettiest bombazeen, the handsomest gypsie hat, the smartest parasol, and the most beautiful reticule, that ever woman clapt eyes on. My stars! who would not be a Porkman's lady!" But Mother Faggle turned the tide of Mrs Tubly's astonishment into another channel, when she related her three dreams, and declared that Neddy had made up his mind to have them interpreted, cost what it would.

"Good gracious me !" exclaimed the astonished landlady, "I can dream of nothing the live-long night but surly brewers, growling distillers, bilked reckonings, and baited bulls goring the ground, and tossing their horns. As for geese, pigs, ducks, turkies, and so on-Gad fatten them!" "Hush, hush," quoth the Porkman's wife, significantly touching her nose with her forefinger; "speak low, I beseech ye, and for Heaven's sake mention not a syllable of what's been said to a living soul, because, should it happen to travel, any body, you' know, might go to the Wise Man, and pick the luck out of our fingers." "Me divulge a syllable of it!" exclaimed mine hostess of the Hog in Armour; "marry and grace, how the woman talks! The secrets committed to my keeping, Mrs Faggle, never travel any farther. It's well known that I'm no tattler."

On the strength of these sayings, the Porkman's consort took a hasty leave of Mrs Tubly, and followed Ned without delay; but she had not proceeded along the lane ten lengths of herself, before another admirer of skycoloured bombazeen gowns, white dimity petticoats, gypsie Leghorns, &c. &c., made her appearance in the person of Mrs Wigly, the tripe-woman, who was even more delighted with Seuky's finery than she of the Hog in Armour; and Mrs Faggle, in return for the many highly-finished compliments paid to her rigging, could do no less than unbosom herself to Mother Wigly also, concluding, with a fac-simile of the very appropriate admonition she had just delivered to mine hostess," For Heaven's sake, mention not a syllable of what's been said to a living soul." "Lord love ye, Seuk," quoth the vender of blanched intestines, "I'd part with my right hand sooner than part with a secret; and foul befal the woman, Mrs Faggle, that divulges what a female friend communicates in confidence! I'm no gossiper."

The Porkman's wife started after her husband once more, and made good her lee-way with some difficulty, because of the many admirers of sky-coloured bombazeens she forgathered with, to all of whom Mrs Faggle related her three dreams, made known the course she and Neddy had