a tremenduous belly, which threaten ferious confequences if not difengaged, relieved and fet free we have on receiving an embaffage from his lordship, commiffioned his lordship's hofts to a fafe midwife, ordering a proper clyfter of caftor oil, and 'with the tincture of tantaradin gently rubbed over the pipe to encourage a titulation; all which are to be administered by the old woman, into the anus; which medicine will roufe his lordship to make ftrong efforts to an abolition, and unfheathing his womb of fo large a group of favages; when we shall wait on his lordship, praying his acceptance of precedence to our fociety of new philofophers, of our enlightened age and northern hemifphere; on his lordship's acceptance, we will in proceffion wait on their high mightineffes, praying their interefting themfelves with the legislative body of Great Britain, for inftalling his lordship with the fuperior dignity of cardinal, which high dignity will grace our Proteftant cause, and being the first in the annals of the reformation, will give great energy and force, and draw fubordination to the banner of our new philofophy of our enlightened age and northern hemifphere; when his eminence will iffue his decree as follows. To all my fubftantializing children be it known: I Luther, cardinal, prieft, lord archbishop, metropolitan and primate of all England, with all and every part or parcel thereunto appertaining and belonging, empires, kingdoms, principalities, colonies, with all and every their appendages whensoever, and wherefoever, might ap

pear

pear, only within the limitation of our great, wife, and benevolent mother, from whom and through whom we receive our being, and every bleffing we enjoy, expect, with or covet, from this time forth for evermore, greeting. Be it my dear and beloved children, with whom I am in labour until now, known, that ye hold yourselves in readiness, according, and in due fubordination to this our mandate erected, built, and founded, on the firm principle and bulwark of fubftantiality, proved, confented and allowed by the five fenfes; that is to say, feeing or fpying, hearing, tafting, fmelling and feeling; which are the principles that form and compofe our new philofophy, of this our enlightened age and northern hemifphere. Item, be it known that we are approved of, and felected by the unanimous and substantial body of new philofophers, of this our enlightened age and northern hemifphere, chief and prime Pig, and first in repute, to watch over, iffue decrees, and fet free from ftings and remorse which infect and teaze the heart; also fhame and difmay which teaze the aforefaid, and rob, pilfer, and maim the injured captive: all and every restraint are by the aforefaid commiffion and authority fecluded; fo that peace, harmony, good-fellowship, jollity, merriment,

mirth,

laughter, funninels, and in a word every happinefs and diverfion, with unremitted pleasure wherever we go. Item, No neighbour in future of the feathered race, to be plucked, or neighbour of the four-footed be fheared, but good manners and neighbourly agreement,

with voluptuous harmony reign free coft. Item, the extraordinary indulgence bequeathed unto the fhe-pigs, or new female philofophers of our enlightened age, and wherefoever our enlightened authority extends and commands reach, in addition to pure nature, in dress is, a wreath of flowers about the head, and a jerkin or strait jacket or bandage, twelve inches in length, beginning under or below the breaft or paps, and finifhing or ending above the mole or navel. The he or male pigs fomething fimilar to the jerkin, but different head-drefs, fay, a clofe cotton cap. Item, to remove fcandal, mifconception or demur, and take away ftumblingblocks that may arife either through prejudice, misconstruction, or malice and flander, that I, being first in eminence in protestantism, should be fo in materialifm. Know ye, therefore, and be it decreed, that Proteftantifin protefts and prohibits all Catholic or general laws that went and were received until that or their epoch, which we term vagaries and whims of fpirit, dreams of old women, in order to give place to fubftantiality, which firm both proteftantifim and materialifm are grounded upon, and are Coufin Germans, fpringing from one ocean of fweetneffes. Proteftantifm is founded upon this unalterable and fubftantial fact, that is to fay, every man adheres to his pofitive opinion, which proceeds from his brain. Materialifin believes, as they do, in the brain. Proteftantifm was adopted by Martin Luther, when the morning dawn of our Bright Luminary, new Philofophy, glimmered and peeped through the black

regions

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regions of ignorance, horror, and despair, which dawn commenced in the fixteenth century, but fo great a work (as the fun) requires its proper time to arrive at its zenith, or meridian plenitude, which unfathomable, inebriating and ineffable bleffing now is perfected in this our enlightened age and northern hemifphere, as you know, and will give ample teftimony, which will be a convincing example to all future ge

nerations.

Item, The old chriftian world being thought in the beginning to be a fabric impeccable, our first progenitors, or great patriarchs, wink at the Spirit. This they knew proper, as the enormous fabric of the chriftian world was built upon the fpirit, which was deep-rooted in our hearts; but to our great and immortal splendour, darkness has taken her flight, the day-ftar is feated in the midst of our hearts, the little remains of fpiritual anguifh, fhame and remorse left ftanding in the times of our proteftant forefathers and unweeded, are now, by our decree, done away, or rather fanctioned, ratified, and confirmed, by this broad feal of our authority, being and proceeding from the centre of unity, or grand link of refinement, which uncloifters the heretofore proteftant church of the pretended fpiritual clouts or rags, that he, through fhame, pride, or remorfe, fuffered to remain; but now, in our enlightened age, is cleansed, and, like polished fteel, fprings and with heartfelt joy cling to the adamant, with embraces of enchanting, focial love, clafp, hug, welcome, and, with energetic zeal, engender refinement

of

of the most exquifite and foft delights, repofed in the lap of amorous inclination.

Item, It is, therefore, decreed, from the date of these presents, and it is decreed and enacted accordingly, that from henceforward, that as it was thought proteftantifm and materialism were two opinions, we have fet forth, explained and proved this fuppofition to be erroneous, and that it iffued from, and through ignorance of our liege pigs, or malice of our adverfaries, we now repeat and establish firm and substantially, abfolutely and bona fide, that Materialism is Proteftantifm refined, polifhed and made perfect; and from this date it is fo decreed. Given under our broad feal, 1785.

Mofes. I obferve, in fome parts of your decree, you confider the heart as the most noble part of man.

Club. Most truly the heart principally governs; it is the feat of the will; it accepts or repels, without fubjection, the will; commands, directs, defires, purposes, makes its refolves, places its affections, and in diftrefs, forrow, pleasure, or any part whatfoever is the part affected, in this feat or repofitory (the heart) the old spiritual errors governed and inflicted man; and it is an old obfervation, that the ftings of conscience wounds the heart, or wounds the foul, putting them upon an equality without diftinction. It was, we allow, in the days of error, the proper part to feat the foul, the quality or property of which, confcience being there placed, fixed, and crowned King, enthroned, wielding the royal fceptre, iffuing his

edicts,