HOW MANY BABIES OUGHT AN OMNIBUS TO CARRY?

"SIR,-I started in a Hammersmith 'buss last Friday. It contained three ladies, each nursing a baby. At Kensington Gore there entered another lady and another baby. At Charing Cross we took up the double (both in appearance and size) of Mrs. Harris, with two more babies, one in each arm. By the time we reached the Bank, there were no less than seven good-sized babies inside. Now I should not so much mind the pretty innocents, as they are called, if they would only keep quiet, but at Hyde Park Corner one of the 'little dears" began to cry-I think it was the Wellington Statue that frightened it-and not all the 'chickychicky" gibberish in the world could stop it. This was bad enough, but soon the baby next to it went off and then another, and after that another, till at last there was the whole pack in full cry down Fleet Street and Cheapside. Imagine seven babies crying att once! I have a headache merely thinking of it.

"Treally think a stop should be put to this crying evill. I do not like children at the best of times, i but when they take hold of your whiskers, and scream, as babes only can scream). I must say they are my abomination. A mother will sometimes hand her darling to you and forget to take it back again; and a baby sitting on your knee a whole journey is, I can tell you, sir, anything but a plea sant sensation. The number, too, which an omnibus will take, seems to be unlimited. Every passenger is entitled to a baby gratis. The fare is properly sixpence, and a little one in. The thirteen insides are by this footing made to stand for six-and-twenty. This is too bad, sir, and I wish you, or SIR PETER LAURIE would put children down. I think an omnibus which would write over its door, like some theatres, No Babies admitted,' would soon pick up a fortune.

Allow me to subscribe myself, sir,

"ONE OF THOSE WHO HAVE AN IMMENSE LOVE FOR "CHILDREN-in their proper places."

SPICY STUFF FOR MINCE PIES; A Batch of Stories by HILLIO TANTIVY, ESQ., Author of "The Great Slipper Hunt." Price 58.

THE TOAST ON THE FOOTMAN, nicely buttered for all tastes; with a cut of the Toast, and a full length of the Footman, by MRS. BORE. Price 58.

THE STREET-DOOR BELL; or, the Clapper that rang the Old Cook out, and let the New Cook in, by Young CRIBB. Price 58.

DECEMBER THE THIRTY-FIRST; being the Last Minutes of the Old Year, with a Letter of Introduction to the New One. Price 58.

THE ADVENTURES OF SALLY LUNN AND THE BARON OF BEEF; a Story for the Fashionable Areas, Select Circles, and Respectable Squares. By One who you little think knows you. Price 58.

"HERE WE ARE!" A Merry Pantomime for Merry Little Boys. Price 58.

THE cheap Omnibus system, it seems, has long been common in Scotland. We always gave the Scotch credit for making a penny go further than anybody else.

A KNOWING TRICK.

We recommend that the custom of wearing hair-powder should be revived amongst young men of wealth and aristocratic connexions, holding high rank in the army and navy. This fashion might be advantageously re-introduced, with a view to obviate invidious comparisons; so many of their inferior officers having grown grey in their respective services.

The Dancer and the Pope.

FANNY ELSLER has been allowed to kiss the proposals to the lady, who, it is pretty certain, will Pope's toe. The Poet BUNN immediately sent off She will dance a new historical pas seul to be called appear shortly after Christmas at Drury Lane. the Pas de Pape.

MORE EXPLOSIONS.

THERE has been discovered a kind of explosive paper. The BERKELEY Brothers, in the letters! they have lately written to one another, have certainly availed themselves of this discovery.

Duly Qualified.

A COUNTRY paper, very rudely commenting on the DUCHESS OF MARLBOROUGH's late shooting feat

THE LUCIFER MATCH; a Companion to the "Yule Log." Price 58.

cate?" And the Duchess makes answer and says— "A marriage certificate."

THE ENGLISH IN LITTLE.

BY GENERAL TOM THUMB.

TOM THUMB GOES TO THE PALACE-THE "BACKSTAIRS"-THE

MAIDS-OF-HONOUR.

DON'T much like going to the Palace up the backstairs," said GOVERNOR BARNUM. "Shouldn't much like Congress to know it. 'Tisn't doing the thing by the star-spangled banner. However, just to see what crowned heads is made of, we'll go."

"In course," said I, for already I felt my teeth in

the royal muffins. "In course."

BARNUM set down, and writ a short note to the QUEEN, civilly telling her, that as we had no other engagement for that night, we'd come. BARNUM was going to seal the letter with wax.

"Governor," says I, "no wax: think of the independence of the model republic, and seal with a wafer."

'Well, at seven o'clock, for the QUEEN dined very early that day to see us, we druv from our private lodgings in Grafton Street to Buckingham Palace. We took nothing more than a cab, to show American independence.

"If MRS. VICTORIA," said BARNUM to me, ""had asked us in at the front-gate, where the flag is flying, we'd have gone, General, in a coach-and-six. As it is, we'll match the back-stairs with a cab."

Well, we druv up, and hadn't need to ring the bell; for the door was opened in a minute, and a dozen critturs in crimson-with railroads of gold running up and down their coats, and their heads as if they'd come out of a snow-storm, were waitin for us. I hadn't then time to make a meditation; or I should have said something about happy Columbia, where our helps are free citizens, and not tattooed by the tailors, as they are among the Britishers. However, I did say to GOVERNOR BARNUM very softly, "I'd rather be a Red Man than a Man in Crimson." Whereupon, the Governor halfshut his eye, like a slit in a money-box, and held up his finger.

"General, this is the back-stairs," said one of the helps in crimson. P'raps, my countrymen-for I write to Americans-you may have heard of the back-stairs of palaces. You never saw sich a thing, and for the sake of our happy republic I hope you never will. At Washington there is no back-stairs. When we want MR. POLK, we don't stand knocking at the door; but just turn the handle and walk into the drawing-room; and, if he's not there, into any other place in the house; and we should just like to catch him putting a bolt to any door on the premises. 'Tis n't so at the court of the Britishers.

"This is the back stairs," said the help. And first, to begin with, they are so tarnation small, and so cruel crooked, that I'm certain no really great man ever could go up and down 'em. Howsomever, the Governor and I mounted and mounted-feeling ourselves walking up a corkscrew-and we both thought there would be no end to it. How I did pity the poor critturs of palaces, obligated to run up and down a twisting, twirling, back staircase, fitterer for eels and snakes to go up and down, and in and out-much fitterer than for two-legged humans.

Well, at last we got up the back-stairs, and though I am lovely small, when I'd got to the end I never did feel so little in my life. "Governor," says I, "if they don't let us out at the front gate, I shall stay here for good. There is no back-stairs in a Free Republic, and my dander is up at the thoughts on it."

Agin the Governor puts up his finger, as much as to say "bus'ness." So I says nothin, but stands still to get my wind. "You must stay here till HER MAJESTY shall be pleased to command your presence," said the help.

I was a little riled at this, but with "business" uppermost in my mind, I said nothing. Well, in a few minutes, what they call a Lordin-waitin comes to us, and says we must follow him. You should have seen the crittur. He was dressed in a sky-blue satin coat, with amber-coloured very-smalls and a pink-waistcoat, with silver periwinkles crawling all about it. There was bunches of silk sunflowers and hollyhocks worked in his skirts-and silk convolvuluses a running round his cuffs. He wanted nothing but a tight-rope and a balancepole to be set up for life.

And I dare say, now, you want to know what is meant by a Lord

in-waitin. Why, it's jist a lord a waiting for whatever he can get to better himself. They all belong to what is called, noble families, and go to the palace to learn to be humble to their own helps at home. And you may be sure they are. For when a lord stands upon his two legs for hours behind the QUEEN-and carries PRINCE ALBERT'S fowling-piece when he goes a gunning-and holds his horse for him to get up and down agin-and brings him his that, and gloves, and stick, and all that-why, you may be sure that sich allord has all the starch taken out of him by the time he gets back to his own house. It's only nat 'ral.

Well, this Lord-in-waitin took us through one room and then through another and another-and if I wasn't reminded of them boxes, that go on holding a box inside a box, until there's no end on 'em,—I'm &

'possum, that's all.-At last, he said, "You'll stay here." I began to rile agin-but agin the Governor held up his ffinger.

By-am-by comes a whole cloud of Maids-of-honour. Oh, such walking nosegays of lilies and roses! I felt my heart bein' cut up like an apple-and a slice being served out all round.

Well, if I didn't think they 'd eat me!! Yes;; I'm a sea-sarpent, if I didn't think my time was come; for they all run time-with their arms out-like a flock of fowls at corn. "I'll kiss him," says one"No, me first," says another-"Don't you think it," said atthird"I'll kiss him, if I die for it," screeched a fourth; and so they pulled me from one to another-and kissed, and kissed, and kissed-you woud have thought there was a thousand cart-whips a smacking altogether.

I have been a good deal about the world; and have been kissed by the ladies in all quarters. It is therefore my intention to write you a geographical account of kissing; beginning with our own dear Yankee Doodle girls, and ending with the Britishers. But to do this-and while QUEEN VICTORIA is a waitin to receive me-I must take another sheet of paper.

JOHN BULL'S TWO DIFFICULTIES.

OH! my name it is JOHN BULL, with my waistcoat all so full,
And my pockets all so heavy with the rhino;
With my cattle and my crops, and my merchandise and shops,
I am better off than any man that I know.

Yes; I'm better off than any man that I know,
Much better off than any man that I know.;
Though I say it, that should not, such possessions I have got,
That I'm better off than any man that I know.

I have warehouses and docks, I have bridges, I have locks,
Quite unrivall'd in their plan and execution;
And I build the very best of private dwellings, 'tis confest,
But I cannot build a public institution.

No; I fail at a public institution,
Always stick at a public institution;
My invention is so dull, that I always make a mull,
When I build any public institution.

If with me you fain would try, Oh ye foreigners! to vie
At a tunnel or a steam-engine-have at you!

To construct a man-of-war I'm the best of hands, by far,
But hang me if I can make a statue !

No, drat it! I can't make a statue !
Confound it! I can't make a statue!!
Though I try with all my might, I can never do it right-
Botheration! I can't make a statue !

Clerical Disqualification Extraordinary. Ir is stated by a correspondent of the Times, that the BISHOP OF LONDON has refused to receive a clergyman into his diocese, on the ground of his being an Irish clergyman. The prejudice against poor Paddy seems to be increasing. Perhaps we shall have the bishop advertising for a curate, after the manner of a publican in want of a pot-boy, with the notification-" No Irish need apply."

MORE PLAGUE THAN PROPHET.

'THE Leeds Times informs us that DR. WOLFF insisted, in all his preachings in 1832, that the world would be at an end in fifteen years. If this prediction is true, next year will see us all out. We need not say that we hope this "cry of WOLFF," is as fallacious as its fabulous prototype.

THE "LIGHT OF ALL NATIONS."

THE little that was lately seen of the Sun has entirely disappeared within the last few days. An alarming rumour prevails that he has been totally "used up" by the Daguerreotypes.

A BAD PRECEDENT.

PERHAPS the only solid objection to the removal of the Statue of the DUKE OF WELLINGTON from the top of the arch, is the handle it affords to other statues to insist on being removed from their present unfavourable positions. We understand that NELSON has already begun to betray considerable uneasiness at the top of his column, and a strong movement may possibly be made by his friends to get the same justice dealt out to the Hero of the Nile which is about to be accorded to the Victor at Waterloo. It may be said that NELSON has been guilty of laches in not being down upon the public long ago, if he had really objected to the post-or pillar-assigned to him. It must, however, be remembered that poor NELSON has been literally tied by the leg, as any one will be able to ascertain, by the tremendous coil of rope that twines itself gracefully-or rather, disgracefully-round the calves of the naval conqueror. So disgusted has he been with the misery of his position, that had they allowed him sufficient rope there is not the smallest doubt in the world that he would long ago have hanged himself. There are several other statues whose cases call for commiseration, and we think equal justice ought to be dealt out to all, but particularly to that glorious tar who, in the nautical language of the Commander of the Buttercup, may be said "to have reached the very highest binnacle."

EFFECTS OF SERVING A LORD MAYOR.

WE have received the following extraordinary letter, which requires no comment, or which, if it did, would not get any from us at the pre

sent moment:

"Sir, I have to complain of the injury that has been done me by the excessive hospitality of the late LORD MAYOR JOHNSON. I entered his service quite a genteel figure, and indeed, having been employed by LORD MAYOR MAGNAY, had been reduced almost to the dimensions of a skeleton; I had since that got my self into what I call good condition, without any sacrifice of my figure, but a year in the service of LORD MAYOR JOHNSON has completely ruined my symmetry, laid waste my waist, and carved out mycalves for a regular Gur in the most distressing

THE REV. HUGH STOWELL UPON EGGS. THIS Reverend Gentleman seems to be a great authority upon eggs. Had he lived in the good old pillory times, and, like PRYNNE OF BASTWICK, worn the wooden ruff for his zeal, and, unlike them, been pelted by the mob, he could have scarcely had a more cultivated taste for eggs-for eggs of all kinds, whether of barn-door poultry, or the more exotic laying of cockatrice. We have seen the egg hornpipe performed by a young lady at a country fair; and pleasing it was to behold the grace with which the blindfolded damsel would wind in and out of the ovary circle, now essaying the rocking-step, and now the double-shuffle.

The egg hornpipe, as performed a few days since at Exeter Hall, by MR. STOWELL, for the benefit of the Protestant Association, was no less dexterous-the rocking-step and the double-shuffle alike complete.

"He would rather see that man in power who boldly said he would endow the Roman Catholics, than the man who, under the cover of Christianity, nursed in his bosom the cockatrice egg, which, when hatched, brought forth the Maynooth Grant."

Nursing a cockatrice egg under cover of Christianity, which brought forth the Maynooth Grant, in effect means this: to bring forth Roman Catholic poultry-nothing less than the cock of ST. PETER. But the Rev. orator has not done with the egg.

"It was the misfortune of the Protestants that their efforts had generally been too late; their proper time for exertion was when Parliament was in the egg."

That is, before it began to cackle. It would be well for MR. STOWELL were he, by the like cause, compelled to the like silence.

manner. The constant festivities at the Mansion House may have been sport to the guests, but it has been death to my pretensions to elegance of contour, which was always worth an additional four pounds to my wages. I want to know, Sir, whether I have any remedy for the injury that has been done to me in my profession. I forward two portraits, one representing me as I was before entering LORD JOHNSON'S service, and the other showing what he has reduced-or rather what he has enlarged-me to. As HAMLET says, "Look on this picture" -but not on this. Believe me, yours to the fullest extent, "JOHN ANKLEJACK."

"Bresson is Coming."

Ir is said that LADY LYTTLETON, the governess, uses these words to the royal children to quiet them when naughty; and with reason, for says Le Commerce:

"M. BRESSON has already signified to the Ministry that, in quitting Madrid, he would expect the embassy at London,"

and-it is understood by LORD BROUGHAM and others in the confidence of LOUIS-PHILIPPE will be the bearer of a love-letter (with portrait) of the COMTE DE PARIS to the little Princess Royal. New locks and bolts have been ordered by the QUEEN for the nursery.

MESSAGES CAREFULLY DELIVERED.

A BROUGHAM runs between Paris and London regularly every month, and carries parcels, and executes small commissions. Terms very low. Apply at the Tuilleries, back door.