shillins fell in showers. There was no keeping out the people of quality. One old baronite was flung down in the mob, and broke his leg; but he warn't to be discountenanced; for the very next day he come upon crutches."

"And set up his carriage upon a false mermaid?" ses I, quite bewondered.

"And more than that," ses BARNUM, "he sold her rael comb and SENTS BESTOWED AT THE PALACE. AN ARITHMETICAL AND glass fifty times over for a swinging sum-but all private, in course

"And they talk of a pure, inlightened press! I wonder if our own Mornin Airthquake would belittle itself by such doings! I have heerd I didn't know what to make of them; but I seed that something of printers' devils; and for sartin they must write such bamboozlin was wriggling in the mind of BARNUM; for he sot bitin the end of his with their pinted tails. "Tisn't at all clear grit, BARNUM"-ses I-pen, like a rabbit at a cabbage-stalk. At last-his face lightin' up like "to be left out for Dukes and Marquises and such critters. I could not ha' thought it of Gracious Majesty."

Gen'ral," ses he, "I guess your thoughts. Arter you were in bed last night, I thought much of that thimble. I know a little of arithmetic and morals, and they are linked tarnation close together. Well, I find that allowin one housemaid out of fifty that comes to see you gives you a silver thimble, and of course she will ""Why of course?" ses I.

"If Gracious Majesty gives a watch, in course the housemaid will "Why, he put 'em both together, and called 'em a mermaid. The give a thimble. It's example in high places that makes the true

that regular Bengal native, the lion, and there is not a more efficient lancer than the sting of one of those venomous reptiles from which the poor Mexicans have been obliged to protect themselves. RICHMOND, in his address to his army, seems to have anticipated what is now going on in Mexico, when he energetically exclaims,

In the course of this campaign, the chief difficulty has not been to inconveniently-every opportunity. No infantry is so formidable as oppose the troops, but to defend positions against those disagreeable enemies and expert tacticians, the wild beasts. It is bad enough to be obliged to hold out against the assaults of a file of soldiers, but it is terrible to be compelled to resist a furious cohort of alligators, each of whom has an entire file in his tongue, and a double column of teeth that would make the oldest soldier admit that, in spite of all his manoeuvreing, they saw through him. The bears form of themselves a squad of heavy buffs, that are celebrated for the ardour with which they not only hug themselves, in the confidence of success, but embrace-very

"Let us be tigers in our fierce department!" We confess that this style of coming to the scratch is about the most tremendous that can be adopted; and we wish our Mexican fellowcreatures well out of it.

PLAYING AT "MAJESTY."

REGENERATION OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.

A GERMAN company has been invited to come over next season, SABELLA is "woo'd, and married, and a'," and is, and it is expected they will perform at the Princess's, A Spanish de facto and de jure, Queen of Spain. But the banker is in treaty for the Adelphi for the performance of Spanish CONDE MONTEMOLIN must be king; and as dramas, and there is a loud talk of the Lyceum being taken by a real nobody will acknowledge him in his own Bohemian nobleman for the legitimate Bohemian Polka and Hungarian country or in France under that title, he comes to England, throws himself into the arms of tragedies. Sadler's Wells will, at the termination of the present the Morning Post, and is duly crowned in the season, administer to the elevated taste of the present day with a series of Poses Plastiques on the grandest scale fifty professors are editor's room, the compositors assisting. The engaged. Drury Lane will still maintain its character for ballet, as a ceremony of coronation must have been very, company of dancing Newfoundland dogs has been engaged, and will affecting, the king being anointed with printers' perform the Battle of Waterloo, got up with dances and processions. ink. The solemnity concluded-we have not The celebrated French poodle Bijou will perform the part of NAPOLEON, space to give all the minutia, the son of CARLOS and take real snuff. The Haymarket will be opened with a troop of becomes his Majesty at least to the Morning Cossacks, who will give their national melodies, and act some of their Post. "His Majesty" drives in the Park-finest comedies. The St. James's will still remain in the hands of the His Majesty" visits the exhibitions and "His Majesty." goes to the French company; so that, with the Italian Opera at Her Majesty's Haymarket Theatre, where (how very easy and convenient is play: Theatre, and another at Covent Garden, there is every hope that next house royalty!) "the orchestra," says the Post, "played the loyal year there will not be a single theatre in London where the English Basque air, a compliment the delicacy of which was felt and appreciated Drama, now almost obsolete, will be performed. An Englishman who by His Majesty, and by the noblemen and gentlemen of his suite." We think the king ought to have sent for the leader of the orchestra, and wishes to see a play of SHAKSPEARE'S will have to run over to Paris, upon the spot have created him a grandee of the first class; the title or else go out by the Great Western to New York.

would have been quite as valid-just as profitable, too-as that of the Haymarket King of Spain. "You shall be a duke," says the potentate of the old play to the ambitious simpleton, "you shall be a duke, only nobody must know it." And after this fashion has the Count been enthroned and anointed. He is a king-avers the Post-only nobody knows it.

INVITATIONS TO DINNER.

THE DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE, after visiting the Smithfield Cattle Show, sent round to the most important competitors the following circular, as a proof of the high estimation in which he held them :

"HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE presents his compliments to the Prize Ox, and will be happy to have his company at dinner any day next week, at the Freemasons' Tavern. A knife and fork will be laid for any of the Prize Ox's friends as may please to accompany him."

Invitations were likewise despatched to the Prize Pigs. PRINCE ALBERT'S, which won the prize, have been specially honoured by His Royal Highness with a card for a tête-à-tête dinner.

DIPLOMATIC WASTE PAPER.

WE have been favoured with a peep at the trousseau of the DUCHESS OF MONTPENSIER. It is a joint present from Austria, Russia, and Prussia, contained in a trunk lined with the Treaty of Vienna.

A Boon for Royalty.

As the gun-cotton explodes without any noise, we think HER MAJESTY might, instead of having her ears deafened, every time she appears in public, with endless salvos of artillery, be received with discharges of cannon loaded with the above silent material. If the "National Anthem," also, could be discharged in the same way, without its being heard, we are sure it would be a most pleasant relief to HER MAJESTY; but this is more than we can expect, as every little Mayor who runs out of his parish to present himself and mace to the QUEEN, is not likely to sing small on such an occasion, as his great object is to make as much noise as he can whilst he is about it.

AN OBLIGING OFFER.

(A Chemist's Shop.-Shopman and Old Lady.) Old Lady. Now you are sure this is Carbonate of Soda-not Arsenic ? Shopman. Quite certain, ma'am; try it.

A Cut for O'Connell.

A PORTRAIT of MR. O'CONNELL has been published at Dublin. It is dedicated "To the greenest spot in the world." The inseription underneath runs as follows:-"The only fulfilment of MR. O'CONNELL'S promise that unless Repeal was carried in a twelvemonth, he would put his head upon the block." We need not say that, for the sake of the joke, the engraving has been done upon wood.

tity of the Proctor with
the Policeman, would
perhaps have remained
unnoticed, had it not,
both as regards their

Bill. "WELL, I'M DEVILISH SICK OF A BACHELOR'S LIFE MYSELF, BUT I office, and manner of DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF THROWING MYSELF AWAY IN A HURRY."

TALES FOR THE MARINES.

TALE THE TENTH.

EXCUSE the question, Marines, but-how are you off for soap? Very poorly, you will say. Exactly so. Fresh water is scarce on board ship, and salt is incompatible with lather. Often, therefore, must you sigh for the comfort of a good bath: feelingly would you appreciate the blessing of one. So, were you to quit the service, and become members of the labouring classes on shore, you would be greatly delighted with the baths and washhouses which are everywhere provided for their use. You may have heard, perhaps, that these institutions have been more generally talked about than established :-be assured that this is a calumny on the affluent. Baths and washhouses for the labouring classes, in London especially, are much more plentiful than workhouses. They are now about to be erected in St. James's, Westminster, where they would have been built long ago, but for the population of that parish being mostly so wealthy as not to be supposed to want them. It has at length, however, been determined to introduce them, there, for the accommodation of the poor few. A motion to that effect was last week passed in the parochial vestry, not, (as was reported by the democratical Morning Post with a view to excite a prejudice against the aristocracy,) by one vote; but unanimously. The Post asserts that a MR. GASIN opposed the motion, and said, "He did not think that baths and washhouses were at all necessary, for the poor would not use them when built." Do you believe this? Do you suppose that MR. GASIN, (whom there is every reason to believe to be some benevolent old gentleman,) would make a remark so dirty? Oh no! But this by the bye.

discharging it, been strongly manifested the other day. It is the Policeman's duty to patrol the streets. The Proctor, also, has his beat. The policeman is prone to uncalled-for exertion of authority. Whether this tendency was exhibited by the Proctor at Cambridge in committing a female of questionable character, merely for appearing in the streets, to the Spinning House-let the reader judge. The Spinning House is damp miserable dungeon, and the poor wretch caught her death in it. And is this law? Aye, marry is it-College Law." With his beat, behaviour, and station, or Spinning House, is not the Proctor a

a

policeman all over? Not quite. To consummate the resemblance, he wants an oil-skin hat and cape. As he unites the clerical with the constabulary character, the uniform and buttons might be dispensed with, as also the regulation highlows and Berlins. It may be questioned whether the hat should not in form be that of a Master of Arts. The collar, for a two-fold reason, should be lettered; and further, to indicate the combination of the officer and scholar, we propose to substitute for the ordinary marking, the Greek letters and numerals, as A á, B B'.

The Baths and Washhouses are to be constructed forthwith, andthis is the point for your special attention-on a scale of extreme magnificence. The nobility and gentry of St. James's are determined that the buildings shall, in every respect, do credit to their rank and opulence. Accordingly, these baths and washhouses are to be designed by MR. BARRY, who, no doubt, will render them, architecturally, monuments of British art, as well as charity. Their interior arrangements are to be most commodious, each separate bath is to be composed of a marble, and plentifully supplied with warm or cold water at option. Nothing in the shape of soap will be thought of under brown Windsor, except in the washhouses, where there will be a sufficiency of yellow. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 6. York Place, Stoke Newington, and Frederick Muilett Evans, The towels will be none of your huckabuck, but the richest damask. Abundance of lavender water and other perfumes will be provided,

A MERRY ANDREW.-SIR ANDREW AGNEW being asked what was "moral engine?" replied " A railway engine which does not run on the Sunday."

of No. 7, Church Row, Stoke Newington, both in the County of Middless, Printers, at their Ofice, in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriare, in the City of London, and published by them, at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride's, in the City of London.-SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19, 1846.

THE SNOBS OF ENGLAND.

BY ONE OF THEMSELVES.

CHAPTER XLIII-SNOBS AND MARRIAGE.

when the good old lady was always paying his debts and petting him, I'm not sure there was not a little jealousy. It used to be POLLY that kept the peace between us.

"She went to Dublin to visit PUMP, and brought back grand accounts of his doings-gayest man about the town -Aide-de-Camp to the Lord Lieutenant-FANNY admired everywhere-Her Excellency godmother to the second boy. The eldest with a string of aristocratic Christian names FANNY and PUMP obligingly came over to London, where that made the grandmother wild with delight. Presently the third was born.

E BACHELORS in Clubs are very
much obliged to you," says
my old school and college
companion, ESSEX TEMPLE,
"POLLY was godmother to this, and who so loving as
"for the opinion which you
she and PUMP now? O ESSEX!' says she to me, he is
hold of us. You call us selfsh, so good, so generous, so fond of his family; so handsome;
purple-faced, bloated, and who can help loving him, and pardoning his little errors?'
other pretty names.
You One day, while MRS. PUMP was yet in the upper regions,
state, in the simplest possible and DOCTOR FINGERFEE's brougham at her door every day,
terms, that we shall go to the having business at Guildhall, whom should I meet in
deuce. You bid us rot in Cheapside but PUMP and POLLY? The poor girl looked
loneliness, and deny us all more happy and rosy than I have seen her these twelve
claims to honesty, conduct, years. PUMP, on the contrary, was rather blushing and
decent Christian life. Who embarrassed.
are you, MR. SNOB, to judge
us so? Who are you, with
your infernal benevolent
smirk and grin, that laugh at
all our generation?

"I couldn't be mistaken in her face and its look of mischief and triumph. She had been committing some act of sacrifice. I went to the family stockbroker. She had sold out two thousand pounds that morning and given them to PUMP. Quarrelling was useless-PUMP had the money; "he was off to Dublin by the time I reached his mother's, and POLLY radiant still. He was going to make his fortune; he was going to embark the money in the Bog of Allen-I don't know what. The fact is, he was going to pay his losses upon the last Manchester steeple-chase, and I leave you to imagine how much principal or interest poor POLLY ever saw back again.

"I will tell you my case,' says ESSEX TEMPLE; "mine and my sister POLLY'S, and you may make what you like of it; and sneer at old maids, and bully old bachelors, if you will.

"I will whisper to you con"It was more than half her fortune, and he has had another fidentially that my sister thousand since from her. Then came efforts to stave off POLLY was engaged to SER- ruin and prevent exposure; struggles on all our parts, and GEANT SHIRKER-a fellow sacrifices, that (here Mr. ESSEX TEMPLE began to hesitate) whose talents one cannot that needn't be talked of; but they were of no more use than deny, and be hanged to them, such sacrifices ever are. PUMP and his wife are abroadbut whom I have always I don't like to ask where; POLLY has the three children, known to be mean, selfish, and Mr. SERGEANT SHIRKER has formally written to break and a prig. However, women off an engagement, on the conclusion of which Miss TEMPLE don't see these faults in the must herself have speculated, when she alienated the greater men whom Love throws in part of her fortune.' their way. SHIRKER, who has about as much warmth as an eel, made up to POLLY years and years ago, and was no bad match for a briefless barrister, as he was then.

"Have you ever read LORD ELDON's life? Do you remember how the sordid old SNOB narrates his going out to purchase twopence-worth of aprats, which he and MRS. SCOTT fried between them? And how he parades his humility, and exhibits his miserable poverty-he who at that time must have been making a thousand pounds a year! Well, SHIRKER was just as proud of his prudence-just as thankful for his own meanness, and of course would not marry without a competency. Who so honourable? POLLY waited, and waited faintly, from year to year. He wasn't sick at heart; his passion never disturbed his six hours' sleep, or kept his ambition out of mind. He would rather have hugged an attorney any day than have kissed POLLY, though she was one of the prettiest creatures in the world; and while she was pining alone up-stairs, reading over the stock of half-a-dozen frigid letters that the confounded prig had condescended to write to her; he, be sure, was never busy with anything but his briefs in chambers-always frigid, rigid, self-satisfied, and at his duty. The marriage trailed on year after year, while MR. SERGEANT SHIRKER grew to be the famous lawyer he is.

"Meanwhile, my younger brother, PUMP TEMPLE, who was in the 120th Hussars, and had the same little patrimony which fell to the lot of myself and POLLY, must fall in love with our cousin, FANNY FIGTREE, and marry her out of hand. You should have seen the wedding! Six bridesmaids in pink, to hold the fan, bouquet, gloves, scent-bottle, and pocket-handkerchief of the bride; basketsful of white favours in the vestry, to be pinned on to the footmen and horses; a genteel congregation of curious acquaintance in the pews, a shabby one of poor on the steps; all the carriages cf all our acquaintance, whom AUNT FIGTREE had levied for the occasion; and of course four horses for MR. PUMP's bridal vehicle. "Then comes the breakfast or déjeuner, if you please, with a brass band in the street, and policemen to keep order. The happy bridegroom spends about a year's income in dresses for the bridesmaids and pretty presents; and the bride must have a trousseau of laces, satins, jewel-boxes and tom-foolery, to make her fit to be a lieutenant's wife. There was no hesitation about PUMP. He flung about his money as if it had been dross; and MRS. P. TEMPLE on the horse Tom Tiddler, which her husband gave her, was the most dashing of military women at Brighton or Dublin. How old MRS. FIGTREE used to bore me and POLLY with stories of PUMP's grandeur and the noble company he kept! POLLY lives with the FIGTREES, as I am not rich enough to keep a home for her.

"PUMP and I have always been rather distant. Not having the slightest notions about horseflesh, he has a natural contempt for me; and in our mother's lifetime,

"And here's your famous theory of poor marriages," ESSEX TEMPLE cries, concluding the above history. "How do you know that I don't want to marry myself? How do you dare sneer at my poor sister? What are we but martyrs of the reckless marriage system which MR. SNOB, forsooth, chooses to advocate ?" And he thought he had the better of the argument, which, strange to say, is not my opinion.

But for the infernal Snob worship, might not every one of these people be happy? If poor POLLY's happiness lay in linking her tender arms round such a heartless prig as the sneak who has deceived her, she might have been happy now-as happy as RAYMOND RAYMOND in the ballad, with the stone statue by his side. She is wretched because MR. SERGEANT SHIRKER worships money and ambition, and is a Snob and a coward.

If the unfortunate PUMP TEMPLE and his giddy hussy of a wife have ruined themselves, and dragged down others into their calamity, it is because they loved rank, and horses, and plate, and carriages, and Court Guides, and millinery, and would sacrifice all to attain those objects.

And who misguides them? If the world were more simple, would not those foolish people follow the fashion? Does not the world love Court Guides, and millinery, and plate, and carriages? Mercy on us! Read the fashionable intelligence; read the Court Circular; read the genteel novels; survey mankind, from Pimlico to Red Lion Square, and see how the Poor Snob is aping the Rich Snob; how the Mean Snob is grovelling at the feet of the Proud Snob; and the Great Snob is lording it over his humble brother. Does the idea of equality ever enter DIVES' head? Will it ever? Will the DUCHESS OF FITZBATTLEAXE (I like a good name) ever believe that LADY CREESUS, her next door neighbour in Belgrave Square, is as good a lady as her Grace? Will LADY CROESUS ever leave off pining for the Duchess's parties, and cease patronising MRS. BROADCLOTH, whose husband has not got his Baronetcy yet? Will MRS. BROADCLOTH ever heartily shake hands with MRS. SEEDY, and give up those odious calculations about poor dear MRS. SEEDY'S income? Will MRS. SEEDY, who is starving in her