Page images
[ocr errors]



(A New Version, Dedicated to a popular Secretary of State.) ARNOLD, MATTHEW. By A PHILISTINE. Born 1822. His father, Though Derby adores thee, they sneer at thy name, who was a very intelligent man, kept a school at Rugby. MATTHEW

And the faults of thy wavering mind, was accordingly, educated in the belief that the whole universe is governed on strictly Rugbæian principles. Whilst in this singular

Oh! say wilt thou weep when they hold thee to blame,

For a row that for thee was resign'd. state of mind, wrote a good deal of very remarkable poetry, which did

Yes, weep! and however the mob may condemn, not receive so much attention as it deserved. Has since revenged him

Thy tears may efface their decree, self by writing a series of letters to the Pall Mall Gazette, which did

For Tories must own though obnoxious to them, not deserve so much attention as they received. At an unknown

They have been but too faithful to thee! period, “got geist.”. The doctrine of “geist," being interpreted, simply means that it is better to be a sensible man than a fool. Many With thee was the fault of the earlier fuss, people may imagine that this profound truth was known before Mr.

When the roughs came to brickbats and blows,
MATTHEW ArxOLD was weaned. Those who think so, however, are For mere common sense we have pray'd thee, and thus
Philistines. Mr. Arnold is a devoted believer in Centralisation, the

Thy name is connected with those.
Head Centre of all being MR. ARNOLD. Does not care much about Though blest are the young politicians who live
England. Happily, the indifference is reciprocal. Is understood to be

The days of thy power to see,
at present engaged on a new plan for teaching the grandmothers of What a far greater blessing if DERBY would give,
Great Britain how to suck eggs in a competitive examination. Is fond

A sinecure, Walpole, to thee! of talking about a certain “ Arminius." “ Arminius" is understood to be simply the cousin-german of Mxs. Gamp's Mrs. Harris.

CORRESPONDENCE. BABBAGE, CHARLES. By Charles Babbage. Born 1790. Deduct 1790 from 1867. Result, 77. Divide 77 by a score. Result: 3, and 17 Dear Sir,-Months have elapsed since I have ventured to trouble over. Q. E. D. Application : CHARLES Babbage is threescore years, you with the solution of questions which have arisen to barass my and ten, and seven. Would have been much older by this time had hé feeble frame with torturing anxiety. I had determined in my own not been perpetually annoyed by street organs.

mind to vex you no more with my importunities, but to leave the soluCARLYLE, THOMAS. By Diogenes TerrelsDROCKH. Neither was it tion of all vital doubts which were beyond my immediate comprehenfor nothing, I tell thee, that in this same year (1795 of the Christian sion, to the operations of Time. But I over-calculated my powers Era, French Revolution just getting itself strapped down after mere of enduring suspense. I must have a reply to the following all-importunt delirium fits of " Terror" and the like, by an olive-complexioned lieu- questions:tenant of artillery, with results ever widening and deepening!) there 1. Why are Horse Guards officials like magpies ? was born at Ecclefechan yonder, amid the granite rocks and broad

2. Why was it a good thing for Milton that he was blind ? heathy wildernesses of Dumfries, another of the Children of Men, and 3. When are horses guilty of an act of superogation ? christened THOMAS. Of Ecclefechan, I can else nowhere find human Solve these, and accept the heartfelt thanks of mention made; it, and what came out of it, through whole long

A TREMBLING Widow. generations of humble assiduous striving and pious Presbyterian effort, clean gone from human memory, save only for this one happy “acci- 1. Because they take their stand on purchase (that is to say, dent (as the Fool calls it!) of having produced little Thomas.

perches). Little THOMAS, as I take it, looked out in due course on the granite rocks,

2. Decause it enabled him to feel loss of eyes. the broad heathy wildernesses, not unobservant, with a child's wonder 3. When they caracole to Newcastle. in the little heart of him. Very beautiful to consider! Ach Himmel,

Be happy. Ed. from Ecclefechan to Chelsea, what a road to travel had this plump, rosy, little recruit to the army of humanity, as yet mewling and puk

Errors Excepted. ing in the nurse's arms, kicking up the little heels of him at the Im. mensities—what a road! Philosophic history, asking when little of the performance "every evening this week," of the comedy-drama

Two very comic misprints! The first occurs in the announcement Thomas was breeched, has to content itself with mere vague conjectural (whatever that means) at Drury Lane, for the benefit of the Goldhypothesis-cannot reach firm ground, you would say, but flounders in mud-abysses, and quagmires of uncertainty fatal often, as quaking smiths and Jewellers’ Institution.” We are informed that "Tickers bog in the heathy wildernesses themselves to horse and 'rider. Con only benefit.” As it is not for the benefit of the watchmakers, I jecturally, one places it a little before the battle of Austerlitz-battle suppose the word should be “ tickets.". The second funny error occurs grown very dim by this time, and growing dimmer, as I do perceive! in a report, in the Dublin Freeman, of the burning of a school in LancaNo cannon salvoes, blare of triumphant trumpets, or universal hip-hip- shire. We are therein told thathooray, with three times three, saluted, as I take it, the putting of "Richard Burton, a young man in the Lancashire constabulary, ran to the place, little Thomas into breeches :-yet that, you will find, was precisely


and having obtained access to the schoolroom, at once kicked out three of the windores.

IIe proceded to throw out the children to the people who were assemblent below, and most important transaction of the year, fertile to this day, now that the by that means succeeded in saving several, when he was stopped by the flames, and Austerlitz hurly-burly has got itself stilled a little! Precisely the had to jump out to save his own lisc, most important transaction, I say, and with quite infinite results. Not Of course, windows, not relicts, are meant; but the throwing out of the any longer, then, is the little Tuomas a mere lump of pink flesh, much children follows oddly on the kicking out of the widow's. be-swaddled and be-swathed, the young limbs of him buried in mero multitudinous wrappages and infiniteconfusion of long clothes :-Not so ! Quite otherwise than so, oh BoBus, my long-eared, addle-pated friend !

Interesting For Thomas—“wee Tammig" in the nurse-wife's authentic Doric

We understand that some valuable additions have been recently is now brought acquainted with tailors, their ways and works; from made to the museum of the Numismatical Society. The following are which acquaintance shall there not spring sartorial philosophies, amongst the number of those latest received :--The identical twopence histories, biographies, a whole wonder-land of book-work-also with for want of which the donkey fuiled to ascend; the brass farthing by results? He meanwhile, unconscious of such high destinies, rejoices tossing which into the air a negative value is estimated; a stray mainly in breeches pocket as a secret treasure-hold, wherein marbles, shilling liberated from the pound in which it had been placed by a alleys, commoneys, I know not what-can with security be stored. An fraudulent bankrupt; the shilling (much worn at the edge) with which ingenious, vivacious, not un vocal little Tnomas!

irascible old men cut off their own heirs; a pound (in good preserva

tion) that has taken care of itself; and the well-authenticated halfGoing with the Times.

farthing for which somebody would have punched another party's

head. As a compliment to the leading journal for the skill it has shown in adapting its politics to the popular feeling of the hour, it is suggested

A Clipper. that in future it should be known as " The Winding Sheet."

A CHICAGO paper says that massacres and scalpings by the Indians

have become so common, that an officer stationed in the Indian Worth Knowing.

country writing to a friend says, he would send a lock of his hair but Ax enterprising hotel proprietor advertises in the Daily Telegraph fears it would be a fraud on the savages, as he expects one of them to " Where to dine at any time," &c.

be his barber shortly. Of course, this is the mere excuse of a brave If generally known, this must prove a great boon to many, at a time man, who would send the hair if it were not that he might be accused when-their pockets are empty.

of cutting it in the face of danger.

[ocr errors]



No Difficulty.

We should fancy the nine tailors who put the following advertiseIf sadly sitting by the nightly taper, And thinking how to make my name illustrious—

ment into a Liverpool paper, the other day, have long since found out

the man they want. If not, we should recommend them to apply to If dawdling with my pen and ink and paper Be industry—why, hang it, I'm industrious.

some of our great Railway Financiers at present thrown out of

employ :If Memory be a pleasant well to drink of,

WANTED, for a clothing Establishment, a Manager Competent to Cut and Keep And Hope a draught unmingled with anxiety

the Books. References and security required. Apply at, etc. If present things be not the things to think of

We should imagine there was no difficulty in finding some one who, I'm fit for spinning verses of society.

after having enjoyed a place of trust as manager, would cut away with

the books and keep them. But, perhaps, honesty is in the ascendant If brooding over selfish sorrow only,

just now.
At midnight, with a head that's aching frightfully-
If trying to be gay when sick and lonely

Rash Act.
Be pleasing-I shall get along delightfully.

The misguided youth who, through the medium of Mr. Sims REEVES, If, weary of to-night, I fear to-morrow

has so often told his “ PHBE dearest" that if she loves him and will Its printer's devils and its duns vociferous

have him, true be'll be through weal and woe;" but if with disdain I take, at least, some pleasure in my sorrow,

you treat me, for a soldier I will go, oh! oh! oh!" bas at length And only keep awake to feel somniferous.

carried his fell intent into execution. He has enlisted in the Scots

The Mad Months.
Hares afflicted with insanity are frequently met with in March. A

A Slip-Slop Note. mild form of imbecility attacks mankind in May, and consequently, in

As the chief cause of the London Tailors' strike appears to be the the neighbourhood of Exeter Hall, especially, May-niacs are rather log,” we beg to offer the men a bit of friendly advice, and call their common just now.

attention to a memorable occasion on record when, as now, a “ Logo

was objected to. What was the result may be learned from any Jocularity Avoided.

schoolboy acquainted with Æsop's Fables. It is pleasant to find LORD STANLEY making 80 sympathetic a response to Sir Francis GOLDSMID's appeal on behalf of the persecuted Jews of Servia. There are Christians capable of answering the com- We are requested to state that the pictorial embellishments on the plaints of the victims by saying, “Serve-yer right.”

title page of the song “ Champagne Charlie” are not by Priz.

[ocr errors]








Time was (not many weeks since), when

* pounds a week were a matter of moment to

him. It was worth his while to work hard
for that sum, for it went far towards defraying

his weekly breakfast bills. But that squalid

FOR your patient attention. The
much C. P. has taken your measure, and the course of these papers, he found occasion

era has passed away from him, for ever. In
won't trouble you again."

These ironical words are ad- to make several appeals to a class of beings to dressed by the Philosopher to those vain. He alludes to the Maidens of England,

whom a reasonable appeal is never made in ladies and gentlemen who have un

To those appeals, the Maidens of England consciously favoured him with responded like one man. It cut the Philosopher sittings during the last four to the heart to reflect that he could only dismonths. The Č. P. won't trouble tinguish one of them at a time. Polygamy is; them again, and he sincerely hopes at present, out of favour in England, and that they won't trouble him—but while this unfortunate state of things exists, that, he fears, is hoping against they will have to await their turn. He selected hope. For weeks the Philosopher's the loveliest and the wealthiest, and married domestic privacy has been invaded her half-an-hour ago. No cards. As soon as by visits from indignant subjects he is a widower, he will marry the next whom he has ventured to embalm loveliest and the next wealthiest—and so on in these pages. He has received, on a weekly average, six furious through the list. He has found it impossible fellows who won't be trifled with, he begs that in cases where no answer has been received, silence

to reply individually to all applications, and four determined characters who will be considered a respectful negative.

don't intend to stand this sort of thing, five demonstrative souls who propose to show him what is what; Bokhara, for his honeymoon. When he returns he will be happy if

He is now about to start, via Folkestone and Nijni Novgorod, for two mild gentlemen who think it is really too bad, and a hundred and the Editor and contributors will call upon him now and then. A chop twenty-seven practical fellow-creatures who don't want to bring the and a knife and fork, in the servant's hall, will always be at their Philosopher before a public tribunal, if a fair compromise can be disposal. Now he's off. arrived at. Besides those of whom he has actually treated, he occasionally receives visits from people who think it likely that their turn will shortly come. It is customary with these folk to get the C. P. into a corner, and there to bind him over with fearful threats, and in fancy sums, never to allude to them, directly or indirectly, in any periodical for which he

NOW AND THEN. may happen to write. It will be seen that if

Now and then, not very often, this sort of thing goes on

We have sun in May and June, much longer (and the

Now and then our feelings soften nuisance increasing

To a man who sings in tune. daily), the C. P.'s sphere

Now and then, one's friends won't tarry, of action will eventually

Smoke and keep us up all night; become SO narrowed as

Now and then some people marry hardly to leave him any

And seem disinclined to fight. elbow-room at all. He took every means in his power to abate the

Now and then the man we've trusted inconvenience to which he was subjected. He first referred the matter to SIR WILLIAM BOVILL and Sir Hugh Cairns, who were particularly

Doesn't turn out quite a rogue; requested to say whether there was any legal authority in the C. P.

Now and then our rooms get dusted,

And we tolerate a brogue. to disperse by force any person who should visit his private residence with the view of inducing the Philosopher to refrain from publishing

Now and then an English lady, his portrait in this journal.

For a whim, or pique, or "fad,” Their answer was that there was no such authority for any practical

Changes grace for manners shady

In the household of a cad. purpose. They stated that when persons have once obtained peaceable

Now and then relations find us entrance into his house they can only be ejected after notice served on,

Come to stay a week in town; or brought home to each individually. Publication, they say, is not

When we leave our gamps behind us, enough, and an express warning must be shown. The c. P. must

Now and then the rain comes down. turn them out in the molliter manus imposuit fashion. The C. P.

Now and then, by dint of struggling, cannot go up to a trespasser and threaten to knock him down if he

Flirts, like fish, get off the hooks, does not go out; and no deadly weapons can be employed. In no

Now and then, instead of smuggling, case may he legally clear his house by a charge—he can simply hand

Friends return our precious books. them out, man after man. The C. P., acting upon this advice, handed them all out, man after

Now and then we reach the station man, but still they came. So he took the final step of issuing a

In good time and full of breath, proclamation, keeping dark the advice that he had received from the

Disappointments and vexation eminent legal authorities above-mentioned. The proclamation

Seem to dog us to our death. assumed that every necessary power of massacre was vested in him,

I am not prepared to state now and that he should put that power into operation if necessary. But

How it is with other men, notwithstanding this, they still came. So the C. P. was obliged to

I can only bow to fate, nowadmit that the proclamation was only a dodge of his—a threat that he

Happy? Yes—but now and then!
Jared not carry out. He feels that by adopting this cowardly course
I he has covered himself with confusion, and deeply compromised the
admirable journal to which he is attached. He will probably be

F gn Affairs. “struck off the list of its contributories, but he don't care. He is What the French may naturally expect from L.N. (Hélène), after utterly indifferent. Why is he indifferent ? Listen.

the Exhibition of Paris-a Ten Years' War.






[ocr errors]
« PreviousContinue »