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OUR BIOGRAPHICAL DICTIONARY.

BY MOST OF OUR EMINENT AUTHORS.

ARNOLD, MATTHEW. By A PHILISTINE. Born 1822. His father, who was a very intelligent man, kept a school at Rugby. MATTHEW was accordingly educated in the belief that the whole universe is governed on strictly Rugbæian principles. Whilst in this singular state of mind, wrote a good deal of very remarkable poetry, which did not receive so much attention as it deserved. Has since revenged himself by writing a series of letters to the Pall Mall Gazette, which did not deserve so much attention as they received. At an unknown period, "got geist." The doctrine of "geist," being interpreted, simply means that it is better to be a sensible man than a fool. Many people may imagine that this profound truth was known before MR. MATTHEW ARNOLD was weaned. Those who think so, however, are Philistines. Mr. ARNOLD is a devoted believer in Centralisation, the Head Centre of all being MR. ARNOLD. Does not care much about England. Happily, the indifference is reciprocal. Is understood to be at present engaged on a new plan for teaching the grandmothers of Great Britain how to suck eggs in a competitive examination. Is fond of talking about a certain "Arminius." "Arminius" is understood to be simply the cousin-german of MRS. GAMP'S MRS. HARRIS.

BABBAGE, CHARLES. BY CHARLES BABBAGE. Born 1790. Deduct 1790 from 1867. Result, 77. Divide 77 by a score. Result: 3, and 17 over. Q. E. D. Application: CHARLES BABBAGE is threescore years, and ten, and seven. Would have been much older by this time had he not been perpetually annoyed by street organs.

PRO PATRIA MORI.

(A New Version, Dedicated to a popular Secretary of State.)
THOUGH DERBY adores thee, they sneer at thy name,
And the faults of thy wavering mind,

Oh! say wilt thou weep when they hold thee to blame,
For a row that for thee was resign'd.
Yes, weep! and however the mob may condemn,
Thy tears may efface their decree,

For Tories must own though obnoxious to them,
They have been but too faithful to thee!

With thee was the fault of the earlier fuss,

When the roughs came to brickbats and blows,
For mere common sense we have pray'd thee, and thus
Thy name is connected with those.

Though blest are the young politicians who live
The days of thy power to see,

What a far greater blessing if DERBY would give,
A sinecure, WALPOLE, to thee!

CORRESPONDENCE.

DEAR SIR,-Months have elapsed since I have ventured to trouble you with the solution of questions which have arisen to harass my feeble frame with torturing anxiety. I had determined in my own mind to vex you no more with my importunities, but to leave the solution of all vital doubts which were beyond my immediate comprehenBut I over-calculated my powers of enduring suspense. I must have a reply to the following all-important questions:

Solve

1. Why are Horse Guards officials like magpies ?

2. Why was it a good thing for MILTON that he was blind?
3. When are horses guilty of an act of superogation?
these, and accept the heartfelt thanks of

A TREMBLING WIDOW.

1. Because they take their stand on purchase (that is to say, perches).

2. Because it enabled him to feel loss of eyes.

3. When they caracole to Newcastle.

Errors Excepted.

Be happy. ED.

Two very comic misprints! The first occurs in the announcement of the performance "every evening this week," of the comedy-drama (whatever that means) at Drury Lane, for the benefit of the "Goldsmiths and Jewellers' Institution." We are informed that "Tickers As it is not for the benefit of the watchmakers, I only benefit." suppose the word should be "tickets." The second funny error occurs in a report, in the Dublin Freeman, of the burning of a school in Lancashire. We are therein told that

CARLYLE, THOMAS. By DIOGENES TEUFELSDROCKH. Neither was it for nothing, I tell thee, that in this same year (1795 of the Christiansion, to the operations of Time. Era, French Revolution just getting itself strapped down after mere delirium fits of "Terror" and the like, by an olive-complexioned lieutenant of artillery, with results ever widening and deepening!) there was born at Ecclefechan yonder, amid the granite rocks and broad heathy wildernesses of Dumfries, another of the Children of Men, and christened THOMAS. Of Ecclefechan, I can else nowhere find human mention made; it, and what came out of it, through whole long generations of humble assiduous striving and pious Presbyterian effort, clean gone from human memory, save only for this one happy "accident (as the Fool calls it!) of having produced little THOMAS. Little THOMAS, as I take it, looked out in due course on the granite rocks, the broad heathy wildernesses, not unobservant, with a child's wonder in the little heart of him. Very beautiful to consider! Ach Himmel, from Ecclefechan to Chelsea, what a road to travel had this plump, rosy, little recruit to the army of humanity, as yet mewling and puking in the nurse's arms, kicking up the little heels of him at the Immensities-what a road! Philosophic history, asking when little THOMAS was breeched, has to content itself with mere vague conjectural hypothesis-cannot reach firm ground, you would say, but flounders in mud-abysses and quagmires of uncertainty fatal often, as quaking bog in the heathy wildernesses themselves to horse and rider. Conjecturally, one places it a little before the battle of Austerlitz-battle grown very dim by this time, and growing dimmer, as I do perceive! No cannon salvoes, blare of triumphant trumpets, or universal hip-hiphooray, with three times three, saluted, as I take it, the putting of little THOMAS into breeches :-yet that, you will find, was precisely the most important transaction of the year, fertile to this day, now that the Austerlitz hurly-burly has got itself stilled a little! Precisely the most important transaction, I say, and with quite infinite results. Not any longer, then, is the little THOMAS a mere lump of pink flesh, much be-swaddled and be-swathed, the young limbs of him buried in mere multitudinous wrappages and infinite confusion of long clothes:-Not so! Quite otherwise than so, oh BOBUS, my long-eared, addle-pated friend! For THOMAS-"wee TAMMIE" in the nurse-wife's authentic Doricis now brought acquainted with tailors, their ways and works; from which acquaintance shall there not spring sartorial philosophies, histories, biographies, a whole wonder-land of book-work-also with results? He meanwhile, unconscious of such high destinies, rejoices mainly in breeches pocket as a secret treasure-hold, wherein marbles, alleys, commoneys, I know not what-can with security be stored. An ingenious, vivacious, not unvocal little THOMAS !

Going with the Times.

As a compliment to the leading journal for the skill it has shown in adapting its politics to the popular feeling of the hour, it is suggested that in future it should be known as "The Winding Sheet."

Worth Knowing.

AN enterprising hotel proprietor advertises in the Daily Telegraph "Where to dine at any time," &c.

If generally known, this must prove a great boon to many, at a time when-their pockets are empty.

"Richard Burton, a young man in the Lancashire constabulary, ran to the place, and having obtained access to the schoolroom, at once kicked out three of the widows. He proceeded to throw out the children to the people who were assembled below, and

by that means succeeded in saving several, when he was stopped by the flames, and

had to jump out to save his own life.

Of course, windows, not relicts, are meant ; but the throwing out of the children follows oddly on the kicking out of the widows.

Interesting.

We understand that some valuable additions have been recently made to the museum of the Numismatical Society. The following are amongst the number of those latest received:-The identical twopence for want of which the donkey failed to ascend; the brass farthing by tossing which into the air a negative value is estimated; a stray shilling liberated from the pound in which it had been placed by a fraudulent bankrupt; the shilling (much worn at the edge) with which irascible old men cut off their own heirs; a pound (in good preservation) that has taken care of itself; and the well-authenticated halffarthing for which somebody would have punched another party's head.

A Clipper.

A CHICAGO paper says that massacres and scalpings by the Indians have become so common, that an officer stationed in the Indian country writing to a friend says, he would send a lock of his hair but fears it would be a fraud on the savages, as he expects one of them to be his barber shortly. Of course, this is the mere excuse of a brave man, who would send the hair if it were not that he might be accused of cutting it in the face of danger.

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1st Hossy party :-"WELL! HE'S ABOUT THE QUEEREST ARTICLE EVER I SEE! WHERE DID YE PICK 'IM UP ?" 2nd ditto:-"UP PADD'NGTON WAY. COVE SAID HE HAD 'EM SPUN BY THE MILE, AND THEN CUT 'EM UP INTO LENGTHS!" 1st ditto :-" ANYHOW! WELL, HE GIV' Y' GOOD MEASURE!"

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MIDNIGHT MUSINGS.

Ir sadly sitting by the nightly taper,

And thinking how to make my name illustrious-
If dawdling with my pen and ink and paper
Be industry-why, hang it, I'm industrious.

If Memory be a pleasant well to drink of,
And Hope a draught unmingled with anxiety-
If present things be not the things to think of-
I'm fit for spinning verses of society.

If brooding over selfish sorrow only,

At midnight, with a head that's aching frightfullyIf trying to be gay when sick and lonely

Be pleasing-I shall get along delightfully.

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No Difficulty.

We should fancy the nine tailors who put the following advertisement into a Liverpool paper, the other day, have long since found out the man they want. If not, we should recommend them to apply to some of our great Railway Financiers at present thrown out of employ :

WANTED, for a Clothing Establishment, a Manager Competent to Cut and Keep the Books. References and security required.-Apply at, etc.

We should imagine there was no difficulty in finding some one who, after having enjoyed a place of trust as manager, would cut away with the books and keep them. But, perhaps, honesty is in the ascendant just now.

Rash Act.

THE misguided youth who, through the medium of MR. SIMS REEVES, has so often told his "PHOEBE dearest" that if she loves him and will have him, true he'll be through weal and woe; "but if with disdain you treat me, for a soldier I will go, oh! oh! oh!" has at length carried his fell intent into execution. He has enlisted-in the Scots Few-Silliers.

A Slip-Slop Note.

As the chief cause of the London Tailors' strike appears to be "the log," we beg to offer the men a bit of friendly advice, and call their attention to a memorable occasion on record when, as now, a "Log" was objected to. What was the result may be learned from any schoolboy acquainted with Esor's Fables.

ART NOTE.

WE are requested to state that the pictorial embellishments on the title page of the song "Champagne Charlie" are not by PHIZ.

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A HARMLESS INSTRUMENT.

Constable Bull:-" HERE, I SAY! WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY TRYING TO INTIMIDATE PEOPLE WITH THAT, EH?"

Master Wlple:-"OH, SIR-PLEASE, IT AIN'T LOADED!"

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FOR your patient attention. C. P. has taken your measure, and won't trouble you again." These ironical words are addressed by the Philosopher to those ladies and gentlemen who have unconsciously favoured him with sittings during the last four months. The C. P. won't trouble them again, and he sincerely hopes that they won't trouble him-but that, he fears, is hoping against hope. For weeks the Philosopher's domestic privacy has been invaded by visits from indignant subjects whom he has ventured to embalm in these pages. He has received, on a weekly average, six furious fellows who won't be trifled with, four determined characters who don't intend to stand this sort of

Time was (not many weeks since), when 2 pounds a week were a matter of moment to him. It was worth his while to work hard for that sum, for it went far towards defraying his weekly breakfast bills. But that squalid the course of these papers, he found occasion era has passed away from him, for ever. In whom a reasonable appeal is never made in to make several appeals to a class of beings to vain. He alludes to the Maidens of England. To those appeals, the Maidens of England to the heart to reflect that he could only disresponded like one man. It cut the Philosopher tinguish one of them at a time. Polygamy is, at present, out of favour in England, and while this unfortunate state of things exists, they will have to await their turn. He selected the loveliest and the wealthiest, and married her half-an-hour ago. No cards. As soon as he is a widower, he will marry the next loveliest and the next wealthiest and so on through the list. He has found it impossible to reply individually to all applications, and he begs that in cases where no answer has been received, silence will be considered a respectful negative.

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thing, five demonstrative souls who propose to show him what is what, two mild gentlemen who think it is really too bad, and a hundred and twenty-seven practical fellow-creatures who don't want to bring the Philosopher before a public tribunal, if a fair compromise can be arrived at. Besides those of whom he has actually treated, he occasionally receives visits from people who think it likely that their turn will shortly come. It is customary with these folk to get the C. P. into a corner, and there to bind him over with fearful threats, and in fancy sums, never to allude to them, directly or indirectly, in any periodical for which he may happen to write.

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It will be seen that if this sort of thing goes on much longer (and the nuisance is increasing daily), the C. P.'s sphere of action will eventually become so narrowed as hardly to leave him any

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elbow-room at all. He took every means in his power to abate the inconvenience to which he was subjected. He first referred the matter to SIR WILLIAM BOVILL and SIR HUGH CAIRNS, who were particularly requested to say whether there was any legal authority in the C. P. to disperse by force any person who should visit his private residence with the view of inducing the Philosopher to refrain from publishing his portrait in this journal.

Their answer was that there was no such authority for any practical purpose.

Bokhara, for his honeymoon. When he returns he will be happy if He is now about to start, via Folkestone and Nijni Novgorod, for the Editor and contributors will call upon him now and then. A chop and a knife and fork, in the servant's hall, will always be at their disposal. Now he's off.

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They stated that when persons have once obtained peaceable entrance into his house they can only be ejected after notice served on, or brought home to each individually. Publication, they say, is not enough, and an express warning must be shown. The C. P. must turn them out in the molliter manus imposuit fashion. The C. P. cannot go up to a trespasser and threaten to knock him down if he does not go out; and no deadly weapons can be employed. In no case may he legally clear his house by a charge-he can simply hand them out, man after man.

The C. P., acting upon this advice, handed them all out, man after man, but still they came. So he took the final step of issuing a proclamation, keeping dark the advice that he had received from the eminent legal authorities above-mentioned. The proclamation assumed that every necessary power of massacre was vested in him, and that he should put that power into operation if necessary. But notwithstanding this, they still came. So the C. P. was obliged to admit that the proclamation was only a dodge of his-a threat that he dared not carry out. He feels that by adopting this cowardly course he has covered himself with confusion, and deeply compromised the admirable journal to which he is attached. He will probably be "struck off the list of its contributories," but he don't care. He is utterly indifferent. Why is he indifferent? Listen.

NOW AND THEN. Now and then, not very often, We have sun in May and June, Now and then our feelings soften

To a man who sings in tune. Now and then, one's friends won't tarry, Smoke and keep us up all night; Now and then some people marry And seem disinclined to fight. Now and then the man we've trusted Doesn't turn out quite a rogue; Now and then our rooms get dusted, And we tolerate a brogue. Now and then an English lady, For a whim, or pique, or "fad," Changes grace for manners shady In the household of a cad. Now and then relations find us

Come to stay a week in town; When we leave our gamps behind us, Now and then the rain comes down. Now and then, by dint of struggling,

Flirts, like fish, get off the hooks,
Now and then, instead of smuggling,
Friends return our precious books.
Now and then we reach the station

In good time and full of breath,
Disappointments and vexation
Seem to dog us to our death.
I am not prepared to state now
How it is with other men,

I can only bow to fate, now-
Happy? Yes-but now and then!

Foreign Affairs.

WHAT the French may naturally expect from L.N. (Hélène), after

the Exhibition of Paris-a Ten Years' War.

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