Page images
[ocr errors]


door, where I put it myself this werry day.” “ Well, then,” he says,

“you'll p'raps come and find it.” I says spring is a-gettin' out beautiful, and the flowers a-blowin' like

So out I goes, for I was a-settin' in the front parlour, a-doin' a bit wild, as I see em myself a-top of a party's 'ead, as 'owever they can of nettin', as suits my eyes best of a' evenin'. Out I goes, and there carry that weight puzzles

me, as even

a pasy bonnet will give me that wasn't, certainly, no umbreller where I'd left it. So it come over me 'eadache as made me give up wearin' a lovely black beaver and sudden as that woman with the flowers must 'ave took it, and so she feathers as my dear missus give me through it belongin' to a aunt of must. 'ern as were run over through it, and never would put it on agin, not I was that wexed as I could 'ave cried, for BROWN only give sevenas the bonnet got 'er run over, but bein'.stone deaf and a woman as and-sixpence for it three days afore, as were a alpacker ; not as I cares would cross the road at a rush and no 'oldin' 'er back as I well knows for them alpackers as is a frightful weight when wet, and don't look through once a-goin' out shoppin' with 'er, and never shall forget the no better than a good gingham. way as she pinched my arm and then run into a mask of mud as they I was in a rage the next mornin' when I come for to water them lays on the road side, I do believe a-purpose to ketch parties, as you're flowers, as I'found all droopy like, and when I come to look into 'em, over your shoes in in a instant.

if there wasn't a lot of them blossoms only tied on, and one of them But as I was a-sayin', I did long for some of them flowers for my plants 'adn't no root, but was only just stuck in the pot. I never was front parlour winder as is rather overlooked through them WELBY8 more wild than with that woman, and I says to myself I shall drop on opposite always a-tryin' to pry as I never will encourage, and don't 'er some day no doubt, and so I did; for it was about a fortnight arter want for to know, as I told 'em plain that time as their brothers shaved as I up Camblin Town way a-goin' to drink tea with LizA HEMLING, as my cat's tail and dyed it blue and sent home that figger, and Mrs. is now married comfortable, and jest as I got out of the 'bus who should WELBY a-sayin' as it was only boys' fun. So I says,"

Next time as I see a-settin' in front of a public 'ouse but my lady, &-'avin' of some they wants to shave any one they might look at home," for she's got a beer with two men as were costermongers, I should say,

So I goes up beard like a man, as a razor would be a 'andsome present for.

to 'er and says,

“ You're a neat article, you are, to come to my 'ouse She took them remarks to 'erself, so I says, “If the cap fits, mum, and rob me like that.” you'd better wear it.” “Yes," she says, "So I will, and next time

She says, “ Rob you like what ?" Why," I says, “like as you that beastly cat of yours comes over 'ere he shan't forget it nor you did last Thursday." neither,” and if that poor beast didn't come 'ome all smeared over with She says, "Me rob you! Why I never see you afore." I says, yaller oker and a pink ’ead, and bright green ears, within three days, “You're a base falsehood, as must remember me down by South as no doubt was their doin's through bein? dyers, and then to 'ave the Lambeth, where you took the umbreller

from the stand while my back impidence to send over for water when their pipes was froze, as I says was turned.” to the gal, “ Tell your missus as I've used it all a-washin' my cat, Oh," she says, “I do recollect you now, and a precious lot of and," I says “I don't think as it's a article as'll be much missed in rubbish you stuck into me for my plants." I says, “You may well your 'ouse," for a dirtier lot I never knowd.

call 'em plants, and shameful ones too, for I never see such a reg'lar Well I'd made up my mind to ’ave some flowers, though I'ardly plant as you've put upon me, with them flowers tied on.” liked for to buy 'em at the door arter the way as that woman served Well, them costermonger chaps they got up and walks on the other me last spring when I 'ad some flowers on 'er one lovely mornin', as I way, while the woman she begun to move along with me a little

way was a-feelin' quite gay like, and one of them creeturs as is more like up the street where I was a-goin', and then turns back. So I says, men in petticoats come by with the flowers, as I know'd 'er well by "No, you don't go 'till you've

give me up that umbreller.” She says, sight through havin' bought a 'andsome ornament for the fire-stove "Why,” she says, “I give you the flowers for it.” on 'er the summer afore, and certainly did pity 'er through a tellin' "What," I says, “a new alpacker !” She says, “New! Why me as she'd a ’usband in the Consumption 'Ospital, and two children you'll be callin' yourself new next." cripples.

“Besides," I says, “there's a lot of papers in my 'usband's coat So I asks 'er the price of a lovely flower as was all over a bright pocket, and a silk 'ankercher." yaller blow, and she says, “'Arf-a-crown." So I says, “ Then it don't

Well, jest then them chaps give a whistle, and hooked it round the suit me."

corner sharp; and I see as the woman were a-preparin' for a bolt, 'Ave you got any old clothes or umbrellers, or anythink so I lays 'old on 'er arm, and says, "I tell you as you don't go afore like that?" “No," I says, “nothink as'll suit you."

you give me back my umbreller.” She says, “Why, you old clothes“Oh," she says, “ anythink will suit me, for my 'usband he's a 'ard bag, I ain't got your umbreller; what are you a-talkin' about?" and workin' man, as can turn everythink to use." I says, “I'm glad as she give me a sudden twist, as sent me a-whirlin' agin a gardin-gate, he's got well.” She stares, and then says, “Oh, yes ; he's better.” as give way with me, and there I was a-settin' 'elpless on the step, and I says,

“'Ow long 'as he been out of the 'ospital ?” Oh,” she that woman was round the corner like dust afore the wind, as the says, " a long while now; and 'is leg's quite strong."

sayin' is. It give me sich a shock as I didn't 'ardly know where I was i 'Is leg!” I says. "Why you told me as it was the consumption for a' instant,

and a young chap come runnin' across the road and as he'd got." Oh,” she says, “no; that's my sister, as is so like says, “ You'd better step over to the surgery.” I says, “What for ?” me, through bein' two twins.“

“Oh,” he says,

you've 'ad a fit." I says, "Rubbish. I've been I says, “Well, you certainly are alike, as two peas wasn't never assaulted by that wile 'ussy, as I'll be upsides with some day." more so."

There was one or two people come by, and one, as were a milk. I rummaged about, and found some old umbrellers, as is dreadful woman, says, “Ah, poor old soul, she didn't ought to be let come out useless things, and two old 'ats of Brown's, with a pink muslin and alone." I says, “ You mind your own business, and don't be a-spillin' two flounces, as I'd took of Mrs. POLLIN and never 'ad on my back, that chalk-and-water all over the place.' and I asks the woman what she'd give me for the lot And if she Didn't she abuse me, the foul-mouthed creetur; and glad I was for didn't want for to choke me off with that yaller flower and a little bit to get to 'Liza's door, and be let in; and what made me downright of a tulip as didn't seem 'ardly to ’ave no life in it. Arter a deal of savage was Brown, for when I told 'im of that milkwoman's impidence, agglin' and bargnin', she give me four lovely plants, as did certainly a-sayin' as I wasn't fit to be out alone, if he didn't say as she were look 'andsome in my front winder, as I set a little round table there right. a-purpose to 'old 'em in saucers, and seemed to make the place look

So that's the reason as I don't like for to buy no flowers at the door, like summer.

as is no doubt some on 'em werry good, but you never can tell; and as When BROWN come in he says, “They'll be all as dead as mutton to givin' away clothes for 'em, I'm sure it's wrong, for if Mrs. POLLIN in a day," and went out into the gardin, as the man's been a-diggin' didn't say as she'd ’ave give me three-and-sixpence for that musling, up, for to see about settin' some sweet peas and minnynet, as smells but then I shouldn't never 'ave got the money, so that's where

it is ; so sweet. At last he hollers out, “MARTHA.” I says, “What is it?” and I do think as things you buys at the door is a reg’lar do, and no

Why," he says, “where's my old jacket as 'ung by the washus mistake. door " I says,

That old thing! I give it to the woman for the flowers." He says, “Then you 'ave been and gone and done it. Why," he says, "I've left a lot of papers in the breast pocket, let

A Racy-ossy-nation. alone a silk ’ankercher in the side oneI says, "Rubbish. Why,

Said JOCKEY JACK to JOCKBY NED, you ain't wore it this six months." He says, “I beg your pardon;

As he his weekly broadsheet read, I wore it a-gardenin' last night; and," he says, “my wide-awake,

“The one thing, which to know I want, is where's that?" I says, “They was both only a-'arbourin' dust, and

The meaning of the word hoss frontis.not worth a fardin', and you don't want 'em."

Said JOCKEY NED to JOCKEY JACK, “Well," he says, “I don't now, for it's come on to rain, so I'll go

“Why, I can tell you in a crack ! round and see old ARCHBUT about the paintin'; but," he says, “ NANCY,"

The hogs as leads, depend upon't, is a-bollerin' to the servant, as only come the night afore, "where 'ave

The hanimal they calls hoss frontis !". you put my new umbreller ?" she says, “I ain't seen it." I says, “Do use your eyes, for there it is, in the stand agin the back parlour THE SONG OF THE FEMALE EMIGRANT. Coming through the Ryb?"

She says,

[ocr errors]

Young JONATHAN'S a pet of mine

For poetry and prose;
I think his books are jolly fine

(As literature goes).
One Yankee, though, I cannot read;

He makes me shudder so.
He's very dangerous indeed,

I dearly love the simple style

Of Irving at his best,
And think that HAWTHORNE is a mile

In height above the rest.
I keep upon my shelves the works

What fearful fascination lurks

We learn from HENRY WADSWORTH L.

That life is not a dream,
In lines that read extremely well,

But “are not what they seem.'
I've studied HENRY WADSWORTH hard,

From lots of years ago,
And found in him a safer bard

He draws you like a rattlesnake,

Does Mr. E. A. P.,
His tale have kept me wide awake

Till two o'clock and three.
Those stories have a deeper charm

Than any ones I know-
But, bless you! there's a heap of harm

His narrative about a cat

Will make your blood run cold;
So fearful a romance as that

Has never yet been told.
The Pit and Pendulum will send

A thrill from top to toe.
Pure horror seems the aim and end

I've dreamt of Ravens and of Bells-

Of undiscovered crimes—
Of baunted glens and ghostly dells,

At least a dozen times.
And often on a winter night,

My courage ran so low
I dared not sleep without a light-

Through EDGAR ALLEN Pog.



Sweet Innocent :-"DEAR ME?”
Sweet Innocent :—“ DEAR—dear me!”


without a single yawn. As an example of patient endurance this feat

is well worth going to see. The frères DANIELS, a couple of musical The spirited conflict was over

clowns, are the most successful bipeds in the establishment. They are The name of the Hermit declared ;

immensely funny-an excellent thing in clowns—and can perform And some folks were thinking of Dover,

very well on the tambourine and violin. The remainder of the circusFor of paying their bets they despaired.

entertainment answers its legitimate purpose by making everybody's I had stood-in to win on the Rake,

head spin round with

great velocity to the air of the last movement in And had put on the pot for the Palmer

AUBER's Cheval de Bronze overture. On the opening night-and, But I'd laid against Hermit a stake

luckily for the public, on that night alone—a new farce called Grim So large, I felt rather a qualmer!

Griffin Hotel; or, The Best Room in the House was played; PROFESSOR There rose a deep sigh to my lips,

PEPPER and Mr. John OXENFORD were bold enough to put their As I thought of misfortune's dark crosses ;

names to this bit of nonsense. The audience hissed it with enthusiasm, And I mentally rated the tips

which served it perfectly right. We respect Mr. OXENFORD's brain As a case of mere prophets and losses.

too much to lay the blame of this failure upon him; but, in the cha

racter of a farce-writer, we shall always take PEPPBR cum grano salis. When from her barouche down there bent a

People go to a circus to see the sawdust kicked about by fiery steeds; Fair dame, and my musings cut shorter

they care very little for scientific illustrations. The fine old ballad of Any colour," she said, “save Magenta

The Bailiff's Daughter of Islington was not written to be sung with And I always wear six and a quarter!”

exuberant humour by a comic chambermaid. From the crowded state of the amphitheatre on its opening night, we venture to predict for it

a remunerative season. FROM OUR STALL.

We are happy to see that a Freneh company, with Ravel at its The new amphitheatre, situated in the unfashionable region of High head, is going to give some performances at the St. James's Theatre. Holborn, is a comfortable, gaily decorated, well ventilated building, This is a real treat for folks who love refined acting, and we hope that with an ample circus and a limited stage. The acting company is the speculation will be a success for its promoters. composed of remarkably clever horses and moderately intelligent human beings; in the race for popularity we should certainly back the quadrupeds to any amount. The other evening one of these noble A STANDING ORDER.—"In the House of Lords nothing of importance animals actually witnessed a display of fireworks from beginning to end has been done."

[graphic][merged small][subsumed][subsumed][merged small][merged small][ocr errors][merged small][subsumed]

LENORE was a Saracen

maiden, Brunette, statuesque, The reverse of gro

tesque, Her pa was a bagman

from Aden, Her mother she

played in burIesque.

[merged small][ocr errors][merged small][merged small]

“ To see a fond father employing

A deuce of a knout

For to bang her about, To a sensitive lover's annoying,"

Said the bagman, “ Crusader, get out!”. Says Guy, “Shall a warrior laden

With a big spiky knob,

Sit in peace on his cob While a beautiful Saracen maiden

Is whipped by a Saracen snob? To London I'll go from my charmer!”

Which he did, with his loot

(Seven hats and a flute) And was nabbed for his Sydenham armour

At Mr. BeN-SAMUEL's suit.
Sie Guy he was lodged in the Compter,

Her pa, in a rage,

Died (don't know his age),
His daughter, she married the prompter,

Grew bulky and quitted the stage.

Of face and of figure majestic,

She dazzled the cits

Ecstaticized pits;
Her troubles were wholly domestic,

And drove her half out of her wits.

Her father incessantly lashed her,

On water and bread

She was grudgingly fed ; Whenever her father he thrashed her

Her mother sat down on her head.

Answers to Correspondents.

Guy saw her, and loved her, with reason,

For beauty so bright

Sent him mad with delight, he purchased a stall for the season: And sat in it. every night.

[We cannot return rejected MSS. or sketches unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.]

J. P., Upper Thames-street.—Your pencil wants point, and is conse quently not up to the mark.

PHANTOM. Your verses have not the ghost of a chance.

W. G, T., Darlington.—Your Derby drawings have too much of the coarse about them.

A CORRESPONDENT who forwards some “raw material for Fun," is informed that we cannot find the material for a roar in it.

AN OXONIAN, Exeter.–Send us a copy, please.
W. R. S., Brompton.—You should be more careful.

All the jokes you send us by post have been cracked.

NEIGHBODY, who dates from “ Somewhere in the North" surely intended to write himself down a Brae-body.

ADAM.--Your versification is too un-eve-n.
QUID PRO Quo.-The letter you send is too long for quid-pro-quotation.

J. S. B., Winborne, says he sends us some drawings," if they are of any good, my address is etc." They are not of any good—and now what is his address

BBAU-BELLES.-Condemned, without appeal.

A. E.-Your parody of Goldsmith's lines we consider the most unadulterated small beer—it has not a “grain of parodise" in it.

CROCKERY.-How imprudent of you to jest! You might find yourself cracked as well as your joke.

FLUKE.—We keep a set of our back numbers, so you might have saved yourself the trouble of sending us the “ Toomerciful" joke again.

CUCK00.- Why not Mocking Bird ? The joke was in Fun some few months since.

QUALIFIED. - But not qualified for Fun.

"HAWKEYE"-If our recollections of Fenimore Cooper serve us, you can “ draw a bead." If our judgment serves us, you can't draw a picture,

Declined with thanks.-A. F. B., Lisson Grove; P. R. W., Pimlico; Tom B.s; J. R. Clifton; J.C. S., Islington; Philopægmon; J. B. Blackfriars-road;

W. G. S., Stanley-street; J. D., Newcastle-on-Tyne; J. R., Greenock; D. S.; J. K.; Kd; E. F.; P. Y., Cambridge; J. D.; Á Pub, Fulwood; Bitter Beer; Ian ; 'R. H. L., Fenchurch-street; W.C.H., Edinburgh; Phuz Buz; Z. Z. Z.; I. J., Brixton Rise; J. E. W.; E. F. B. F.; Frolic; F. F. F., Ernest-street; R. S.; Veritas, Arbroath ; Philanthrop-'oss; Omega; G. F. Liverpool; Femme; J. E. P., Southwark-bridge-road; A. V. C.; E. T., Stockwell Park; R. C. R; H. S. B;

ppia ; " Arminius Arnold;" E. B., Peckham ; J. Y., Lamb's Conduitstreet; E. M., Newman-street; A Young Lady.

[graphic][merged small]


QuotH VIRGIL, that pretentious hum,
o fortunati nimium,

Si sua bona norint,
Agricolæ ;' in brief, id est,
“ Rustics are happier than the rest”
Not if I know it, or I'm blest!

Of truth would there were more in't.
'Tis evident he did not know
What 'tis a favourite early row

Of young French beans to see,
And find your spring of labour lost
(To make no mention of the cost)
Because, through an untimely frost,

Your beans will never be.
What 'tis of early peas in flower
To hope for an o'erarching bower

To shade one while one picks,
And find the plants all lowly laid,
And see that nipping airs have made
Instead of marrowfat arcade,

A pis aller of sticks.
Or else potatoes were your wish :-
You view your Shaws and utter “pish !"

To note huw they are spoiled.
VIRGIL ne'er knew—'tis certain—what
It is to see your finest lot
Of new potatoes gone to pot

-And know they won't be boiled.
Come, vegetable MARO, come!
Correct your lines—for “ nimium"

Read "parum fortunati.
Think of the peas our garden owes —
Think of the beans that bean't in row8—
Think (rhyme demands a ti for toes).

Oh, think of our potati!




Strange! An iron church, known as Christ Church, Kensington, has lately fallen a prey to our old friend, " the devouring element. Well, we should have imagined a building composed of such a material was really one of those irons we might safely have in the fire.

Utrtim horum mavis, accipe.

last of the bouquet. But how about the British public ? ELLEN

THE RAG. Terry is not considered, I believe, by critics such a good astress Dear Fun,Such a joke! You know I don't know much about as her sister, though I think she is very charming—but the public theatricals, but there's a fellow in our regiment who thinks himself can find no difference between the one and the other, and takes ÉLLEN awfully well posted in such matters. He has his room lined with for Kate without a murmur! It seems to me under these circumcartes de visite of stars, and all that sort of thing, and tries to stuff us up stances very absurd for the public to begin crying for the loss of the that he has the entrée of several green-rooms—but that we won't quite only actress on the English stage". when an actress is left who, actake in. Well, De Boots is always raving about Miss Kate TERRY, cording to their own showing, is quite as good as the one we are going and learns all the eulogistic criticisms about her by heart. These he to lose.—Yours,

MILES. repeats second-hand to us, for, to tell the truth, we never read theatrical I give you a Latin-Latin Grammar-quotation at the head of this notices, we always go by what our friend says. The other night De letter, to show you that I have not forgotten everything. Boots gave three of us a swell dinner at the Club, and promised, as an extra inducement, a box at the Adelphi, where he said KATE TERRY

Well, we never ! was playing in Henry Dunbar, a seedy kind of novel, as I think, that was kicking about the mess-room for ever so long. We ate De Boots'

This is rather startling: we found it in the advertising columns dinner, and sallied forth to the theatre. Awfully crowded ; not a seat (and there are lots of 'em!) of the Daily Telegraph :to be had, and such a reception when the fair actress came on as I had APARTMENTS:-A Gentleman, about to leare England for some months, having

a wise, and daughter seven years old, would be glad to meet with a lady never heard. De Boots was in ecstacies, and flung out of the box one similarly situated, to SHARE his HOUSE, well FURNISHED. References reof the largest bouquets he could find in Covent-garden. Altogether, quired. Terms moderate, society being chief object.–For address apply, &c. the house was tremendously enthusiastic, and when we were going out We should like to know what the gentleman's wife thinks of his coolly I listened to what the people were saying in order to find out what advertising for a lady to share his house. However,

she has no need they thought of the performance. Their unanimous verdict seemed to to be uncomfortable. If her husband does not turn Mormon until he be that Kata TERRY was a darling, and that it was a thousand pities finds a lady “similarly situated "-. e., with a wife and daughter, we she was going to leave the stage.

may venture to predict that will be a long time before he becomes Now, somehow or other the young lady who played Margaret Went- Utah-ly abandoned. worth didn't seem to me like the picture of Kate TERRY On De Boots' mantelpiece. Her hair was ever so much fairer, and, to tell you the

Rule Brett-ania ! truth, to my taste she was a prettier girl. And upon my honour I was A FRIEND of ours, who is subject at times to attacks of defective right after all, for when I got to Evans' afterwards, young Tyro, who vision, which incapacitate him for seeing a hole through a ladder, is a literary man and knows all about these things, told me that Kate assures us that he finds it advisable, when he takes a drop too much, TERRY was ill and that her sister ELLEN was playing for her.

to indulge in BRETT's Brandy, for to that he can only slightly I had such chaff with De Boots, and I don't think he will hear the 0.D.V.ation from the paths of sobriety.

London :- Printed by JUDD & GLASS, Phænix Works, St. Andrew's Hill, Doctors' Commons, and Published (for the Proprietor) by W. ALDER, at 80, Fleet-street, E.C.

June 8, 1867.

« PreviousContinue »