MRS. BROWN HOUSE-HUNTING.

I SAYS to Brown, "Stop in it I won't; it's all wery well to tell me as they're in the wood as comes from Merriker; then all as I says is, the Merrikens did ought to be ashamed of theirselves to send out sich wood, as might be easy nipped in the bud as the sayin' is, but never can be got rid on if once in the place, for I'm sure as the pains as I've took with that back room of mine even down to a iron bedstead, and yet there ain't no getting 'em under, and as to 'ARPER TWELVETREES they defies 'im, and I do believe as soft soap and turpentine encourages

them."

If I've had that bed down in that back room once it's been down seven or eight times since the summer afore last, and thro' bein' a good deal away from 'ome last summer didn't pay no attentions to 'em, for as to BROWN I do believe as he'd sleep thro' rattlesnakes a-stingin' 'im as 'ave a skin like a rhinoceros, and wouldn't mind if wild elephants was a-jumpin' over 'im all about the bed.

So BROWN, he says it's my fidgety ways as wants to move, which it is not, for I'm sure the trouble as I've 'ad with that last movin' no one can't tell, and now as they're a-bringin' in of witrol works near us it's time to go, with a good offer for the 'ouse and bit of ground as I never did feel at 'ome in, and as to neighbours I'd as soon live among wild Injuns for civilized they ain't, for I'm sure no wild Injun couldn' be wuss than that MRS. BATCOCK, as lives next door but one, a-beatin" of the servant gal over the 'ead with the door key in the broad day light, and a-throwin' a basin of dirty water slap in my face cos I only jest turned round in passin' for to say “Shame!” a-seeing sich goin' on on the door-step.

As for that MRS. PERRY, her stuck-up daughter as lives at thee corner, I ain't no patience with 'er, as 'ave not spoke since that time as I met 'er in Kennin'ton-lane and a poor blind man come along with a basket all alone, a-feelin' his way with a stick as didn't ought to'ave been let go out alone certingly, for he come behind me and give me a werry sharp prog with that stick as in course I didn't notice it tho' painful for the moment, and took one by surprise bein' unex pected; but as soon as I turned round and see as he were blind I only pitied 'im and put im straight in the middle of the path, as was dressed decent, and who should be a-comin' along but MRS. PERRY and that daughter of 'ern dressed up like a couple of Guy FOXES as they are. Well, the poor blind man he run slap agin' MRS. PERRY, and if she didn't take and give 'im a wiolent shove as sent 'im spinning agin' the railin' and down he goes,

"

I says, "You did ought to be ashamed of yourself, that you did, to behave like that to a blind man, you old wixen." She says, "You dare to speak to me and I'll serve you wuss than I did 'im as I see you goidin' right at me, and no doubt 'ave give 'im money to insult me.' I says, "I ain't one to use my ands in a general way, but I says, you lay a finger on me and I'll pretty soon show you what my umbreller's made on, and make that ugly mug of yourn a somethin' to

look at."

Her daughter up and says, "Come on, Ma, it's that awful MRS. BROWN. Don't speak to 'er."

"Yes," I says, "it's that awful MRS. BROWN, and what 'ave you got to say agin 'er!" "Oh!” she says, "you're a reg'ler scourge to the neighbourhood, a-speakin' agin every one.'

comes 'eavy on me, as can't be bothered with it; and what it must be with a family of children, as you've no sooner put 'em on clean things than they're reglar sweeps agin; and for my part, so long as they gets a good wash afore goin to bed, I don't mind their bein' dirty, for I'm sure they thrives on it. I mean 'onest dirt as they gets a-playin' about. Not as ever I would let mine go a-jumpin' into puddles wanton, nor anythink of that; but you can't 'ave 'em always in apple-pie order, as the sayin' is.

If I looked at one 'ouse, I must ave seen twenty, but none on 'em didn't exactly, suit, though many on 'em I liked; one in particular, as I couldn't remember about the back room winders, so I thought as I'd look at it agin, and back I goes.

Thee woman as were a-takin' care on it, and lived in the front kitchen she were werry civil, and all the partik'lers was wrote on a card as were a layin' on the mantel-shelf in the parlour.

I was jestta looking at the back rooms and a-thinkin' as my blinds world come in nicely, when there come a ring at the bell, and when the door was opened, in come a policeman and another man as trod eavy along the passage, and come into the room where I was. didn't take no netice of 'em, a-thinkin' it were pr'aps the policeman as took care of the ouse as a many 'as 'em for safety.

I

I'bard the other man say, "Come, none of these capers," I thought ho were speakin' to the policeman, till he said it over agin, and then I turnaround, and says, "Were you a speakin' to me? He says, Yes, I wores audit won't do." I says, "What won't do?" "Why,"

"Your game, as someone's been and blowed the gaff on." I says, Domititule none of your low-lived rubbish to me," and I turns to the women and says, "I'm much obliged, and am quite satisfied," and walk thire the foldin'-doors into the front parlour as tho' a-goin' out Says the filter to the policeman, "Stop er." I says, "Stop who? He "You." "Come," says the policeman, "Give it Lsays, "dive up what?" "Why," he says, "The copper." I says "What copper ?" "Why," he says, "The one as you took out of the house in the Brixton-road. "Yes" says the other man, "We've been a follem you as soon as it were missed; its the third I've lost this year I "Whatever are you a-talkin' about?" "Why," he say my or as 'ave been took out of the 'ouse this werry day, and there's one to look at it but you and another young man.' "Well," I say it be angry with you, ces it's that ridiculous; 'owever could I take a copper ?" "Oh," he says, "Easy enough, as Í know to my cost, for one was stole by a young feller as 'ad put it up the back of his coat." "Well," I says, "This good woman is welcome to see if I've got sich a thing as a copper up my back." So I goes into 'er room with 'er, and when, we come out agin, I says to the feller, "I shall see if I can't punish you for this 'ere houtrage." He says, "You'll be caught yet, and if you comes prowling about my property agin I'll give you in charge, as no doubt have passed the copper on to "You're a one of your pals." Well, I was that aggravated, I says, impudent low wagabone, and," I says, "Policeman, you come 'ome with me, and I'll prove to you as I'm respectable," and give him my name and address. "Law," says the man, "You don't mean to say as you're MRS. BROWN? Why, I've had your good gentleman with me this very mornin', over sellin' the house as you're a-livin' in." I says, "Whatever made you think as I was a thief?" "Why," he says, "Two females called at my 'ouse this arternoon, and said as a notorious the neighbourhood, and give a description of your dress and everythink exact, and I'm sure I begs pardon." "Oh," I says, mention it; but," I says, "I knows the parties, as one is elderly, and a red face with a flaxen front, and the other is a mask of pimples." Yes," says he, "That's them." "Ah," I says, "I'll be even with 'em, so good day," and off. I walks, a-bearin' in mind as I owes MRS. PERRY and her daughter a turn.

There was sev'ral parties as 'ad picked up the blind man and stopped to listen to us, so I says, "It wasn't me as 'ad you took up on suspicion of shopliftin' in the Boro' last spring; nor yet me as said you shot the moon over Chelsea way, and shouldn't never 'ave known as you was tried for swindlin' at the Old Bailey if I'adn't read it in the papers; so," I says, "go on with you, and next time you wants to assault any one don't let it be a poor blind man like that."

Well, some of them parties 'ad picked the poor blind man up, and they begun a-'ootin' and groaning at them two PERRYS like anythink, as was glad to break away.

But bless you, I've never know'd peace in the neighbourhood since for them PERRYS, as does everythink they can think on to annoy me, and wrote a synonimous letter to BROWN for to say as the lamplighter were seen to kiss his 'and to me from the top of the ladder, and as I'd been a-driving out with a young man in a green tilt cart and bushy whiskers.

BROWN he's dead agin me, a-sayin' as I 'ad'nt no right for to pitch into 'em about the blind man, as I considers were a duty. So altogether I was bent on leavin' that 'ouse, and says to BROWN as I should like Brixton 'Ill, as is that convenient for both West-end and City.

PnOff I goes one arternoon a'ouse 'untin' as they calls it, and well they may, for I never did 'ear such rents as they asks for places as ain't no better than washerwomen's cottages, and no conveniences neither. 'Ow it is as parties manages to live at all puzzles me, for rent alone is enough to eat you up; and not one 'ouse in ten a bit of copper as is suitable to a family, for I'm sure puttin' the washin' out

LINES.

I KNOW a bank-not one that nature decks;
Clothed-not in greenery-oh, no, in checks!
O'er it no perfume balmy zephyr wafts-
Its scents are five per cents., its airs are drafts!
No wild thyme wanders this bank freely o'er-
Its hours are regular-from ten till four.
Fairer than slopes with pallid primrose set,
Or rich with clumps of nodding violet,
Richer than mossy banks or shady bowers,
Or sunny gardens bright with myriad flowers,
Or beauteous glade, or green and level lawn-
Stay! my account must not be overdrawn!

"don't

WHAT is the difference between a railway train and a suspending bank P-In one case the brake causes the stoppage, in the other the stoppage causes the break.

FROM OUR STALL.

We shall find it a difficult thing-the general tone of our theatrical criticism taken into consideration-to speak of MISS ADA WEBB's acting in sufficiently enthusiastic terms. Her performance in The Grasshopper is already placed beside MISS CUSHMAN's Meg Merrilees on the chimney-piece of our dramatic memories. We have heard at least half a dozen objections from the wiseacres who infest theatres on first nights. Number One, with a preternatural shrewdness, discovers that the lady has an American "twang"; seeing that she comes from America we regard that fact as no particular miracle and no particular drawback. Number Two, generous creature, admits the merit of the lady's Fanchon, but he suspects that she can play nothing else, and consequently begs us to suspend our admiration. We shall do nothing of the kind; it would be a shame to deny the talent of MR. SOTHERN'S Dundreary on the ground of his having played nothing half so well since. Number Three, the most absurd of all, objects to the want of repose in MISS WEBB's acting. Now, Miss WEBB's character gives the title to the play, and the title implies either something or nothing. From our own limited experience of grasshoppers, we have arrived at the conviction that they are intensely fond of hopping about. Miss ADA WEBB hops about also, and not only justifies the name of the piece, but makes us acquainted with a very symmetrical pair of extremities by this Terpsichorean peculiarity. Joking apart, we regard this young actress as one of the finest performers that our American cousins have sent us. Of her sister, MISS EMMA WEBB, we cannot speak so highly; her part is an arduous one, and the young lady plays it creditably-but she seems out of her element in the character. The other parts are played up to the usual Olympic standard; MR. WIGAN makes up admirably, MR. CLAYTON is a rather cold lover, MR. D. MURRAY makes the most of points which are few

A LAY OF THE LAW. CHILDE Pуffkyns was a pleader

At the Court of Common Pleas, He also was the leader

Of a band of tried Q.C.'s.

They took an oath together
For to let their wigs to grow
Till they found the utmost tether
To which the law would go.

With fi. fas, and replevins,
And nolle prosequis,
Ne exeats-good hevins,
Their number's a surprise!

With habeas corpus, quare

Processit, nisi prius,

By fair means or unfair he-
And they-went on to try us.

Until at length we saw

Our danger. Then "our trust is," We cried, "far less in law

Than equity and justice!"

When Lord High Chancellor
Found our petitions bore him,
He went and sent for Pyff kyns
And had him up before him.

The pleadings were extended

Over twenty years, but when The case at length was ended

They hanged those wicked men

The talented pleader and eloquent leader,

And all of the Q.C.'s ten.

NOTE.

And between you and me little harm would

it be

If they hanged a few more now and then.

Anything but a Truc-ulent Remark. INSTANCES frequently occur of unnecessary suffering being inflicted on cattle during their transit by rail. Surely the "Truck Act" must contain provisions to meet these cases. We trust that the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals will give the subject their early consideration.

and far between, and MISS AMY SHERIDAN looks very tall and pretty and well dressed. The dialogue of the piece is as dull as any ditchwater, and the three acts must undergo a considerable cutting before they can be made thoroughly palatable to average audiences. The scenery is pretty and the dresses are picturesque; but the life and soul of The Grasshopper is MISS ADA WEBB. An occasional sinking of the almost inaudible-is the only fault we have to find in this young lady's voice-which sometimes goes to the extent of rendering her words admirable performance. The piece was received with enthusiasm on the night of its production, and there was more than the ordinary amount of "calls" and bouquets.

"Ass You Was!"

We were rather startled the other day on taking up a Scarborough paper to come upon the following extraordinary paragraph; we of course suppress the names for obvious reasons:

DONKEYS.

Best agricultural donkey, Mr. M-, Hackness. Best hackney donkey, Mr. E. P-, Scarbro'. We immediately sat down and wrote a long and forcible essay on the license of the press and the defects of the law of libel. We have, however, determined not to print it, more especially as a little further examination of the paper convinced us that the paragraph which so astounded us was part of the prize list at an agricultural show. But surely our provincial contemporary might have found some less dubious way of putting it!

"THE ANGEL" at Highgate.-MISS BURDETT COUTTS. THE LAND FOR THE Blasés.-NEW ZEAL-land.

A BORN GENIUS.

You find not in the songs I sing
A solitary touch of toil;
You vainly seek for anything
Suggestive of the midnight oil.
I never slap my brow at all

For grace, for wisdom, or for wit, But keep them at my beck and callPoeta nascitur, non fit.

Beneath a bright poetic star

My sojourn in the world began;
In youth I followed Fancy far
(A bard ere yet I was a man).
And now, at forty, more or less,
In meditative mood I sit,

Still deep in dreams of loveliness-
Poeta nascitur, non fit.

How many rhymesters of the day
Are guiltless cf the "spark divine"

That animates my fervid lay

And coruscates in every line! My genius never makes me vain Or self-important-not a bit; And so I simply say againPoeta nascitur, non fit.

But cannot sing you fitly, MR. WHALLEY,

Because the only rhyme that suits the case is "folly!"

"It may be for Years!"

We have received a copy of a Shrewsbury paper, in which we read that, at a late Foresters' Fête held in the neighbourhood

"After several other toasts and songs the members and their friends joined in a dance, and kept it up with great spirit for some years." We have placed ourselves in communication with the postmaster of Shrewsbury, with a view to posting off a special reporter if the statement we quote should prove true. We can quite understand that a caper of such length would be carried on with spirits, not to say ghosts, for such a dance of ST. VITUS would prove a dance of death. It appears probable that the hop was kept up for a couple of hours, but that the Shrewsbury reporter, having two long years running in his head, wrote down the wrong word.

"Murder as a Fine Art."

A LARGE poster, announcing a fête at Swinton, near Sheffield, the other day, held out as an inducement to visitors the fact that "MR. WILLIAM BROADHEAD, of Sheffield, is expected on the ground each day." We suppose "MR. WILLIAM BROADHEAD, of Sheffield," will appear as a public entertainer next. The blowing-up of a nonUnionist's house, with a bouquet of rockets, would be a telling finale to a lecture on "Safe Methods of Murder, with Illustrations," in which the learned lecturer will be assisted by MR. CROOKES.

EPIGRAM.

BY A BOTTLE. IMP.

With a still tongue, and though at times he flounder, A fool will live where daring thinkers founder,Will live out storms (which fighted sages throttle) Like a close-corked, obsequious, empty bottle!

Answers to Correspondents.

[We cannot return rejected MSS. or sketches unless they are accompanied by a stamped and directed envelope.]

WE have to acknowledge the receipt of copies of the Porcupine from several Liverpool correspondents, who draw attention to gross plagiarisms of "Nicholas" contained in that journal. We thank them, but the best punishment for such ignorance or dishonesty is the contempt of the public, to which we leave it.

BRIAN BORO0.-From the fact that the "Paddy Shaw" and "Dick
Tatur" jokes are venerable and well-known ones, we conclude that the plain
English for your name is Brian Borrow.
SCISSORS.-You can cut.

GAS.-We are compelled to turn you off.
COOMBES.-Thanks; we will consider it.

W. R. (Mile-end.)-We don't care for feeble copies of poor Artemus Ward.

'Oulxpov.-Your little-o'd is under consideration. It wants polishing. AN ADMIRER OF FUN (Monaghan).-The paper has not reached us. PIETRO ARETINO is wrong about the artist; there are two!!

F. T. (Cheltenham) did not enclose a stamp as stated. Our regulation 88y9 a stamped directed envelope." We wish our correspondents would attend to it.

W. B. D. (Upminster.)-You have not observed our rules, but, as the sketches are not your own, we keep them for you to rectify your oversight. DRAMA.-We meant. Wednesday, but the advertisement appeared on Thursday or Friday.

Declined with thanks :-Astragalus; Roseville, Isle of Wight; Tilda; Tom B.'s.; Fun-Admirer, Birmingham; Miss B., Norwich; Aurora; L. E., Brighton; F. A., Downham-road; P. D.; E. H. O'N., Islington; Subscriber; Reporter; J. E.; W. D. S., Glasgow; J. A., Hulme; D. A. S., City; AJ N., M., Taunton; T. L.; Miss W., Edinburgh; E. C. D., Gopsall-street; Iota; S. S. Si, Park; G. P., Edgware-road; J. de C.; A. L. B., Brighton.