Uncle Jack. "ULLO, MY DEAR, WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU AND EDWIN NOT BEEN QUARRELLING, I HOPE?" Angelina. "No, UNCLE JACK; BUT WE'VE BEEN TO SIGNOR GAMMONIO, THE PALMIST, TO HAVE OUR HANDS EXAMINED, AND HE SAYS WE ARE NOT SUITED TO EACH OTHER, AND OUGHT TO BREAK IT OFF AT ONCE!" TERRIFIC STRUGGLE WITH A GRAND PIANO! A CASE which recently came before Mr. Justice GROVE and a Common Jury in the Queen's Bench Division, has hardly in Mr. Punch's opinion, attracted the attention it deserved from the sensational nature of its chief incident. It appears that it had become necessary, for certain reasons, to seize a grand piano which was in the plaintiff's house, and that two men entered it with that object. An attempt would seem to have been made to deter the gallant fellows from their desperate purpose, and they accordingly waited to be reinforced by some seven or eight others of equally fearless disposition, whereupon, to quote from the Times report, "picking the lock of the dining-room door, where the piano lay impounded, they finally, after a struggle of some four hours, removed the piano in triumph in a van.' Why, why have we no English VICTOR HUGO to paint the fierce picturesqueness, the lurid horror of this four hours' contest with an impounded piano? It is a scene, Mr. Punch ventures to say, unparalleled by anything in recent fiction. Think of it, sensation novelists; the piano, lurking grand and grim in its lair, the entry of the intrepid little band of assailants-the awful combat that ensued! Can you not picture the piano at bay, lashing out with its stout mahogany legs, snapping its lid, gnashing its ivory keys (which probably had been untuned for weeks) One holds one's breath in admiration, in wonder that any of the devoted nine or ten left that dining-room alive to tell the tale, and that the infuriated instrument did not roll its crimsoned castors over their collective corpses. But courage and intelligence prevailed at length, as they always do, against mere blind brute force; the piano, worn out, reduced far below concert-pitch, was eventually overpowered, and removed ignominiously, like a captive menagerie lion.-in a van! Most justly was it observed by the plaintiff's Counsel during the trial, that "no one could tell the annoyance of such a scene in a house, except those who had gone through it, or witnessed it," and Mr. Punch feels proud to commemorate here a deed which deserves to be inscribed high in the record-roll of British heroism. "WHY do they go on for weeks in Parliament discussing how they shall address the QUEEN?" asked Mrs. RAM. "Surely some one among them must know that the QUEEN's Address is simply' Windsor."" AN ANTICYCLONIC ODE. By an Appressionist. As on my steady threadbare way There is one thing that makes me gay A London fog. THERE have lately been reports of some lunatic threatening Lord ROTHSCHILD's life, but Mr. B. S. MARKS has been most successful in taking his Lordship from life, and exhibiting him in a picture, as he appeared when taking his solemn oath in the House of Lords. As his Lordship is not represented as bare-headed, his title, we remarked at the time, ought to have been "Lord HATTON,"-it may be supposed that, as the effort of swearing was almost overpowering, the artist caught Lord ROTHSCHILD'S happy expression ("Bless me!") just when he had re-covered himself. Viscount WOLMER said "he saw Hon. Members toss their heads." (See Times Report, February 1.) Our Special Artist here gives the effect, showing how some Hon. Members lost their heads, and how others became wrong-headed. House of Commons, Monday Night, January 31.-A little tragedy | CHAMBERLAIN might have been. When not blowing people up, unnoted by the thoughtless crowd befel under Gallery this evening. assumed a fine air of patronage. Reassured W. H. SMITH, patronised Sheriffs of City of London came down, dressed all in their best, to HICKS-BEACH, and on the whole let down gently a Conservative present petition. Business accomplished, took their seats under the Party that had presumed to differ with him. Gallery as usual, and began to think what they should have for dinner. With legs crossed, hands folded, and scarlet gown draped around them, mused on modifications of the menu; when a sudden disturbance arose from the House. Bells rang, Members crowded in, and attendant, with peremptory gesture, bundled Sheriffs of the City of London into the outer Hall, upsetting as it were the soup, sliding the fish off the dish, and making the entrées exeunt. All WILFRID LAWSON's joke. AKERS-DOUGLAS had moved New Writ for St. George's, Hanover Square, in place of Lord ALGERNON PERCY. This, it was known, meant to make room for GoSCHEN. Nothing more natural. "Where," as HARCOURT says, "could a prominent Unionist go with more appropriateness than to St. George's, Hanover Square? But LAWSON as a free and independent elector objected to undue haste. First he had heard of it. Must have time to think over it, so moved adjournment of debate. House cleared for division, and thus the meditations of the Sheriffs of London rudely broken in upon. RANDOLPH in fine form to-night. Delivered piquant speech constructed on what General WOODALL (late Surveyor-General of the Ordnance) calls "swivel-gun system,"-that is to say, it will fire upon anyone in whatever position. Sometimes the muzzle bearing upon HARTINGTON, who sat immediately opposite, violently looking as if he were the sole occupant of the chamber. Sometimes at CHAPLIN in the corner seat to the right; occasionally full in the back of W. H. SMITH, who sat below; and sometimes at the empty seat where A promising speech from young CURZON, and then the Sage of Queen Anne's Gate completed HARTINGTON's enjoyment of the evening by reproaching him with bad taste for insisting upon sitting on Front Opposition Bench shoulder to shoulder with GLADSTONE. Business done.-Further debate on Address. Tuesday. A great and proud day for us, the Coming Party, the Chaplinites, the Dissentient Unionists. Our Great Chief has seized his opportunity, and made mince-meat of the adversary. All very well for RANDOLPH to occupy two evenings of the Session, for GEORGE HAMILTON to orate, and for CoNYBEARE to discuss the question, "Why are the Tory Party so angry at me?" Our Chief's appearance on the scene dwarfs them all. Its effect, before a word was uttered, remarkable. GLADSTONE, unnecessarily apprehensive as it turned out, had invented necessity for adjourning to the Fens. RANDOLPH, with more occasion, had hurried out of the House, when certain movements on the part of Our Chief indicated preparation for rising. Usually reckless, he could not stand this fire. It was well for him to be out of range, for the firing was terrific. Mr. DISRAELI, in his most pompous moments, never equalled Our Chief in the profundity of his emotion, the impressiveness of his gestures, or the range of his emphasis. "The noble Lord," he said, in one of the finest passages, "has not the shadow of a leg to stand upon." I suppose that, as indicating absolute helplessness, the English language does not contain a more striking metaphor. After this burst of natural eloquence, the vituperation of CONY "I'm not sure about that," said the Baronet. "BARTTELOT, BEARE fell a little flat. A new Member, one GRAHAM, gave it a fillip in it. House thankful for anything out of the ordinary rut, and encouraged new Member with much laughter and cheering. Debate drifted on till midnight, when adjournment moved. W. H. SMITH, rising in ordinary Leader-of-the-House fashion, expressed hope that a little further use of the night might be made. Front Opposition Bench practically deserted; PARNELL absent; apparently no one to lead the Opposition in resisting this attack on its privileges. Seemed that all was lost, when a familiar voice heard below the Gangway. It was JOSEPH GILLIS, with one thumb in the armhole of his waistcoat, the other hand disengaged what time he caressed his incipient moustache. In genial bantering manner, the hand of steel gleaming beneath the velvet glove, JOEY B. withstood the Leader of the House. He was gracious, even benignant; but no mistaking his purpose. JOHN MANNERS "Not the shadow of a at once put forward to haul down the GovernLeg to stand upon."" ment flag, and debate forthwith adjourned. Business done.-More debate on Address. Wednesday.-"Still harping on me country," said O'HEA, in voice of deep melancholy. Was standing at the Bar looking at the almost empty House of Commons, which CRILLY was vehemently addressing. O'HEA never been the same man since O'SHEA left. I'm a poor widow man," he says, with a tear in his voice. Here we old stagers did something. Nothing is to be got, except by making yourself disagreeable. The young fellows like RANDOLPH get everything; the middle-aged young fellows like CHAPLIN are beginning to wake up. Why should we always sit quiet on the back benches ?" Poor SMITH! and he just beginning to cheer up when he heard of RANDOLPH's flight! More interminable speech-making, with remote reference to the Address. Business done.-None. Friday.-At last reached Amendments to Address. CREMER moved one calling for withdrawal of troops from Egypt. WILFRID LAWSON gave what he called "a bird's-eye view of how things had gone on in Egypt for the last eleven years." Principal figure in the landscape was GOSCHEN, assisting the KHEDIVE to put ZADIK PASHA in a chest, nailing him up alive, and dropping him to the bottom of the Nile. Sir CHARLES FOSTER, who has already lost his hat, sat and shuddered at graphic picture. W. REDMOND gave account of his visit to Egypt and how he was ashamed to be there, feeling the glances of hatred of the people were merited. SAUNDERSON created painful sensation by suggesting that REDMOND had been mistaken for an Englishman. REDMOND, however, hastened to assure the House that this was not so, and equanimity restored. Business done.-CREMER'S Amendment rejected by 263 votes against 97. A. S. Cr-m-r. TELLINGS OF THE TELEPHONE. THE account of the conversation recently held between the King of the BELGIANS and President GRÉVY, coupled with the announcement that the Queen had at Bruxelles' been listening to a rehearsal at the Paris Opera, has soon led the way to other Continental experiences of a like character. The following comes from a Berlin correspondent : Particularly downcast to-day, and not without reason. are at the end of first week of Session, and absolutely no forrader. Supposed to be debating the Address. Cloud of Amendments on the paper. Haven't yet, after six days, reached the first one. Amendments touch all subjects, stretching from Egypt to Ireland, via Scotland. Each will have its two or three sittings-that relating to Ireland probably a week. Yet here we are to-day, as we have been every day, talking about Ireland. All the speeches to be delivered over again, with others, when PARNELL's Amendment comes on. Well may the tears trickle down the face of the widowed O'HEA. Happy in being out of it is the errant O'SHEA. Business done.-None. Thursday.-Profound sensation in House to night. RANDOLPH has The new telephonic apparatus was yesterday submitted to the disappeared, and Sir J. MCGAREL HOGG, by Chancellor, who, taking much apparent interest in the invention, strategic movement, has secured his corner at once requested that he might be put into communication with the seat. RANDOLPH has made for Algiers. eastern frontier of France. This was immediately done, with the Report is, he has gone there on account of result that his Excellency distinctly heard the sawing of the planks his health. ROBSON ROOSE says so, and he now being utilised for the construction of the new French military ought to know. But ROBSON ROOSE, though huts in process of extensive erection in that quarter. This appeared unapproachable in his own to amuse the Prince, who laughingly suggested that the other end of line, a mere chicken in the the machine should be laid on to General BOULANGER'S private hands of a political Rooseter apartment; and, on being assured that the connection had been like RANDOLPH. Public doubt-effected, he forthwith proceeded to dictate, in a loud and resounding less haven't forgotten certain voice, a further threatening article to the Reporter of the Berlin Secret Memoirs published last Post, who was in attendance for the purpose. This was attentively December. Will call to mind listened to, though with some astonishment, by the French War how an honourable Member, Minister, and was followed, in the course of the afternoon, by another acting as agent for the Chief characteristic panic on the Bourse. of the Dissentient Unionists, The subjoined is from Vienna. The EMPEROR expressing much visited the Dey of ALGIERS, satisfaction with the apparatus, said he should like to test it in a little Bey of TUNIS, Prince of Mo-private conversation with the CZAR, where, on communication being NACO, Doge of VENICE, and established with the Winter Palace, his Majesty was startled by other potentates; how he was hearing distinctly the report of a gun. He, however, immediately followed to Monaco by the made the humorous inquiry, "What are you about? Shooting a Chief himself with HARTING- Secretary?" to which came the prompt reply, "No. Trying a new TON in his train; and how Repeating Rifle in my bed-room.' After the interchange of a little when the projected alliance good-natured badinage of the same character, the CZAR suddenly had made considerable ad- asked "How about the Landsturm? I fancy you're having them vance, RANDOLPH upset every-drilled. Can hear the continuous tramp." To this the EMPEROR, thing by resigning office and after a few moments' reflection, as if struck with a happy thought, bringing about chaos. RAN- responded, "Bless you! It's only the goose step; an explanation Sir J. McG-r-1 H-gg. DOLPH'S health may not be which seemed to occasion the CZAR considerable hilarity, as he could what his friends would wish; but it is at least a little curious that be distinctly heard laughing immoderately on receiving it. On the he should just now have started for Algiers. Should he go on to whole the relations between the two Courts may be regarded as Tunis, Monaco, and Venice, perhaps the most short-sighted amongst excellent, and the prospect may be said to be visibly brightening. us will begin to see a hole through the ladder. Meanwhile HOGG's manoeuvring led to much conjecture, and on Treasury Bench to some perturbation. What did it portend? Chairman of Metropolitan Board of Works usually regarded as steady-going Conservative, amenable to discipline, and with rooted reverence for authority. What did he do in the seat of the scorner? Was this the beginning of a new revolt? "J. MCGAREL." said W. H. SMITH, uneasily, "I hope you are not going the whole Hogg!" TO CORRESPONDENTS.-In no case can Contributions, whether by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Communication has also quite recently been established between the Foreign Office and Her Majesty's representative at Constantinople, and was put to the test yesterday by the despatch of the laconic inquiry, "Well, what are you up to now?" To which, after a brief interval, was vouchsafed the reply, "Nothing in particular.' To this Lord SALISBURY bade his Secretary rejoin, "All right; stick to it," and the conversation, which seemed to indicate a resolution on the part of Her Majesty's Government to assume a somewhat neutral attitude in any possibly impending conflict, abruptly closed. MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied A SONNET OF VALENTINES. WHEN February's lingering light reveals The patient earth, still pallid with the weight Of Winter's darkness, and the dazzling freight Of snow, which Summer's wealth in trust upseals, And heavenward turns th' unwary walker's heels, And lends to dauntless Infancy a straight And aggravating missile for the pate Of musing stranger, who astonied feels The concrete cloud upon his collar burst;Now, when the birds make their engagements known, And early baas are on the thin winds blown, There are who send-I can't tell why, I'm sure To strangers, who have ne'er with them convers'd, Rude painted daubs of vilest portraiture. HERE is an advertisement that might suit an ambitious conjuror out of place : CAN ary Clergyman RECOMMEND a thoroughly respectable Some knowledge of house decorating desirable; age about 35; Church of England; principal duties gardening and drawing bath chair; parlour-maid does indoor work while thus engaged; dress as indoor servant after one; no beer; no clothes; bond fide non-smoker. Note the wonders of this mysterious household! There is an ubiquitous parlour-maid, who, while engaged in "gardening and drawing a bath chair" at the very same moment apparently "does indoor work." But no lesser marvel is expected of the applicant. He is to dress as an indoor servant after one, and yet he is to do it without any clothes. After this it seems immaterial that he should have some knowledge of house decorating and be a bona fide non-smoker. The advertiser had better apply direct to M. VERBECK. MR. SANTLEY has been recently made a Knight of St. Gregory by LEO THE THIRTEENTH. Why not have beatified him at once, on account of his being so Santley ? He was in excellent voice when he sang in SPOHR's great Oratorio, which, by the way, is a subject that does not lend itself to any Spohr-tive remarks. "FAIR AND FORTY."-The Thieves in the Drury Lane Pantomime. But where's the "Fat" in this quotation? Oh, the two low comedians have got all that to themselves. "A BREECH OF PROMISE."-The new twelve-and-ahalf pounder for the Horse Artillery. TO FOLLOW.-After "She,"-He. VOL. XCII. A PROTEST FROM THE PEDESTAL. THE adjourned meeting of the Public Thoroughfare Protection Association was held, after midnight, yesterday at Charing Cross, Lord NELSON, who descended from his column for the purpose, being again voted unanimously in the Chair. The assemblage which was rather select than large, was, however, well attended by Statues occupying various prominent sites in other parts of the Metropolis, and who, therefore, took a lively interest in the matter under discussion. On the hour of One sounding on the clock of the Westminster Palace, the CHAIRMAN rose. He said, he need not detain the meeting by dwelling on what had brought them together. They were met to protest against an intolerable nuisance ("Hear! hear!") need he say he alluded to the utilisation, attempted and threatened, of the open space that surrounded them, for the purposes of public meeting. Though when a mob crowded the Square, he, perched up on the top of his lofty pedestal, might personally consider himself out of it, still he could see what was going on at his feet, and he had frequently seen the base of his column invaded by a noisy rabble, who even clambered on to the backs of the four noble beasts who protected him. ("Shame!") It is true they had been dislodged ultimately by the Police, but only after an unseemly scuffle, that he considered degrading to him as a public monument. (" Hear! hear!" He had on one memorable occasion reminded his fellow-countrymen how England expected every man to do his duty, and he would just throw the hint across to the Authorities at Scotland Yard opposite, by expressing a hope that, when the time should arrive, they would be found equal to the task of doing theirs. (Cheers.) GENERAL SIR CHARLES NAPIER said he entirely concurred in every word that had dropped from the illustrious naval hero who occupied the chair. ("Hear!") Speaking from his own experience, and in his forward position, he was able conveniently to note the passage of the vehicular traffic; he could only say that on the last occasion, about a year ago, when the Square was invaded, it came to a dead stand-still. This was a disgrace. Besides, in the turmoil, the public did not even notice him, and he considered he had been placed on the "finest site in Europe" to be stared at. (Laughter.). Instead of that, he only had a mob of angry ruffians turning their backs on him. (Renewed laughter.) Honourable Statues might laugh, but he could tell them that to be placed on a pedestal by a grateful country, and then treated no better than a lamp-post, was not a pleasant experience. He protested against this. He certainly should vote that the Square be restricted to its proper uses, and not turned into a bear garden. (Cheers.) And he felt he could say this not only for himself, but also on behalf of his gallant brother-in-arms, facing the omnibuses on the other side. General HAVELOCK (with warmth). I believe you! (Roars of laughter.) GEORGE THE FOURTH said, that situated as he was, he might by some be regarded as the corner man " in any assemblage that might take place in that locality. Still, he believed, he was still known as the First Gentleman in Europe-("Oh! oh!")-and, under these circumstances, he considered it very derogatory to his dignity to have a crew of ragamuffins climbing about his horse's legs, and waving a red flag under his very nose. He would be bound his illustrious predecessor, the Royal Martyr, would agree with him. 66 CHARLES THE FIRST, who, on rising, was enthusiastically greeted, said, that having lost his head in one popular movement, he was likely to know what he was saying when dealing with another. ("Hear! hear!") He could only say, to suffer the traffic of a great centre to be interrupted for hours by a set of brawlers under any pretext whatever, that it would a right of public meeting to stop it, was to sanction be and interference with the levying of ship-money was a comparative trifle. (Cheers.) He had been once brought to the block, but if this was allowed, he should have the block perpetually being brought to him. (Laughter.) If people wanted to talk, let them do it on Clapham Common or at Wormwood Scrubs. He trusted Sir CHARLES WARREN would set his foot down firmly in the matter, and protect the peace and wellbeing of the neighbourhood. ("Hear!") The discussion was then continued with much animation by several Statues from the Embankment, who spoke to the same effect, some merriment being caused by the arrival of GEORGE THE THIRD from Cockspur Street, who rode round to give his general support to the meeting, the four Lions eventually rising and expressing their approval of the proceedings by a sympathetic roar. The approach of dawn having been announced by the whistle of an early train entering the neighbouring station, the assemblage gradually withdrew, and the local Statues re-seeking their respective places, the Square once more assumed its wonted aspect. HAD it proved true that, as the P.M. G. informed the public, Sir CHARLES DILKE on coming into a legacy would have had to change his name to SNOOKE, then those persons who did not wish to speak to the ex-Member for Chelsea when encountering him in the street would have had the pleasure of "Cutting a Snooke" without any rude action. THERE was scarcely room enough for the vast assemblage of Brethren who met to assist at the installation of AUGUSTUS DRURIOLANUS. Whereupon the New Worshipful Master might have exclaimed, with a sigh, “O for a Lodge in some vast wilderness!" By the way, at the ceremony there was an Anglican Bishop present. Will this Episcopal Mason, in his apron, lay the foundations of the Church House ? THE AMERICAN FISHERIES' DISPUTE.-What the Canadians say to the Americans," Pas sea Bait." Directly the bait is not used to catch votes, an amicable settlement will be arrived at-and the sooner the baiter. I Poor Crystal Palace. "BEG PARDON, KIND GEN'L'M, COULDN'T YOU SPARE A TRIFLE FOR ME, THIS JUBILEE YEAR? I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS!" PLEASE to remember the Crystal Palace! Only once in fifty years! Everyone now is a-touting for everything, Church Houses, Institutes, Has no one a good word for me and my gardens, my fun and my ALBERT the Good and the year 'Fifty-One, the great Cosmopolitan Would not Her MAJESTY-bless her!-object, for the sake of her Am I to become as Extinct as my Animals? Pass, like my Mam-Oh! moth and Ichthyosaurus? by the back hair of MANNS, do be merciful! Oh! by the memory of TITIENS, take pity! Go, like the ghosts in my Courts and my Temples, vanish like All country cousins should plead "in my favour, the guests of your RAMESES, hook it like HORUS ? great but grim-visaged old City |
